It's hard..

explaining the truth and being afraid that you are going to be judged for it. I know Why should it matter what others think? I guess it's because I am one of those people who care about what others think. I worry if what I said was offensive and I obesess over anything that may be a norm in my life would be abnormal to others. Im going to try being honest and upfront with people but I feel like secretly I'd judged for it. For the past few weeks I literally realized so much about myself that it's insane. Usually this realization is difficult when I have school because school itself is a distraction. But it was inevitable, I sort of knew some of the stuff in the back of my mind. Most of the stuff were the truth to what people have told me. I guess now I'm wondering how am I suppose to change these characteristics that I've developed for God knows how long. I just need to sit down and differentiate between what others say and what I truly believe. It's intimidating in a sense because it seems so hard. Why does this matter so much to me? I am tired of wondering if I am excessively negative or when I get mad, am I getting defensive and angry for the right or wrong reasons. My filtering system has a glitch and it needs repair ASAP!!

Oh and I think I have overreactive adrenal glands. I also went to the doctor's today I didn't have a UTI! YAY I dont know if my reccurrent UTIs have stopped because believe me it is one of the most painful and worst thing a girl can endure. But yeah today confirmed it and well it was good news! :)

nothing

There is something about nothing that makes it so appealing.

I can say this with no shame but a sense of pride. I got out of bed at 2 pm. I woke up around 9:45 am but went back to sleep, woke up again, went back to sleep and woke up at 12:54. At this point I was like okay this is a tad bit excessive. I stayed in bed and read Eat, Pray, Love. The book is okay, I find myself getting bored at sometimes, which is quite unfortunate but there’s something about the character that I have in common. She seems so lost spiritually, she’s trying to find God. I’m not trying to go Jehovah on you, but I have been. I’ve looked at my friends, my boyfriend and my father through these lenses of negativity. Every action they do I saw it as the worst. From their I’ve pushed myself away. What does this have to do with spirituality? I don’t know but I guess I look at God in a negative sense to. I remember telling my brother I find it hard to accept religion but I can accept God. But of course God is at a distance in my personal word. I don’t think about him everyday, I don’t thank him for his blessings and I don’t pray three times a day. When he comes up he comes up. I’ve become so evidence-based, its like if God exists why don’t I feel him (not physically but that emotional, mental inner gut feeling)? Why don’t I see him? Is God even a He? If so why?

Anyways, after reading, I then went down to eat lunch and drink tea. It started to rain. There’s this silence prior to rainfall, it’s so eerie because every simple action like the scrapping of the garbage bin as it’s dragged on the pavement becomes exaggerated and loud. Everything becomes to quite and desolate. It began to pour… so I did it. I mean it was tempting who wouldn’t?! I went out in the rain and my mom yelled at me to come back inside because I might get sick. It was so relaxing and unusual. Afterwards, I came upstairs dried myself off put on my robe and pjs and laid in my bed as the sun shines through the window. Jojo seems to like it. He doesn’t go up to his balcony to sunbath unless there is sun.

It feels good.. no pressure or obligations nothing to think about. My plans for today? Go to the tea shop to pick up this tea I tried at David’s tea yesterday. It was an ayruvedic tea that they sell, I have Pitta but I tried Shanti and it was amazing. It has this aroma that tickles your senses. There are only two places I’d work just for the 50% discount: David’s tea and Garage. Fortunately they opened up a David’s tea in STC. Otherwise, I’d have to travel far to pick up my tea. After that I want to go to Chapters, there’s just something about that store that feels so nice. I don’t think I attend on buying anything because I have a few books to finish. Its fun just looking at books. But we’ll see about going to chapters.

Oh yah, Im not trying out for soccer. Of course I feel like a failure for not going out and trying, but I just don't want to. I hate the uncertainity because I know if I was so sure about the soccer, there wouldn't have been such uncertainity for me.

norm

I hate it when I am indecisive, because it is usually not in me to be indecisive. So when I am it's a lenghty process of delibaration, thinking, and negotiating. And it's just annoying because I'd be stagnant on the same topic for hours on. I guess Im going to sleep on it?

hm

I want to write so much but for some reason it won't come out. It's like fecal impaction(when your ass is clogged with shit); there is shit there but only some will leak out. LOL regardless the fact I'm done nursing theory I can't help but think about it. Well let's just get to the minor leakages:
1. I am tired, sleep deprived and it's showing nevertheless I have time to rest.
2. I did bad on my first essay for my PPG course so I worked my ass off for my second paper and got a 100% :) I was so shocked and proud of myself.
3. It still hasn't hit me I am done school, I came home and I felt like I was suppose to be doing something, like doing my readings, homework or questions.
4. I need to rearrange my bookshelf. I intend on holding onto my old notes and work for nursing courses. Therefore, I need more space but just don't know where to put what.
5. I came home, put a sandwhich bag full of almond chocolate and stuffed my face. mmmm and it was fuckin worth every bite and increase of blood sugar ..work harder insulin..HARDER!! yeah I'm a little hysterical.. remember irregular sleep patterns + stress= deadly impact on your mental functioning. :)

Macrophages...ATTACK!!

A part of me wants to get sick. I can tell I am getting sick which ironically is a bittersweet thing for me. With being sick your body demands you to get bed rest, it demands you to have plenty of fluid intake and you have this justification to get adequate rest. I’m not saying when I am off from school I’m not going to relax. But sadly, and this the truth, I can’t stay confined at home for more than one day. I got to do something! There’s only so much you can lie in bed and then you get bored. When you’re sick you can sleep in bed, read books, watch a movie etc. etc. I mean you can do that when you aren’t sick but only for some amount of time. I know I shouldn’t jinx myself I had some stuff to get done prior to school; like go to doctor’s appointment to get a check up, pay my bills for school and WORK to get some money. But I don’t know we will see how things go. The girls from nursing wanted to go out after exams; hopefully it’s not a flop like last time. I also wanted to meet up with a few friends and just catch up. This summer was just a drag. I guess I should enjoy the most of it before it ends! Lol here I am thinking ahead of myself when I’m not even done exams. I have two more to go and seriously I’m just discouraged after today’s exam. I just don’t even want to bother, it’s either I know my shit or not. Well back to studying. =\

Time

I just love how time runs on fast forward when you need it the most. I constructed a schedhule of how I would study today. I mean I've managed to review a little bit of everything: Nursing Theory, Pathophysiology and PPG2. Obviously PPG2 had most of the time for review.. but reviewing it is becoming so redundent. I'm on my half hour break right now. I dont know what Im going to do... *sigh* as much as I need more time, I don't have any and as much as I want more time I don't want any because I can't stand studying. Gahh Monday-Wednesday are going to go by so quick that I hate it. I hope I do well on my exams I feel like it's not in my hands anymore. =\

sleep my little bo peep

This morning while I was sleeping..My stomach was hurting, like REALLY badly. But not to the extreme where I was completly awake from the pain. Instead, I was half awake and half asleep. So my stomach was fucking killing me..and I remember telling myself in my sleep... "It's just the soya meat I hate last night It's just the soya... I knew I shouldn't have eaten when it was too hott." After telling myself that I fell back asleep. It's funny how the mind and body work.
I find myself sleeping in alot more nowadays, because even if I went to bed at 1 or 2 I will not matter what wake up between 9 and 10. Today I had to drag my ass out of bed or else I would have slept in till 11 like I've been doing for the past week. Sheesh I can imagine my best friend reading this and going I told you circadian rhythm this ..stop screwing with your body that! But I guess the body can only compensate for so long...
The word peep sounds very perverted.

Cancer

Fake cancer girl

freaking out

I looked at the clock after rolling around in bed aimlessly that is was 10:20. I realized that within a weeks time I would have finished my first exam for PPG and on my way to the library to study for pathophysiology&pharmacology exam on tuesday. I have LESS than one week to study for exams and I haven't even started. Oh dear god! I jumped outta bed, realized my grandfather was occupying the washroom, turned on the computer to do my usual stuff (check school e-mail, hotmail and blackboard. I wish I could be like those people who prepare for exams weeks ahead. But nevertheless it's impossible to do so if I'm overwhelmed with other courses prior to prepartion. I know it's a lame justification but I really need to change myself.
Also, nowadays I have this tendency to wake up with this anxiety that I've woken up late for school and has missed something important. This morning was the second time happening in the recent week and it's NOT fun waking up first thing in that morning with that anxiety.
This weekend was so unproductive....it's like no matter how much I tried to work I was distracted. Whether it be reading some stupid article online, biographies of celelbrities on wikipedia (I have this weird tendency to do that), talking on msn/phone or just plain old staring out the window.
Tommorow is my interview, which is like my final exam for on course. Basically I show her my portfolio that I've been working on all year, some course work she assigned for the interview, my self-evaluations and just answer some questions. So yeah I need to finish that today!
*sigh* my mom just started playing the gayatri mantra downstairs and for some reason when I hear it, it just relaxes me. It is one of the three hindu prayers I only know, but this dude singing it is so nice and calm. ok lol well I have a crazy day ahead of me. I love how when I'm home there is always some errands to run. Yes my brother can take my mom, but when my mom needs to pick out dinner plates I think he would be as useless as a male nipple. Oh yeah so next saturday (the 21st) I have a wedding, have'nt even properly thought about what to wear lol but some how my mother has picked out the saree( that I already have) I would wear. You know like when you were 7 years old and your mother chose what you wore to those special occasions. So I'm like meh that's one burden off of my shoulder, I could care less how I look at this wedding probably because I have other things to worry about like my exams and doctor check up prior to that. Okay i am blabbing.. and avoinding the inevitable...I NEED TO START ON MY WORK!!

I need a vacation

UGHHH!!! seriously fucjskdjfsdgsdgbdsfbdsbfdsbgfdsbg,mfdgbmfdgbdfgfbdm,gbsdf.vb
I hate you hypoglycemia
I hate you Health care assignment that I didn't get the mark I should have gotten on...(I am going to talk to the prof to see where I went wrong) in which everyone did really good on and is saying that she marked easy!
I hate you pimples on my arm from waxing the hair of my arm
I hate you skin for breakin out for god knows what reason
I hate you throat for tingling as if I am in the process of getting sick
I HATE YOU INSULIN... no..no I take that back...insulin you've done ALOT for me.
OH! and it's really annoying when you are trying comprehend things and you have this song playing in the back of your mind..like a distant tune....its as if my minds trying to mock me..test me... test my patience!! pa pa l'americanoooo!!!

Yes I've hit the hysterical phase of test preperation.

We are what we think

All that we are arises with our thoughts

With our thoughts we make the world

Speak or act with an impure mind, and trouble will follow you, as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart

We are what we think

All that we are arises with our thoughts

With our thoughts we make the world

Speak or act with a pure mind, and Happiness will follow you, as your shadow, unshakable

How can a troubled mind understand the way?

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded

But once mastered, no one can help you as much, not even your father or your mother