maybe...

i will feel better after i start working at the hospital.

avoidance

We all have certain perspectives, values and habits that we've built and developed over the years. They are dynamic and change over time and through experiences. Sometimes you come across a certain thing with someone that makes you wonder, is it really all worth it? Certain things I can meet half way. Maybe I have to get used to being in this whole relationship stuff again. Quite honestly I got comfortable not having to worry about anyone else (and the drama that entails them, no offence to him). It's selfish but it's true. Im beginning to wonder; okay is it worth getting into a relationship with this guy if I might get hurt, if we fight all the time, if we become unhappy, if I get overly attached? I know I am thinking way too much into this... but I think I have a justifiable reason. I've been hurt, and don't want it happening again. its quite astonishing to see how much I am resisting. I am quite conflicted, best to take my time. If this guy is worth it, he'll wait around when I am ready. otherwise he's free to do whatever and whoever. =\

ooo

lace panties

power struggles

okay lets see if i can get everything out here. So i told him about how i feel. In regards to my feelings, my anxieties and fears. It took an overwhelming about of emotional capacity to express it. Only to get responses, but not things that I wanted to hear. I told him it bugged me bc hear I am saying crap and you are giving me frank responses. He explained about his consumption with school and apologized. I felt like a needy moron. And i guess that got me to pull back. 
The irony is I struggled so much to be on my own after getting out of a relationship, that I seem to face similar displeasures in letting him in to my life. Like I mentioned I have trust issues. I also think of the worst possible things. I also noticed what an ego/pride issue I have. I guess what I am coming at is I never saw myself as one to have walls built up and ego problems. 
It's all very conflicting because I like my walls. However, I also have feelings for this guy and am considering pursuing a relationship. It's just I don't feel ready. What's sort of frustrating is most of my close friends know about him. I can count 6 people. Of the six, 5 of them have said positive stuff about him. And it's great. Nothing better to hear these words from the people that matter the most. It's just when you hear "he's a good guy and he's actually the first guy I trust in your life"; you can't help but be taken aback. I wonder to myself, how is it so simple for people to be so accepting, when I can't? But I guess there's a  big difference. It's my life. But I am not ready and of course I am aware that is truly what is important. I know simply that I might be working myself up, that I should go with the flow and let time work its magic. Which is the right decision, taking your time. That way we can actually figure out our issues, flaws and actually get to know each other.
I don't want to rush into things. I feel as if it is because we started only talking like a month ago. But what keeps slipping my mind was how close we were before we lost touch. 
The other day, he had an exam. He said he'd call me up once he was done. He went in to write it at 2. It was almost 6 and I still haven't heard from him. I was wondering to myself how an exam was 4 hrs. My licensing exam wasn't even that long. I guess I kind of got worried, given his situation.  So he calls and it goes like this:
Him: where are you?
Me: I am at XYZ house (we had a dance practice for my friend's proposal)
Him: okay so where is that?
Me: Huh? 
Him: WHERE DOES XYZ LIVE?
Me: He lives in ABC(at this point my tone has turned aggressive because it seemed like he was hounding me  for my whereabouts). Where are You? 
Him: I'm at STC.
Me: you came down?!


Yup, he came... to surprise me...for valentine's day. :S  What baffled me is how quickly I jumped the gun and assumed the worst, in the sense his questions were being asked because was suspicious and distrustful. I literally tensed up. I never realized how much of an impact my ex had on me, until now. I guess I just need time to feel ready to get into this. 


another things I fear is losing myself. My independence. I don't want to get overly attached that I forget what I want to do and those that are important to me. I don't want to be overly engrossed like I was before. I want to maintain doing my own thing. Yes, he is a great guy but I don't want it to be to the point where I am way to available for him that I am taken for granted. That, and I should just maintain my own self. I know I know I sound so pathetic. But I cringe at the thought of expressing all these details to anyone else and hearing myself do it, so I am just venting away on this. Hoping that maybe my thoughts would sort of settle.


I like this guy alot. I can spew on and on AND ON about all the things that make him "like-able", but quite frankly I don't think it does it justice. I went to my friends house today and we watched the Women. At one point a character said "if at one point you don't know what to do, don't do anything." 


The bright side, my brother is coming home tomorrow. So it would be nice to vent and get his perspective. 

ugh

i think i am falling for him more than i should. my friend was right, the more you hold back and resist the deeper you fall. :S stupidness...I just need to have a fine balance of things.

can't

i don't think i can do it. it's not even trust issues... but also insecurity. i guess it goes beyond it...probably does. but i can't... i mean why put a strenuous effort when it should come naturally? here i am trying and forcing myself. Like I have the sense of well being and confidence in myself, so wait scratch that , it's not insecurity. maybe it's trust issues. 

acceptance

It  is too bad that I am sick and it's cold outside. I'd really like to go on a hike and just clear my thoughts. I guess I can bundle up? But I should let this cold pass. 

what is wrong with me?

I swear I was sick a couple of weeks ago. 

Anyway, at this point I am just waiting for the exam results. It's funny how much of a domino effect it plays in two important aspect of my life. I am to take my grandparents to the doctors today. 

Met up with friends last night for a practice. Pretty productive. I hope she likes it. Afterwards, we sat at Wendy' ate lunch and talked about life. It was one of those moments where you just get so involved in a conversation you forget that there are other around probably listening to you. 

It's weird actually it's quite simple. I like him. He likes me. We have a potential of making something happen. But I have boarded up these walls. Of course some situations I can be myself, and entrust him when I confide in him about my worries. Nevertheless, when it comes to letting go and falling back; I am ever so reluctance. I can't let what happened in the past predict the future. I have to take the facts as they are now. You keep your experience from the past as a lesson. But I guess I shouldn't be letting it controlling me. 

An awkward conversation came up between him and I the other day. Sometimes it seems we are on the same page and sometimes we aren't. I'd have an anxiety attack and push him away. Never thought I was one to do that. Never. Anyway, the conversation, it prompted me to wonder: are we moving too fast? too slow? Sometimes I think it's all way too fast but then at times I enjoy the pace we are going at. What is there really to get to know about him, because I've known him from before. But then again things have changed, we have changed. I'm not taking him for granted but  I guess if he really has "feelings" for me -_- he will wait until I am ready.