2010

I've been trying to write about 2010. But I end up deleting my attempts.

But this scene from Parenthood(1989) starring Steve Martin, Keanu Reeves and others.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.


Many unexpected stuff has happened to me this very year but I can say that I've never seen such personal growth in myself. I've always seen myself as the childlike person who just never really had the sense of wisdom. But I've gotten (and still am getting there) past many hurdles this year. What 2011 has in store for me is unknown and I guess that's what leaves me nervous and anxious. I stepped into 2010 not expecting the turn of events that happened to me. Pain is inevitable in life but what I experienced this year I would never want to go through again. Nevertheless, I'm one crazy bitch and I know I have the strength of a bull to push through anything. So Pat Benatar couldn't have put it in better words "Hit me with your best shot!"

Happy New Years Everyone! I wish everyone nothing but the best for 2011! ;)

SLEEP

I went to bed at 11:45ish..woke up at 7. Used the washroom. Fell asleep around 8 am. Woke up at 12 pm. I NEEDED TO SLEEP IN for the safety of the public. haha. I started cleaning around 1 pm and I'm still at it. I've managed to clean up the work area and the book shelf. Now the drawers and the closet and then FINALLY Jojo's tank. :)
My mom and I are going to Home Outfitters to check out some bedsheets. My friend and I saw this really nice set, I really LIKED it. But yeah got to look around though. I also wanted to buy some frames to put up some photos. I got the new calender. I didn't get the big version like I usually get. I got a smaller version. If you've seen my room there's this board with a cork board and a white board that you can write on. Well on the white board people have written on the board. I intend on cleaning that off. People who I don't even talk to anymore have written on the board so it's about time to clean it off.
Now as for last night..lol what's done is done there's no point fretting over the past. I guess it still bothers me but I can't let it consume most of my energy. I guess my current state and the fact I was so tired had on it influence too.
We've got family coming over for the 1st so we've been trying to get everything organized. We bought some new stuff for the house on boxing day so we've installed most of it except the stove. My room still needs to be cleaned. Jojo's tank will have to wait until tommorow.

mood

I am in a horrible, bitchy and angry mood. I'm ready to rip someones head off. I finished off all my shopping from stuff for the home to christmas presents. I DONT WANT TO GO ANYWHERE TOMMOROW. My room looks disgusting and I WANT TO REDO MY ROOM!
oh and its lovely to hear that someone you cared about made you look like a fucking idiot in the past. I am in a very foul mood. Im beginning to question who the fuck am I suppose to trust nowadays? I trusted you with SO MANY..CORRECTION ALL OF MY FUCKIN GOD DAMN SECRETS, wanted NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU, helped you so you can be nothing but succesful...I LITERALLY FUCKING PUT MY ALL IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! AND THE LEAST I COULD HAVE GOTTEN BACK WAS TO TREATED WITH SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT. AND for ANYONE who lacks the understanding of how emotionally, mentally and physically commited I was to this relationship needs to realize how fuckin hard it is. I'm tired of it, I'm not expecting sympathy or pity. But you know what I realize in the end everyone is frikken selfish, including myself. GAHHHH! Im so angry and speaking irrationally right now. BUT that doesn't mean I shouldn't be taken seriously I'm just fucking blowing up.
I snapped at my brother last night and I wasn't in the mood to take shit from my friend today so when she texted me and I snapped back. She was like oh no your on your period aren't you? oh god its funny that she knows me that much :|IM SO FRIKKEN ANGRY!!

Lovely

The inevitable days have come. To clear out my room and ORGANIZE the shit out of it. I've seen my friends room. I am envious of their ability to keep it so fucking tidy and they look good! Like my best friend mentioned to me.. My room is so cluttered. I know I can't remove the main cabinets, but what is within them is whats the problem. So I was at my friends house over the weekend for her bday party. We just go to her place and she has photos up of her birthday and just some nice things(I really like how she has her room). And so here I am struggling to change while I'm drunk and looking at her photos. I see him. LOL so at this point I'm confused and going WTF?! (mind you my friend was in the washroom...puking) And I look at the photo carefully. And then I remembered it was a group shot of all of us from her bday last year and he was there with me. AHH yeah wow...hmm. I smiled to myself. It's come to the point where I can look back on our good memories and smile.
So my plans for today: go out and get my christmas gifts, calendar, an organizing bin to put all my notes in and put in my closet and cleaning supplies (mainly lysol wipes because they are a god sent invention).
Of course mother natures decides to visit which is annoying but I'm grateful it's beginning to regulate. I wanted to go to temple for Jan 1st but I don't know. The other day I looked into my drawer and I found birth control pills. My doctor was pushing me on them because one she knew I was sexually active and TWO because of my irregular period. NOW I DON'T NEED IT FOR EITHER REASONS! What am I suppose to do with it? I can't throw it out it's most likely bad for the environment.
Oh! I forgot to mention my akward temple tamil movie scene. So if mother nature premits I go to a temple in richmondhill every friday. Usually with my mom and grandmother. Sometimes my grandfather and/or brother will come to. Theres this guy there and saw him looking at me a couple of times but didn't think anything of it. Because we are at TEMPLE FOR GODS SAKE and I realize I need to get over myself. I guess he comes every friday too. Last week I went with my family and the guy was there. So I leave the temple area into the ticket booth area. Him and a group of men or guys (didn't look properly) were standing there laughing and talking but once I kinda walked out of the temple area and past them. They all just went silent and there was this akward tension. Even though I'm akwardly looking down and away I can see them looking. So I go downstairs to get prasatham (food given by the temple after a pooja) and I guess this guy knows the people at the temple well so he comes down from some next hidden stairs, through the back and is standing there at the COUNTER beside the girl when I go to get my food :| AKWARD AKWARD AKWARD AKWARD!!!
Anyways they have the photo above is at the temple. It's pretty cool!I didn't know Ganesha had an axe which symbolized "to cut off all bonds of attachment" and the mouse symbolized "Desire: unless under control canc cause havoc. Your ride the desire and keep it under control and don't allow it to take your for a ride."
Yesterday afternoon my mom and I went to watch Manmadhan Ambhu. I wasn't a fan of the song Neela Vanaam but I was sold once I saw the scene. The audience was in this awe-struck silence and I even heard some sniffling! AMAZINGLY DONE. Overall the movie was okay but I particularly loved LOVED LOVED that scene. Oh and Surya made a special preview obviously because of Kamal Hassan BUT LORDDDDDDD he's SOOOO GOOD LOOKING. Why are all the good looking men married? Eric Dane, Justin Chambers, Surya!, Patrick Dempsey....WHY?! But hmm they could have made the part with surya and the song (because I love that song) better! Madhavan was cute and did a good job being the jealous bf. Lol his drunk scenes were funny. But the ending was so RANDOM and it just didn't logically make sense but whatever.

im fallin for them

yes they are cheesey. And yes I found owen annoying in the beginning...but he's slowly winning me over. This lil speech was just so cute. LOL and meredith's line at the end was funny.

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything

Bits & pieces

Steeping some organic rooibos tea from David's Tea.

Soup & Crackers

CAN'T SLEEP!

I hate just lying in bed...so I'm up surfing. I forgot to mention I watched most of the shrek movies today. The Shrek babies are FRIKKEN cute. There was this one scene where the baby farted and the dragon was lying there sleeping snoring out fire. So when his fart and baby dragon's fire breath met ..it ignited and lit the fire place on fire! lol! LOVE IT

So I've found a romantic-comedy movie to watch, even more strange...it's a tamil movie (I don't watch tamil movies often)! But frik Mathavan looks so yum! Kamal Haasan sang one of the songs in the movie and it's meh. It seems auto-tuned, well atleast the beginning. hmmm and the storyline... I like it's uhmm wow =\. Basically the guy doesn't trust his love interest so she leaves him. Years later he's still crazy bout this chick and wants to continue a life with her. SO OF COURSE THE LOGICAL (SARCASM!) thing to do is to hire a private investigator to spy on the girl to see if she TRULY LOVES HIM. I didn't read the rest of the synopsis because I wasn't sure if there was a spoiler or not. But that's the gist of it. Below is the trailer. I loved the song they are playing..but if you listen to the whole thing it gets repititive. Oyyale is the song you dance around to but sounds kinda like andangkaka from Anniyan. Either way BOTH songs are awesome and I shake my tooshie to that anyday! The song Manmadhan Ambu has the awesome beat. The other songs are meh.

Christmas

For my family christmas is like any other saturday. I come downstairs to my dad cleaning the chimney/fireplace and my mom had just finished making breakfast. So no family togerthe-ness, no dinner around the table, no family over because to us it's another saturday. I guess I am embarrassed to admit I was a bit resentful because I kind of want the whole family over and having dinner. Also, I can admit I was feeling a bit lonely when I woke up to this day. I realized why people find this day hard and even try to commit suicide...it can be hard for people when your ALL alone.

I woke up and read over my textbook. Went downstairs had some cereal and tea. I decided to go to a Conservation Park in our area to go for a hike and take some photographs because it's been a while.So I put on the extra layers and made myself some herbal tea from david's tea(I mixed in some of my rooibos tea and I added some rosemary in as well it was REALLY GOOD!) and I was off. When I got there I literally had the WHOLE park to myself...it felt so good. I walked around and I could sing out loud without looking crazy. It felt great, this feels great. I could say today I finally felt at peace. But the ending quote in Grey's anatomy couldn't have put it better:

"Peace isn’t a permanent state. It exists in moments, fleeting. Gone before we even knew it was there. We can experience it at any time.. In a stranger’s act of kindness. A task that requires complete focus. Or simply the comfort of an old routine. Every day we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when their happening so that we can embrace them. Live in them. And finely let them go."

Anyways, after some time one or two families had come into the park as well. The people there are so nice like I walked by this father and son and we said hello to each other as if we were neighbours. This isn't the first time either, its always at that park! Below are some photos from my day.

My mom made jambalaya!

Followed by Pomgranate! So frikken YUMMY!

waiting for my tea to steeeeeeeepp!

I pull in to park at the park, and I see crows just hanging out:P

Here there was no sign of christmas. No christmas tunes. No christmas lights. It was quite peaceful place unaware of what day it was today. And I LOVED it.

Sign Reads: "Caution THIN ICE Danger" Looks like the ice wasn't thin afterall. But I didn't have the guts to walk on the ice even though I really wanted to.

Berries? hmm..they looked kinda yummy. tehehe

I've came here before and these birds are very friendly with people. The eat seeds right from your hands. So when I was taking photos I had my hand out and well a bird flew right by my ear that I could hear the bird's wings flutter. I gasped, jumped and shuddered...lol in that order. Unfortunately I didn't have any bird seeds to feed them, I didn't expect them to be there today especially with the cold. Oh well ...next time!

TALL TREES TELL TALL TALES.

Chubby squirre! I've named him Baboosh. I just wanted to squish him because he looked like a cuddly stuffed animal. bahahaha

Today I didn't only go on the usual path I take when I go to this park. I literally walked around the whole park. So this is on the other side. On the other side i saw ppl skating, I wanted to walk on the ice but once again I was scared. If the ice wasn't as thick as the many foot print proved, I was alone and uhm yeah didn't want to risk it.

Anyways I reviewed my drug cards the other day and now I'm gonna go summarize them. That way I'd have a condensed and basic review of the drugs.

30 random facts about me

1. I never sneeze once. If I sneeze it's other twice or thrice.
2. I love tea.
3. I once believed that my only purpose in life was to have children. I believe otherwise now.
4. If I could create my own religion, the organs of the human body would be the Gods. Imagine it though...
5. I hate sharing desserts.
6. When I see a small and tiny adult I imagine throwing them in the air like a baton.
7. Sometimes when I drive I wish I had the cars from GTA2 with the guns in the headlights...you know WHY!!
8. Despite the fact the umbilical cord with my mother and I had been cut 21 years ago, it still exists! Sometimes I like it, sometimes it drives me insane and sometimes I take it for granted.
9. I threw out all the clothes my ex gave me because of an argument. But I kept one and don't intend on throwing it out. Ever.
10. I love high park.
11. I like the smell of my own farts.
12. I've never dyed my hair, pierced any other body parts aside from the ear piercing I got as a child and never gotten a tattoo. A tatto I wanted to get A^2= (enter first intials of children here)
13. my blood type is A+
14. sometimes when life get's hectic and out of control. I read...the..horoscopes.
15. As much as my father and I have a distant relationship, we are so much alike it's creepy.
16. I want to adopt at least one child. As much as I want to be a mother, I know I'm so fucked up, psychotic, irrational, deranged and quick-tempered that I'm afraid I might scar and mentally corrupt my future child. And we have plenty of those kind of children already running around in this world. =\
17. I talk to my turtle sometimes.
18. Besides wanting to be a nurse I'd want to either own a flower shop, photography and/or write.
19. I lay a pillow vertically on my left so I can sleep on it and hug it as if I'm sleeping on someone at night. (kiss my ass if you think i'm a pathetic creep :P). I've actually been doing this for a long time now..not something recent.
20. I don't mind eatings bugs. In fact I've eaten deep fried bugs. I'd be pro at eatings bugs on fear factor ;).
20. I have a chicken pox scar on my left lower armand a scar on my right lower arm from a stupid accident as a child. I nearly drowned in the Indian ocean. I stuck a peanut up nose and my mom took me to hospital. I swallowed a penny and my mother had to check my feces to make sure it didn't get lodged somewhere in my GI tract. I've pooped in my mother's hand as a baby.
21. My birth mark is on my left upper thigh/butt. My brother and my grandfather have their birthmarks in the same vacinity.
22. I miss the fact that I'm not my brother's hero any more. Having a little brother is probably like bringing up a child but then again I can't be the judge of that.
23. I don't forget the shit people have done to me in the past.
24. I shave my legs by lifting one of them up and putting my foot on the washroom sink counter and shaving from there while standing on one leg. I think it's weird but I also find it uncomfortable doing it other ways.
25. I can't manage money.
26. One thing I love about the new year ... shopping for a new calendar! :)
27. I hate crowded places.
28. I've seen shooting stars in my life twice in my life; once with my ex and once with my mom. I also saw fireflies. Both experiences make you feel like you were in a different world.
29. I like watching them draw blood from me at the doctors.
30. My bestfriend and I had blue overalls that weren't pants but shorts as kids (somewhere between gr 6-gr 8)..coolest outfit ever especially with my mickey and minni shirt that I got from Biway ;) Ooo I miss biway, everyone shopped there but acted like they didn't because it was uncool.

thought

Hope... it can get you through all of the world's evil. And yet hope can manage be an evil that blinds you from reality.

Bailey's surgical field

lol my friend was right this is SO something i'd say hahahaha

Grey's anatomy 6x12 "Christina & Owen"

mmm I don't care how cheesey this is. I loved this scene!
Yes this is what i've been doing the entire day..watching grey's anatomy.

It's the most wonderful time of the year..

..to get sick. So this seems to be a strange cold. It's not the flu. When I wake up I have a sore throat. However as the day progresses it's not as prominent. There is occasional phegm in my throat and nose. Left tonsil is slightly swollen (that always happens when I get a cold). No fever, sneezing or coughing. =\ There is however body fatigue.
I've been trying to rest the whole day but I've been strung out with something to do. I went to walmart and grabbed some soup and orange to camp out for the day in my room. Once I come home my grandfather tells me his doc. appointment is at 12 and my brother was still in the shower (he said he'd take him). I put the soup on the stove and just as I was about to leave with my grandfather to drop him off my brother comes out. I tell him his appointment was at 12, he wasn't suppose to leave at 12 and to check the soup on the stove. I drop him off and he asks me can you pick me up. I told him how im sick and need rest. I'm sorry I know it's rude and a bitch move and trust me I felt guilty for saying no. but you don't realize that he wants to go out everyday and I'm left with the responsiblity. Now i get it on those days when my brother isn't home that I can take it on. But my brother is home SO WHY CANT HE DO IT!My brother ends up going out. UGH! so my grandfather is going to have to bus it home. I feel bad but whatever bringing him home is not a simple task..no he would want me to stop at 3 tamil stores before going home. Which he spends a great deal of time in mind you.
SO I come home and the phone wouldn't STOP RINGING!! LIKE FOR GODS SAKE!! I finally answer the phone. It's my mom's best friend's mother. SHe tells me why shes calling and then she asks me why I'm not at school? I HATE when people (ESPECIALLY ONES I DONT KNOW) call and ask me that. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YOU SO WHAT IS IT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!!
I then had to call the children's hospital to change my schedhule due to the new semester schedule. So I call, mind you I don't want to change my shift from the clinic I am at right now because my supervisor is cool and isn't anal about always being there for every shift. My semester schedhule is tuesday & wednesday 8:30am-6:30 pm (CLINICAL PLACEMENTS), thursdays: 8:30-11:20 am/3:30-5:30pm. SO the only option for me to stay at the clinic was tuesdays 1-4, wednesdays 1-4 or fridays 9am-12pm. SO bsaically what I'm am bitching about here is that I'm most likely going to take the friday 9-12 shift. There is monday available 1-4 pm BUT it's a different clinic. I went to my friend with this dilemma and she had good reasoning on opting for friday. Monday is the starting of the week your going to need that day to study for tests. So I'll go friday mornings, especially since I'm used to waking up early and I'll have the rest of friday for myself.
My next rant... MY SICK SCARF. I used to have this awesome, white, thick, knitted scarf. I wear it at home and even to school when im sick. It keeps my neck warm when I have a bad cold. Unfortunately the sick scarf was thrown out with the stuff from my ex a few months ago. So i've substituted it with this thinner scarf...JUST AINT THE SAME MAN!! OH and my ayruvedic teas are done! It's what I drink when I'm stressed or sick. I want to just walk into david's tea and spend $100 on tea. That'd be awesome :) However the purchasing of a new sick scarf and tea will have to wait after all this holiday stuff is over with. UGH
on a better note, two of my profs. wrote me back agreeing to write me a reference letter for my interview. I also got someone else to write me a reference letter. I intend on giving her and my boss's contact number if they want to call. I just need to give the ppl who are writing my reference letter some sort of criteria. anyways im off to bed.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I GOT THE INTERVIEW!! I GOT THE INTERVIEW!!!
I GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT THE INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUASLHGSDJLGHDJBV,DBV,DSB';EUTR;JFBDS,MCV,M!!

HOLY MOLY!!

I've got to prepare though. I need to get my references together. I plan on taking in my nursing portfolio even though they never suggested it, it would be good to show it! I'll put in my papers I did this year because I got perfect on one and 92% on the other. I'll also put in the health assessment check list I made for our final lab exam to show leadership and accoutnability. I'm going to tab all my important documents in my portfolio to show to them at the interview. I'm also going to practice interviewing questions so that I know how to answer and I'm not caught SO much off guard. hehehehe I'm so excited.
The only downfall to this is I have to pay out of my pocket. Nevertheless I plan on doing the volunteer abroad eventually so either way I was going end up paying. BUT with this, it's with my College so it would look great! I hopeee the interview goes well. I'm so estatic and nervous at the same time. My interview is for January fourth!
God works in mysterious ways just when I felt like doors were closing on me, somehow one opens. Literally ever since firday, i've been in this rut. But THIS happened! I really hope I can get this position because only TWO NURSING students are chosen..but being chosen for the interview makes me feel so special!

Nila Kaikirathu

angelic voice

to be honest...

last night was weird.
I wish there was someone i can talk to, to just say what I want to hear. =\ But what I want to hear is a reality anyone who knows my situation would never want for me to go to. If I make any sense.
Most of this break I'll be working due to xmas. Than the 26th it's my friend's bday so it's the same ordeal as last night. Except I get to see my best friend during the day...HOPEFULLY if she doesnt have any other palns :) God I was talking to her the other day and it's true you sometimes i wish i had that literal physical company, that shoulder to cry on and someone to hug you. But to be honest there has been an immense development in our friendship and in a good way :)
Lol so it feels so akward not having any obligations with school any more... There is a few things I got to do though.
(1) get my resp stuff done...so I got to go to school for that..especially before work! UGH! the lines are annoyingly huge!
(2) arrange my bookshelf (my binders are taking up too much room)
(3) review my materials

As for my break I really don't have any crazy plans. I'd most likely have to work until new years day after day. So from tommorow to the 24th I'll be working. 25th and 26th I have off. I'm not sure how the 27th onwrads is going to be but yeah. A few ideas I know of is me and my friends might go clubbing (not sure on that yet), chicken wings, skating with the best friend *fingers crossed*, go to a movie with friends and alone (yeah there is NOTHING wrong with that!) and I wanted check out high park but it's kind of cold so not sure on that yet.
I still havent gotten my xmas presents for my friends but I guess I'll do it after my paycheque on the 28th. I also will be getting something for jojo! I will post up pictures, had this idea for a while now! I think this present would be good for him!

i had yet another dream last night...how do i accomplish that when I was drunk..usually Im passed out and so tired and deep in sleep that I never have remembered my dream.

I LOVE YOU!!! HEHE

My yesterday

So last night's entry was brief but i'm going to tell you how my day was ....
I woke up from a dream in which i was crying and begging my ex.
As I drove to school Bruno mars' grenade came on and i began crying because I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Once I got to school I reviewed my notes. I can tell you that I know my stuff. But for the context of writing an exam. When it came to performing my tasks infront my instructor I froze and was so anxious. It was nerve racking! At one point I didn't know what possible test I can do on my patient. I've done three important ones I could think of; heart (she had a heart defect as a child), lungs (due to her present illness) and Ears, Nose and throat (because she had frequent ear infections). But nope ...one of them wasn't right and I couldn't think of anything. I was so frustrated!

For the past few days I've been anticipating to hear from school about the volunteer position to help out in the Dominican Republic. For this only two nursing students are chosen and I honestly thought I'd atleast make it to the interviews. Nope...no call..no interview. Not only was it yet another blow to self-confidence, I just was so discouraged on why I bother even trying? And then I thought to myself ok maybe I'm not meant to do that.The Dominican republic was just an oppurtunity that came along the way. The one I really wanted to do once I finish college is go to Nepal, so maybe that's what is written on my forehead? I don't know....

Later that night was the party. And to summarize it, my ex was there. Personally it was difficult for me but I had a good time. By the end of the night i was fuckin' tired, I had 5 hrs of sleep, on top of that with school, all the stupid errands i had to run. I just never had a chance to rest.
Today I woke up to yet another similar dream about the same thing for the past god know how many weeks. I came on the internet to vent. And I see a msg from my friend,. Now I must warn you him and I have been friend's since grade ...ugh 7? so it's gotten to the point that he sees me as just another dude ..hence the topic of conversation:
wow u ever fart with your legs crossed while laying on the bed?
it feels like an air bubble comes outta your ass cheeks and it tickles
just sayinnnn
like really? I needed the laugh though... because when I woke up I wondered how I was gonna make it through the day AND especially tonight. =| p.s I have cramps and I'm ready to rip out my cervix and uterus! Don't judge me... it fucking kills!

nolan

yeah me too..

gahh i came home called my friend. Im not the type to get tough love and telling em to suck it up, so I called her and Im like I really need some to just lean on and i vented.. on and on and ON while bawling my eyes out =\
my dad left a bag full of lindor chocolate with 5 flavours ..yes I stuffed my face...like a pig.
what fuckin DAY!

Sleep!

When are these dreams going to stop?
Well atleast I'm getting sleep now, compared to before.
My lab exam is today. I don't know how well or bad I'm going to do, but I got to leave early for school
I can hear someone scraping the ice off their car.
GAHGAHGSLAW!

ouch

thought I was okay...that there was progression
nope... got that punched in the stomach feeling again.
it feels like a lifetime ago.
I have to keep reminding myself why things the way they are.
Remind myself things may be better for the both of us the way they are now.
Atleast from what I think/saw... it's good to see that he is happy.

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

still haven't got the call..this is nerve-racking

life sound tracks

Don't know where life is taking me but I would love to dance to this song with someone one day. For those who know me quite well , they know I'm not the elegant type of girl especially with the dirty jokes and the funk...lol I'll stop there. But this song is an exception. For this song: I would love the glistening chandelier, the castle-like decore, the tight curls,beautiful gown, simple yet stunning jewlery & make-up, and of course the intricate yet graceful dancing. This is my princess song. It's really peculiar to me because I would never even fathom such a moment. Its what you'd probably see in Beauty and the Beast. bahaha but there's something so beautiful about this song that it needs that right setting.
When I used to play the violin in elementary we played this song. I wish I had continued playing the violin. Hmm maybe I can pick it up again one day.

I had my cozy moment the other day. I was studying for my exam, sipping on my Davids Tea, wearing my warm robe, looking out the window at the snow frantically dancing to the rhythm of this song. It wasn't intentional, it was kind of akward because you see those kind of moments on tv or described in a book. But I realized then and there...life is good.
Oh and they make the final decision today. *sigh* I hope I get it. I will hear from them tomorrow or the day after. *fingers crossed*

can't sleep

I've got an exam today at 11 am.

I've abused my body like a drug addict this summer, messing around with my circadian rhythm.
Well I can't sleep. It's one of those rare nights(well recently) all these thoughts are pacing around simultaneously in my head. SO there's the news I am anticipating to hear this week, there's the exam tomorow and friday, there's the party on friday, there's the things I got to do for friday and for some reason he's in my thoughts and few other things. And it's just everytime I take deep breaths to calm my thoughts; they slowly pop up one by one back into my mind. I've got a great sense of anxiety resting upon me.
The news I am anticipating to hear is something I got to get. Nevertheless, it's not in my hands.

As certain thoughts come up... her "tell it as it is" stern voice goes through my head saying "NO matter what you do and say people are going to talk shit and gossip. That's the nature of it all. They are going to gossip. They are going to talk shit. And he's going to talk shit. You have no control over that." And I know I have this idea that no matter what he has a sense of dignified respect for me and would not speak ill of me. I also know that he just doesn't trust people like that but I can't help but be puzzled. But I fail to recognize that the tables have turned and life goes on.

I've have this tendency (and it's a really bad flaw I need to fix) where I think too much into things and care so much about what people think. I never stop to think; who gives a rats flying ass? or doesn't matter your better. I need to keep telling myself that for friday.
Lately, I've been thinking to myself okay I know what his flaws were in his relationship but what were mine? We point fingers at the other person in the blame game once a relationship was over but never do we stop and refelct where we went wrong. Hopefully I get to that this winter break because everytime I attempted in recent times I got side tracked with the stress of school. It's important to allocate your mistakes and be aware of where the fuck you screwed up. Because in the end it's accepting your mistakes that will help you grow.

Friday/Saturday will be bittersweet days as much as I am looking forward to going out, I kind of don't want to. Aside from the obvious reasons why I don't want to I just really don't want to socialize. I want to stay home. Something(gut feelings) is telling me that friday and/or is not going to go so great but then again I can just be over-analyzing or just wary the situation as usual. I hate that feeling I get when I'm at a social gathering, surrounded by many happy people but you're just lost in your own world gazing off and feeling so alone. I know it's melodramatic but you think it only happens on TV when you can be in that position.

So,I'll also get the news somewhere between the 16th and 17th. Oh gosh I hope I get this. I'm praying that I get this.

Cheesey as chedder cheese life lesson.

Bliss...
it's driven from the simplest things in life that go unnoticed.

Smile.
Strive.
Make a difference.
When you lay to rest, you know you`ve tried.
Go on
Life`s a one time oppurtunity...from what we know of.
So make the most of it.
Don`t live in fear and get out there.
Enjoy it with the one`s that treasure your very existence.

LOL

http://barabare.blogspot.com/2010/08/funny-ancient-facebook-posts.html

Muthu Muthu

bahahahaa this song always gets to me because it is so naughty...
she can dance!!..For ME it's not about the sexualized nature of this video. It's the fact she can actually move like that and the combination with prabhu deva DAMN!! Now if only I can shake my booty like that =| I think I'd seriously hurt myself. LMAO!

Far East Movement - Rocketeer ft. Ryan Tedder

Cute song :)

star

You can never escape your mind, but it would be really nice just for an escape. It's not just the sense of escape but the experience and it would be an accomplishment.
I've been praying and praying and I've been putting in a shit load of effort so I REALLY hope I can get this. But there's alot of competition. *sigh* c'est la vie.

I feel a sense of entitlment that since I've gone through shit and worked my ass off that I deserve this. If this was me two years ago I would have let the wrath of this break up take the best of me. Instead, I stayed on top of my game. Yes I am being pompous and possibly cocky but I'm proud that I've managed coming this far. Looking back I see that okay if I can get through this than I can go on. I am aware that I can't have these expectations and sometimes things are just not meant to be a certain way. If I can attain this goal, I'd be nothing but grateful and estatic. This last few weeks of school is the WORST because I honestly cannot find the strength to go on any further(drama queen?). I'm literally burnt out and just want it over with. But then I look at my grades and how I want to maintain what I've worked hard for and that motivates me. Nevertheless, I feel like that IS NOT good enough.
Another thing I got to learn, to stop thinking so negatively. If there is something bugging me, get clarification instead of dwelling on it. Holding things back, that ain't me. Issues need to be dealt, first hand because a situation is not what you always think it is. I need to accept these changes in my life and get on because I've made progress so far why go backwards?
Yesterday I I told my friend I've accepted the possiblity that I may get an arrange marriage.OBVIOUSLY NOT NOW. We went on to joke that maybe we should get some kind of two in one deal for the both of us (she's single as well and does not see prospects when it comes to relationships). Despite my ideas of in vitro fertilization(using sperm donations) or adoption as a single parent...my parents will literally have my ass on a platter marinated in tandoori sauce. I do know how much their culture and their reputation means to them. And I know the won't be satisfied with an unwed daughter (I am the only daugther they have) or an unwed daughter with a child. And I get it why the fuck is she thinking about marraige? It's just answers to satisfy my questions about the future. Things like.. Now that he's gone, what's next? Focus on nursing, I reply to myself. Okay so what about after nursing? ughh yeah..arrange marriage I guess? My best friend instilled some hope saying that maybe you'll meet a surgeon or doctor like Turk and Carla on Scrubs. Bahahah God knows. I am aware that right now nursing is my focus and I know to make myself stand out I've got to make my experience on my resume unique so I stand out. Hence my dire need to be able to get this thing.
I've done my part now it's in fates hand.
C'est la vie.

Jojo's photoshoot ;)

"Bahaha Gotcha!" He found a lil piece of his food hidden between the rocks.

If you look carefully you can see he's smiling in this photo! aww what cutie pa-tootie. I love his nails!

I love this shot of him...I'm beginning to wonder why I didn't name him wolverine. Despite that I love the intricate designs that are on his plastron (bottom shell)...it's just an example of nature's wondrous designs like the peacock.

So I decided to take some shots of him after I studied last night. He's such a poser… but you gotta love him regardless of his tendency to excrete his urine and feces on my carpet.

Today is reviewing and doing questions for the exam. The hysteria of exams is beginning to settle in and I am ...OFFICIALLY on stress/freak out mode.

Let's have a toast

Honestly it's a piss off to learn that someone you were close with decides to go ahead and cut you outta there life because her brother and gf broke up. I'm sorry did I do something wrong with you? I assumed our friendship would be only slightly affected by this. I mean, if I had known then I wouldn't have called, text messaged, left a msg on facebook or commented on a photo of her and I on facebook (which she eventually took down). I'm pretty sure she walks by be at utsc completly avoiding to bump into me at my cubicle. But why she's doing that is what I don't understand, what did I do wrong to her? Any decisions her brother is making after the break up (good or bad) is his responsbility. It's just I feel like I've been played for a fool she was SO nice to me and we were very close and I'm pretty sure MANY people that are OR once close to me can agree that we were close. She treated me like the sister I never had. And to have her doing this I feel pathetic and played for a fool. My thinking is were you only nice to me because I was your brothers gf? From the looks of it, yes and I can't help but feel betrayed.
My friend brought up a good point: if you two(me and my ex) for whatever reasons work things out few years down the road , what is she going to do? Give you attitude? Be nice to you again?
I told my friend how can I even go back to even TRYING to work things out..because the fact something like this happened is discouraging atleast for me.
Will I confront her about this? No unless I'm put in the siutation to... otherwise no. He stated perfectly clear not to talk to his family but I assumed that the breakup would not impede on the friendship I had with her. Well can't do much, I told my counsellor a few weeks back that her and I were losing communication. He explained that it's normal for other ppl to disappear after a break up, I found it perplexing and when this happened I felt betrayed. But it's his family, I thought her and my friendship went beyond my ex-bf's relation to me, I assumed wrong.
One things for sure I REALLY NEED TO STOP holding myself responsible for his well-being, worrying if he's okay, and wondering how his family is. Just the other night I had a dream about his niece, mom and sister. It's fucked up ...and I feel pathetic. Why the fuck do I give a shit when he's the one who hurt me? If people(my friends, his friends, my family or his family) fail to realize that then I really can't give them the time of day because I'm sure even HE wouldn't tolerate the shit he said to me, happening to someone like his sister. Honestly I think the issue with his sister was the last nail in the coffin. This just pushed me into saying MOVE THE FUCK ON AMI stop worrying about him he's been on his fuckin two feet for over two decades before even meeting you he can make choices and survive without you. good riddance and now let's have a toast.

I

I need to learn how to stop using the word "I' alot when writing.

fuck

23 pages... I didn't double space...
I DON'T HAVE 23 PAGES OF PRINTING PAPER!!!
hopefully my brother does!

ok this is hard

and it's quite sad....there are times where I rather have been physically abused than having to hear those painful words. Yes I rather have been slapped or whatever than to hear such painful accusations. Those words you will replay in your head over and over again like a recording.

So in class we had an assignment to hand in but we had to present it to each other in pairs before giving it to the prof. She focused on emotional/verbal abuse and she had this photo. Yup it hit a nerve.

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

I had to post this, I just love this song and well the video is a heart breaker. It's sad how much shit people put themselves through for love when in the end it's not even returned.

well i'll be a son of gun...

...I did awesome on my lab test. Now it's just a matter of the final written exam and lab exam. If I can manage things the way they are *finger crossed* I will have attained something I never have in my entire life. =|
Yes.. yes..it's like school has become my boyfriend. Well I've been neglecting this boyfriend for the past weekend. Haha I haven't done any school work what so ever! But this week I'll most likely be nerdin' it. Next week is my final written exam for Health assess. and my final test for psych. and the week after that I have exams! Thankfully I just have a final exam for ppg3 and my final lab exam (like I mentioned above). Yeah NOT looking forward to the final lab exam AT ALL. It will be a comprehensive lab exam with the prof. where I have to do health assessment techniques for each system so from eyes ->va jay jay-> range of motion of the toe! =S That night will be my friend's birthday party.
Gosh a part of me does not want this school year to be over. And I know for a fact before I start school again in January I will endure this anxiety attack because I am starting clinicals. I made it a plan to practice taking vitals on my grandparents. bahahaha seeing that I know I will be put in an elderly care facility for the first semester, I might as well get used to getting vitals on the elderly. I also remember when I was studying in the library there were these students who were in a bit further in the program for nursing. So I asked what's their best advice for going into clinicals and they said "no your drugs and your health assessment thoroughly". So I think IF (and I really hope I make the time) I get the chance I will review that stuff over the break. That I think will calm my nerves(the sense of prepared-ness). I also have Nursing Theory 2 next semester. Jesus I heard the class average was 40%!! YEAH!! I KNOW :| That course was a bitch last semester.

p.s Janet jackson is just mmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmm MMMMMMMMMM ;)

Realization #3

I saw the stalking star the other night...

As I lie in bed and look through our/his photos on my phone it feels as if a part of me thinks he's on a trip far far away and I'm just waiting for him to come back. I can't help wonder how someone kind-hearted like him can ever speak so disrespectful to me..

Yeah yeah I know I need to stop doing that...can't help it. ok back to bed. =]

skunk

So I was dropping my friend off at home after work. When she got out and it smelt like skunk. It smelt alot like weed though.. so being confused and curious I googled it..thank you yahoo answers. =\

"Well... this is somewhat of a subjective question. Not all people think good weed smells like skunk. However, this could very well be an evolutionary defense mechanism by the marijuana plant. The reason why marijuana plants with high THC content happen to have a very pungent odor is not well understood. However, through history, plants with a pungent offensive odor were probably less likely to be eaten by herbivores (and in current society smoked by potheads). This meant that marijuana plants with stronger odors had a better chance of survival.
Since cultivation for recreational purposes began, however, it is very unlikely that evolutionary pressures like that have been present. This is well demonstrated by the fact that a lot of "good weed" doesn't have the offensive smells that it used to. It can smell like pine trees, carrots or nothing at all! But, perhaps naturally cultivated weed could still retain that pungent, somewhat offensive odor. Hope this helps!"

Reference: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100919011820AAEPC0l

LOL DON'T JUDGE ME! Bahaha I was curious! =|

aftermath

Dear Liver,
Thank you for working overtime and processing the two tequilla shots, three jack daniel shots, one sex on the beach and the bottle of smirnoof cooler. May I also add the "good stuff" you also had to process as well. I'm sure I wasn't making things easier by wasting most of my body's energy by dancing on the dance floor.

-me

bahaha ok so last night was fun. I spoke to my friend and she was like Im so used to you being all humble. So it was different to see me on the dance floor all crazy. bahaha I remember at one point this white girl we met at the club was dancing with us for most of the night and I ended up hugging her and saying i love you(yes that should give u an idea of my intoxication level). sheeshh but overall niagara was nice we went to the casino, we went to rumours night club, there was a few sight seeing places there. I also got this amazing brownie which was even more amazing after having some the "good stuff". It just felt great dancing on the dance floor, not giving a rats ass who was watching me and my friends dance like drunken lunatics. Best song to dance to was lady gaga's song. Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm! It was nothing but a release to just get out there and have a fuckin good time...because honestly I haven't in a long time. Yes you distract yourself with readings books, watching shows and throwing yourself into work. But after all that it just felt great to cut loose.
Well I'm still a lil groggy, the headache is gone and I had some good sleep. My brother purposely kept talking to me loudly because he knew I had a hangover. lol i know hes a jerk..im like just you wait until your older. and he replies that why I want to go uni away from home *shiftty smile*. Well it's my friend's birthday party tonight. So gotta go to that but I'm just so frikken exhausted and it's up in rexdale. And then on top of that I have work tommorow morning. I also haev some school work to get started on.

seriously....

by the sounds of the wind pounding violently on my windows, I don't even want to step outside. Nevertheless, there is much to be accomplished before my brief departure tonight.
GAH! I'm going to freeze my ass off! Seriously I'm going to wear long underwear despite how ridiculous I look. The weather network said the weather is going to be ok. Oh well we are going to be mainly indoors. It will be fun. Unfortunately, I didn't finish my psych paper but it's not due until tuesday. The leadership paper lagged on and on especially with the stupid migraine. Frustrating part was staying within the page limit. In the end, I didn't follow the page limit and hopefully he doesn't deduct marks for that. The more the merrier right ;) bahahaha
Well I've waited long enough, most of my school stuff is out of the way. Tonight is going to be my first post break up getting smashed to escape from reality and just let go event. I guess like my friend said I've been holding back and I can't help but not to. A part of me still holds out hope but I realize I'm stopping myself from having a good time. So I'm going with my nursing friends so it should be fun..just not a big fan of the weather.

HISTORY LESSON

Keri Hilson's new song played on the radio as I drove to school still half asleep. I heard this song and I'm like "SERIOUSLY WTF?" because the chorus goes "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful". So I changed the station thinking it was another shallow and egocentric pop song. After watching the video, I'm addicted to the song and I found out what the video is really about. She was representing black women from the past and present who have left a significant mark in the media. So here's the list:
1. Josephine Baker --> First African American to star in a major motion picture
2. Dorothy Dandrige --> first African American to be nominated for a best-actress Academy Award
3. Andrews Sister
4. The Supremes --> Diana Ross is a legend herself which is who Keri portrays
5. Janet Jackson
6. TLC
7. Herself (Keri Hilson)
Reference: http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/hiphopmediatraining/317159/keri-hilson-pays-tribute-to-janet-tlc-supremes-in-pretty-girl-rock-video/

The song is not about I'm hott and don't hate me for it. I realized that it was an "anthem" for women to love themselves and do the "pretty girl rock".

alright im tempted i have to do it so please don't mind my sudden burst of confidence.
My name is Ami, I'm so very
Fly oh my it's a little bit scary
Boys wanna marry looking at my derrierre
You can stare but if you touch it I'ma bury

stagnate

I think it was pretty stupid of me to view my friend's picture in which he was in when they went to the club... Feels like being i have been punched in the stomach and can't breathe briefly afterwards. well atleast he's happy right?

CBC News - Toronto - Daughter charged in deadly Markham home invasion

CBC News - Toronto - Daughter charged in deadly Markham home invasion

Bittersweet POST

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIINN!!! I can finally wear my rainboots tehehehehe.. yeah I invested in a pair because I am one of those folks that are SO anal about getting their feet wet. I bring and extra pair of flats to change into a school. Luckily I have the luxury if putting my stuff in my locker.

Anyways, Happy this-would-have-been-our-1 yr and 10-month-anni.-but-we-are-broken-up-and-I-miss-you. BAH! I seem to be in a better mood..but of course that empty feeling is still there. I have this urge to go to the temple again, this time on my own =\. Maybe I will tommorow. I remember almost every anni. he would remember(and I wouldn't...I was such a douche), he would be keen on doing something special. *sigh* he was a good guy and if he learned how to deal with his flaws. I can genuinely say the next girl in his life is gonna be a happy one. Of course that would hurt like shit on my end but you know. Oh yeah I had a dream about him last night..he looked good. I guess it kind of put me at peace to hear that he's doing okay. I was worried about him and those of you who were close to me know that. There are times I have been tempted to call and talk to him. Even this morning, then I realized what the date was and I was like ugh maybe that's not a good idea. =\
So on better note I am treating myself to getting smashed. Me and the nursing girls are gonna go out soon seeing that we are just about to finish that midterms and assignments wave we've been working so hard on. LOL we're all craving that release... so it's at that right time after midterms/projects and before exams. So once we're done our lil party it's hitting back to the books.
On an EVEN better note...11:30 PM BABYYYYYYYYYYY!! BAHAHAH I woke up at 9 am. OMG I missed you SO MUCH sleep. This was something my body physically missed. LOL this may explain the good mood..lol reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly *british accent* I guess the reason is because this whole weekend I was working and then after work I went and did something. So my body was just craving the bed. Yesterday I went to utsc but it wasn't that productive. I mean I got the projects done that is due today. But as I began to study for HA I was dozing off. So I packed up...came home and went straight to bed.
Here's my plan of study for the rest of the week:
TodaY:
Study today before 12 for HA
1 pm -3:30 -group meeting
6:30- 9:00- study at school
Tuesday:
I don't have class in the morning so my next class is PPG3.
So all morning I will study for HA, I'll probably come to school to do that. After PPG3 probably stay at school and study.
Wednesday:
Go to HA Class in the morning.
Study for HA until my lab test
after lab test I go home and I run around in circles as a form of celebration
Thursday:
I will not go to sick kids. I'm going to stay home and work on my two papers: Personality & growth Paper and my Leadership Paper for PPG3. AND maybe if I have the guts I'll finish up my muscleoskeletal readings for HA.

Okay lol I know you guys don't wanna be reading this boring crap.. but lol I have to put this somewhere to motivate myself.
On weird note.. Jojo is humping a rock. Like I dont know what the hell his deal is. Lately, every morning, when we wakes up..I turn on the light ..he'll go into this "stance" and he'll be rubbing his lil man on a rock. *shudders*

ps. don't ask about the colour LOL

ooo

came across this...and she spoke to me ;)

UPDATE: i swear the leaky black make up scares the shit outta me. Bahh i feel naseous from the pills =\ I have work again today and then im off to utsc to study bah:(

I don't like you Mommy

OK last one bahahah this guy just stole my heart

I Want A Lollipop Puppy NOW!

bahahaha If I ever have a child..I can see her pulling this off. Calling my dad to take her to mcdonalds and buy her ice cream. I said my dad because there will be no prospective male figures in her life.I know what you all are thinking ami yous so crassie but I got plans up sleeves. It's called JLO Back Up Plan or Jennifer Anniston's The Switch (except no switching). arright i should head to bed this stuffs getting to me. ok maybe after watchin it once more. Yes my maternal hormones are up a notch today I don't know WHY!

my justification to get high

So tonight was when my will power disappeared. I came home from my friend's party.. prior to arriving I spoke to my friend she gave me an update on him, told me how seems to be doing better(that's good). I broke down and cried. Yesterday I went to the temple Im just standing there praying..messed up part is i was tearing up and my eyes were closed. I look up and there's this guy looking at me. Im just like UGHHUGFHGUSDHSJDHS...WHAT?! The last few days have just not been easy for me. The whole night I tried my best to smile, keep a positive perspective and not be a downer. I came home...and took the pills. So I feel a bit better...I guess I feel numb with a slight high . Seeing that I'm not bawling as I type this out and imagine him at a club dancin with another chick (no no he didn't but come one any ex will wonder that). =\ Im telling you I have my ups and downs. This is just my down.
Am I getting into a bad habit? maybe but i don't give a fuck. No one can sit there and say shit to me "oh don't do that your gonna be dependent" fuck that shit.. I know I'm going to be arright and Im doing arright. I'm still focused on school, it's like my child so I'm putting my all into it. And I get it, you have to learn to cope with this shit "naturally" to fully heal. You shouldn't resort to drugs, alcohol, meaningless sex and sugary foods. I for one believe I've been one strong-headed bitch when dealing with this crap. yes I cry and yes I'll be down BUT I feel that it's justifiable to let myself have a treat and just go numb. I am the "captain" for my group who seems to be doing well with our overall research project, health assessment is tough but its working, personality and growth going good and PPG3.. damn that ethics paper is going in my nursing portfolio. No I'm not cocky.. it's my justification. Therefore, if I can manage that crap with school and the drama with having to let go off someone that was your #1 guy, then I AM ENTITLED TO LET LOOSE SOMETIMES! =)
I want a pitcher not a belly itcher.

weak point

Im tired of it...
Tired of the fronting
Tired of the "getting on with my life"
I miss him alot.
I don't care if I look like the idiot who misses the guy who said a bunch of shit to me.
I miss him...
I have this stupid gaping empty hole feeling in my stomach.
And I am aware that it's different now without him.
Like the fact that I dont need to worry if I was to go out with friends and I'd have to argue with him because of that.
But I miss him
I know this entry is so intoxicating.
Things aren't gonna change...especially him
I guess this why I don't see myself moving on because even though he was a jerk there were moments he made me feel like a queen.
Therefore, i dont want and need to go out and think of being with someone else...because no one will ever measure up to him.
What killed me the most was the thought of him being with someone else.
I felt like someone pulled out my intestines.
prior to our break up he spoke about this girl; long wavy hair, beautiful, tall, light skin, nice small, charismatic, down to earth and smart.
I cringe at the thought of them being together.
Why am I like this?

ADD ON @ 7:01 PM
I didn't want to make a new entry so I just edited this post. I guess the best part of all of this is I can recognize when I'm going to go downhill. I know how to treat myself I can either distract myself with work and feel that "accomplished" high to realize Im choosing the right path...and if it's really bad I know I'd be reaching for the pills tonight. Let's just hope it's not the latter. I'm going to the temple soon. I hope it helps, even though I shouldn't go with such expectations. That is not what a temple is for..but I guess at this point I can only pray that everything is going to be alright and everyone is okay.

Deathly Hallows

watched Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows last night for the 12:01 am...it was just AMAZING.
I have this empty feeling that this long journey is almost over. :(

its been a while since I listened to this

If I were a boy
I think that Id understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear Id be a better man
Id listen to her
cause I know how it hurts
when you loose the one you wanted
cause hes taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed.

(Beyonce- If I were a boy)

PLEASE TELL ME WHY

is it that in my dreams..we are still together.
and why was I wearing grey tights?...eww.
Some may respond with Freudian's Theory of Wishful Thinking.
I guess I am wishing...
bah anyways Im still half asleep ...the entire dream was messed up and me and him being together was only a fragment of it.
I think the part that really felt like I was stabbed between the chest was waking up from a dream in which we were holding hands.
Something so simple, which many take for granted.
ok well I should be getting ready for school. I have a few things to drop off at school before I go to Sick Kids.

Glee - Umbrella/Singin' in the Rain 2x07 - [FULL SCENE HQ]

love it love it love it!!!! AMAZING COMBINATION :D

owl

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and
I'm not afraid to take a stand

I gotta give it to eminem some of his music helped me through some hard times.

Today was a breath-taking leaving me speech-less day. A few weeks ago I had to hand in an Ethics PPG paper. The teacher warned us at the beginning of class when we asked about the class average on the paper. He said "Students have a tendency to do bad on this paper and the second paper is what brings up their mark because it's easier." So he returns back our paper and i swear the class went hush and there was a gloom. I was growing anxious sitting there waiting for my name to be called. All these thoughts were going in my head like this paper wasn't that easy and alot of resources had to be used to prove my points. Also the scenario I used was a little hard to work with. Well.. I got 100% =| I know ...I am stunned ....

So, I've been having sleeping problems. Like I've tried everything in the God damn book from meditating, reading, rubbing my head, drinking the warm milk, avoiding coffee ..EVEN TEA after 6. I guess its a matter of getting back into a habit of sleeping at a certain time. Because I got myself into this bad habit of going to bed at 2 or 4 am. I miss sleep. I miss having that deep sleep and waking up well-rested. After class this morning I came home and I took a nap. It was much needed.

realization #2

Jamaican music reminds me of him.

realization

drinking green tea makes me crave some good kush :|

do you ever feel like a plastic bag? NO KATY PERRRY I DONT! Plastic bags are hazardous to our environment. I THOUGHT YOU’D KNOW BETTER!

hi there :)

Darren Criss (acts as Blaine on Glee)

Bruno Mars -- Grenade (CDQ)

mhmmm you sing it bruno!

gave you all i had and you tossed in the trash
tossed in trash
yes you did!
to give me all your love is all i ever asked
cuz watchu don't understand is...
I'd catch a grenade for ya

don't let me crash my airplane! :|

It's 2 am
I have this amazing high
A high that cannot be attained by illegal or prescribed drugs
A high that cannot be attained by alcohol
A high that cannot be achieved by an orgasm
A high that cannot be achieved by chocolates and ice cream.
No this high... this high is something different.
This high is only experienced once in a while. It hits you when you least expect.
You have this feel good sensation in your abdomen and you know everything is going to be fuckin' alright.
It's this urge to kick things out of your way and do something.
It's this surge of energy to bust out the most ridiculous dance moves to exert all this happiness and excitement.
This high is something divine and spiritual but it has almost nothing to do with God.
This high is something beyond the universe but its all mentality.
Let's hope I don't crash ;)

p.s for those who I know and love, no I am not HIGH. OOooO and my ipod's playing some kick ass music, I'd dance but I think me thumping my fat ass around would scare my family. bahahaha :)

GLEE - "Teenage Dream" Full Performance!

mmm mmm mmm =)
best song they did on glee!

check it out - Nicki Minaj & Will i am

In my space shuttle and I’m not coming down.

slums

ugh never buy pads for $2.99. Disgusting!

I remember we were at costco and he told me go get pads. And I'm like no it's okay. Then he goes fine I just suggested it because you'd complain you don't have pads when you really need it.

I don't care how many people I am repulsing right now...I need my night time pads right now and I dont have any =( He was a good guy... he knew me pretty well and cared for me.
I guess you all know that by now with all my numerous attempts to justify that here or you just know. I'm just disappointed what happened to us and that he has become this guy that only he can change to do better for himself. No matter how much we pray to God the choices people make it's in their hands. God is not going to come down and be like HEY YOU! STOP! I think God is someone like moderator who maintains this equilibrium, to make sure that things just don't go out of balance.
And Im sick and tired of talking about him. I must be annoying.

Wow I'm really all over the place today.Well here's a =| video

hey soul sister

You'd think after midterms I can run around saying "free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty we are free at last!" (that's from Martin Luther King's speech). But no...starting November 15-November 24th I have 7 various projects ( various as in 2 assignments, presentation, group project, essay and a paper) and topped off with a Lab Test, I know best cherry on top ever. I know would I like some cheese with that wine? It's just I can't help but want to shake my hips to Barbra Streisand by Duck Sauce. wooooott =) Well, on the bright side I kind of like the 7 projects, sort of find it challenging. So it's time I get on the horse and jump over those damn hurdles. Don't know if I'd ever do horse back riding, according to the best friend it hurts your cooch or maybe Im just taking what she said out of context bahahaha. ;)

The latest home invasion in Markham has my family spooked. The people came in, shot the woman of the house and was pronounced dead. The father is severly injured. The 24 year old daugther was kept seperate from the parents and tied up. It happened on 407 & Kennedy. It's just insane! *sigh* Rest in peace. truly hope York Region Police can find those who are responsible for this.
http://www.cp24.com/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20101109/101109_home_invasion/20101109/?hub=CP24Home

Can't Sing Psycho Girl Freaks Out When She Can't Hit The Right Notes!!!

I die from laughter everytime I watch this...no matter how many times I watch it.

Life Goals

1. Become a Nurse
2. Volunteer Abroad in a foreign under-developed country.
   
3. Finish some unfinished business- Go back to York, study part time and get a BA in psych. or philosophy
4. Participate in writing a medical research paper
5. Open up a support group for emotionally abused women
6. Ride an elephant and kiss him or her! (nothing sexual >=\)
7. Go on a trip to the Galapagos islands.
   

Looking at this list gives me this empty-gut feeling that you get when you drop down a steep hill on a roller coaster. It's a sense of intimidation, fear, excitement and thrill, all at the same time! As much as I want to do all this, I stare at the list dumfounded. How can I accomplish all of this? Do I have the potential? What if I don't do all of this? What if I do?!

I can see some personal growth that I can allocate such goals. I’m surprised at myself. Nevertheless, I feel like a baby who has a long way to go to accomplish all of this. This list is my reminder, that despite everything that has happened to me, that I can’t let myself held back. Life most go on and it does. And unfortunately people let themselves get left behind. They let the state of their life control them. All of last week, I can clarify to you I had symptoms of depression. I took a sedative, it gave me this high that made you feel like you were walking on sunshine. Never felt anything like it! As a nursing student, I know this drug is highly addictive and patients develop dependency to it. I woke up feeling like CRAP. Because yes it’s a band-aid, it made me feel good then and there. I felt so ashamed that I resorted to it, once again (this was not my first time). From then on I knew I am an idiot. I cannot let life go on, and let myself get left behind. People go on, they have their own lives, and they go on to make themselves better. People can care ONLY so much about you because they have a life of their own. So I laid there at 4 am, all these thoughts racing through my head and my heart was pounding with anger and adrenaline had kicked in. The thought creeped in you know it would calm you down. But I pushed that stupid thought aside. I laid there and WHAM! One after another all these ideas came in my head. I wrote them down.

I always wonder what my purpose for being here? I always answered, to have kids and raise them.(LOL no lies) What difference do I make in this world? Probably not a lot but now I can say it wouldn’t hurt to try to make a difference. I think I finally have reconnected with God. It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are moments where I am the shit in the urine. But I guess this is what it’s all about: falling down, getting up, wobbling to get back your stance and walking again and then repeat. As much as it’s so easy to say don’t let your emotions control you, they will, its human nature. But the point of being human is not acting on impulse that it consumes your entire life and its also not finding quick fixes like taking sedatives for your emotions. You got to get to the root cause! I haven’t found the root cause or maybe I have. Maybe I know what it is but I let my emotions get the best of me. A week from now, there’s a chance I will probably be in the slums again. But from what self-reflected and observed of myself; if I get bad, I get better.

I always felt like I was a failure. For me a goal can never be accomplished successfully at the first shot. And so to write out these goals I was intimidated and I was putting myself out there because I may fail, thus disappointing myself which leads to beating myself up for it. I still fear I may fail but the goals give me a motivation, a direction and options!

As much as I was (maybe I still am) ashamed that I study at a college, there is a significant change in happiness and contentment. I’m a grateful for those individuals in my life and God for bringing me here. I know the journey isn’t done but coming to this college has changed me. I was always introverted and never really got involved. Now here I am writing out lists to get involved and do something! It’s a big change and a significant amount of the credit goes to the college and my Nursing Program.

I do, however, need to remind myself that these are goals not plans. Life does not go as one plans. Of course, I always fail to realize that and get ahead of myself but maybe one day I will achieve these goals. I hope I do.