cracks

"We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to control the damage we've done, or thats been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage."

alone

Have the house all to myself for the next couple of hours. I did get invited to go out by a friend to this Taste of Asia festival happening in Markham but I just felt like being home and just being alone. It's a rare occasion getting the house all to myself so making the most of it. I got some Hakka food and just going to enjoy the fleeting moment of peace while it lasts :)

Anjali - Anjali anjali anjali - Ilaiyaraaja

*sigh* <3

quote

There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.

I'd really like some quiet time.

the underdog

For some reason I can't help but feel like it's just getting more competitve at our unit. It's not like our college has a limited amount of diplomas to hand out to the nursing students. I think what it is, is that the unit I'm at is a rehab unit. There is very limited amount of "acute" care patients for us to practice our nursing skills. Nevertheless, the moment there is one every pounces on the patient once we get a chance.
So I'm beginning to relate alot to George O'Malley from Grey's anatomy. He is BY FAR one of my favourite characters and I swear to you that after the character's tragic death on the show, Grey's Anatomy has not been the same. Anyways, he was seen as the underdog, the one who was weakest but deep down he had the utmost strength, knowledge and potential out of all of them. He is usually taken for granted because of his pasiveness. He proved EVERYONE wrong by performing an emergency open heart surgery in a stuck elevator. After being hurt and disappointed he became a hard ass and started standing up for himself. And that's what I started doing, when someone even the other nurses or my teachers say anything to me that is tge slightest of putdown I talk back, stand up for myself and jokingly and/or politely say what I've done to point out my contributions. I realized you have to show that you want it and push yourself out there. But why such competitiveness? Some may be motivated to better themselves whereas others might get robbed of a learning experience. BUT if you truly want it I guess you have to fight for this crap.
Anyways here's my story. My friend and I stepped in to watch a wound dressing on a patient. Me and her kind of arranged it amongst ourselves that "okay you get this patient as your new patient, while I do the wound dressing for her the 2nd week" I left the room briefly to let my teacher know we were in X patient's room watching the procedure. So we finish up and now we're in our post clinical conference meeting. My friend was talking about patient X. Now patient X, is a nursing student's gold mine. Not only does she have bear minimal weight bearing, she's got an extensive wound and IV, AND she's a sweet lady. I mean don't get me wrong, her story is heart-wrenching to listen to. But I mean for the sake of our learning experience she's an amazing patient to work with. So as we speak, you see one of my peer's hands go up. She was anxiously waving her hand up and down because she didn't want to seem like she's interuppting to talk. Anways finally she talks and asks the teacher if she can get he patient! I looked over at my friend like this :| and my other friend who was sitting beside her goes I swear you were going to take her. My teacher agrees to my peer's request and goes see you guys have to step up and take it. Then she looks at me and goes (my name ), you are always out there trying to get experience but you have to step up. I then responded: Oh I was going to do her wound dressing, I just assumed that ____ (my friend's name) wanted her as her patient for the next 2 weeks so I didn't say anything to take that oppurtunity away from. But it's like WTF?! did I know my peer was going to jump out like a ninja and the girl who did ask for the patient is set she knows her shit, she has some pretty good hands on experience from her past clinicals, she's the know it all of the class and has a shit load of my teacher's respect. Jealous? maybe a little. But it's like everytime we have to do something she jumps first. After me saying that to the teacher, our teacher wrote down all our names and jumbled it in a hat. AND SADLY the girl who volunteered to do it first was the name drawn out of the hat. C'est la vie.

Smile

Good song.

Through the good and the bad

It's a bitch. I work my ass off. Spend 7 hours working on a care plan and wake up at 5 am to finish it off. I work my ass of to get my stuff done at the hospital. Believe me these past two weeks with my new 300 lb patient who complains and is particular about her care HAS BEEN A HELL. SO why can't my teacher factor that into consideration regarding my care?! What does my teacher have to say? Not good enough, you can do better. Honestly, this may seem light to a few of those who read this. But when you seek out for some encouragement and poitive feedback after working so hard and you don't get anything, it's discouraging and frustrating. I've confided in my friends about this and in a sense I'm not alone. We've all had our shares of emotional break downs. I really wish I can just explain it much more details or readers can understand HOW frustrating it is but it's hard. I guess with the work piled on top of me, with the new patient and the fact that my teacher says I need to improve I WANT TO FRIKKEN SCREAM SO LOUD!
But then this happened...
I walked into my first patients room with the wife sitting by his bedside. We spoke about things here and there. She told me how they were transferring him to a rehab facility and about how she would have to commute 1.5 hours to now see her husband. Let me tell you (knock on wood, spit three times), they are a classic example of what true love is. The kind of unconditional love you see with a parent and a child or the kind of love you see with older generations of married couples. Sorry to say it but it's rare to come by nowadays (or maybe Im just a bitter cynic). But no there is a difference! I can hope only for the best from them. So we spoke and it was time for me to head out for break. I took time out part of my break to visit them. This may have been the last time I see her because tommorow morning it will get hectic and I will be busy with my patient. So she stood up, face flushed with redness and hugged me. I hugged her and she thank you and I wish you nothing but the best. As I looked down at her, she was crying! I was telling myself don't ....start...crying. do not start crying in front of patient! I reflect back and I can't help but think, I was such an impact! I must have done something right with her to have sucha bond. I wished her and her husband the best and went off to break. I re-visited once more when I was done my shift with my friend who is the actual nurse for the patient. At this time he was sleeping. (he's so cute when he sleeps :) ) So we were all talking about knitting. I told her I tried and just don't have the patience whereas my friend (who was with me) knows how to do it but doesnt remember. The patient's wife said well im sure you know how to do it you can make it for your kid one day. My friend laughed and said that's a long time from now! She replied well you never know once you find the right man. And I chimed in saying haha I think she found the right man ;) She then asked me do you have a boyfriend? I replied no, school if my bf. THEN the patient's wife goes it's too bad your so young you'd be perfect for my son but you'll find the right guy one day! Me... awkwardly laugh. We then left, finished up our stuff and left to our locker room. I tell my friend this and she's like you guys seemed to be talking quiet friendly when he was here the other week. LOL :| I replied First of all I was being nice! Secondly, that's against the rules. Thirdly, he's like 20 years older than me! oh man oh man...:|
Sometimes I hate it but then you run into people like my first patient's wife. They change your perspective on certain things in life and about yourself. She gave me this grounded perspective that gets brainwashed by society and it's expectations. But *sigh* sometimes moments like those that honestly makes up for the crap I endure.

reality

oh if only...
but why?

please take me to narnia

They say it’s in the darkest hours that one grows and becomes stronger. It’s the obstacles in life that challenges us and makes us learn for the better. Sometimes we have to suck it up and take whatever life shoots at us. What’s going on now is a bitch, and I hope that it’s for the better in the future. That it will help in some way! At times, I can’t help but feel alone but that’s not the case. You aren’t always alone, there’s always someone in the same boat as you. Yes, you can pretend to be strong and hold your emotions in. You can resort to other means to deal with the stress in ineffective ways (like procrastination) but in the end you have face every challenge. In the end, running away doesn’t do anything, you have to own up to your responsibilities and take it down. Because, like I mentioned earlier the crap one endures now will make one better for the future. So hopefully, regardless how much of a bitch it is, this is for the better. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

K I admit it ...

I'm jealous. *rolls eyes*
Time to get over it

Lil Wayne - How To Love (New Single May 2011) (Tha Carter IV) With Lyrics

k wow I can't believe I actually like this song...:S

ecstatic?

There's this nervous excitement in the pit of my stomach. My teacher got me and another student on the med-surg unit for tommorow. I hate that sometimes I just lack the confidence in my abilities and let that screw with my mind. The moment should be enjoyed and utilized wisely, not living in fear and anxiety. I know my shit, and maybe it wouldn't hurt to review my nursing skills. I'm guessing it's natural that I am nervous..hm? I just want to be competent and know what I got to know when I get on the unit tommorow. I also hope I have a good nurse tommorow. If the nurse is in a bad mood and doesn't want to teach, then we really don't get much out of it. At the same time I really do hope I get some good hands on experience and get a glimpse at how the unit functions because I'm considering going into med-surg for my pre-grad + possibly in nursing.
So yeah sorta shitting bricks for tommorow, but it's all a learning experience. I'm working on this care plan. *sigh* It's going to take forever to finish. We have 11 categories of needs(oxygenation, nutrition, elimination, activity/exercise etc.) in which we collect data and analyze (with references). Before we would just have to do the data collection for all the needs and analyze only the priority need of the patient. So if the patient is constipated, his/her priority need would be elimination (bowel). But no, they changed that now. They want analysis on all 11 needs. With more analysis on the priority need. What the douche man? *sigh* LOL I really shouldn't be writing in my blog, if I manage my time wisely I can do some review for tommorow + studying for my patho test next week. But hmm don't know how that's going to go.
Alot of my friends complain about the extensive amount of work we are bombarded with at my college. Compared to other schools ours is much harder (according to the students of other schools and even teachers). And yeah they drill us into doing our head to toe assessments (even though nurses don't even do that when they actually practice, unless you are an ICU nurse) and make us do all these math calculation and write weekly care plans! But all this work is going to eventually benefit us right? Regardless of how crazy it makes you and time consuming it can be. You tend to pick up bad habits when you start practicing on your own in the hospital. So I hope what they are drilling in to my head sticks with me for the rest of my career. Ugh... Im staring at Jojo snapping at a rock... Lol what a cutie he's got the simple life.