foster the people

I really miss you, I miss you, I said

Smile at the chance just to see you again

=]

Love Anthem For World Peace - STR Official Full Song Video

Now this song is okay. And I'm quite aware that Simbhu is a known to be a douche, but damn he looks pretty cute in this video. Minus the scene in the white blazer where he's topless underneath, that was weird.

one step at a time

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

beach

sometimes when I go to the beach, I sit on this one specific bench. I aimlessly stare out at the horizon but yet sit there quite concentrated. Thoughts get cleared, problems get resolved and emotions begin to dissolve. And sometimes, when things feel all resolved I write messages in the sand for others to read. I don't know why, I just do it. :) 

bah

i'm a loser. 

christmas war zone

Me: pssssssssssttt
Bro: *wakes up and curls into fetal postion* mmmm?
Me: I need to go to the store. wanna come?
Bro: why?
Me: I need to pick up undergarments and Christmas cards. I want to get there a bit early to beat the last minute Christmas herd.
Bro: okay..get ready...come wake me up and I'll brush my teeth and come.
Me: ugh are you going to put on clothes?
Bro: maybe..*turns over and falls back asleep*

ew

screw it

My day of self-pity and hatred has come to an effin halt. Well not really, but I must put an end to it. The most productive was writing a post on tumblr in regards to heart medications. Other than that  I've been sleeping all day. My mom woke me up because I haven't eaten and well couldn't sleep after that so I pathetically wallowed in self-pity. My brother and grandpa have checked up on me. My brother even offered to go out. I pushed them away. I just need time you know? It's exasperating getting my hopes up only for them to get shot down. Haha It's one thing if it happens with guys, but when it comes to something like school. Nah that ain't right. 

You know that's the fucked up part; pitying yourself and giving up it's SO damn easy to be successful at it. However, going on against the odds and overcoming the obstacles, is a challenge but you get what you want. I'll do whatever the fuck it takes to get what I want.

I'm not going to let this get in the way of enjoying my much deserved break or much needed study time for my licensing exam.  Is it odd that I want to go out, get drunk and just cut loose? Probably not, and I'm probably going to do it without giving a shit about what people think.  I don't party every week, so this is my chance. 

Anyways, I'm going to work with what I have and become the best nurse I can out of all of this. Like I mentioned in my blog earlier, this happening helped me set my priority straight. And this is my priority. 

So I'm going to change in to some booty shorts and  tank, put on some good music and clean up the room. This includes giving jojo a much needed bath and scrubbing his tank clean. 

toy

I honestly feel like God or the universe or whatever it may be is just jerking me around like some sort of toy. One week I am in a state of constant anxiety and depression. Then, finally, I speak to admissions and it's a few days of relief that there was a mistake with my marks. But NOW once again, it looks like I was right all along. Messed up part is I can't speak to any one at the school until the Jan 2nd, 2012. Is it wrong to displace this on God or the universe?
Yes. Simply put the admissions guy may have made a mistake while I was right all along. It has nothing to do with God or the universe, but why is God letting this happen? But then again God watches over a lot worse travesties in this world. I find it such a taboo to speak about about God on my blog but furthermore blame him when things don't go right. These kind of things happens to everyone. But I'm so exasperated that I'm being jerked around like some rag doll. After reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho the one line that is drilled into us is; “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
Does the universe not see me striving to achieve my goals? Does the universe not see me come home from an 8 hr evening shift at clinicals only to study? Does the universe not see me lug around those huge books on my back? Does the universe not see me cry and break down very semester due to stress? DOES THE UNIVERSE NOT SEE ME FUCKING WORKING MY ASS OFF? 
Never have I put so much emotional, physical and mental effort into something. It's as if some sick joke to toy someone around like this. It's even more exasperating because this is something I really want and nursing is something I am very passionate about.  I've rocked many boats and changed a lot to get to nursing. And nursing has helped me become and grow into someone that I love.  I get if one is so passionate about their dreams, nothing will get in their way of achieving it. But I can't help but look around and wonder why only me?  Why do things just fall into place for some? While I pivot my way around to conform for something I love. What's even more irritating is I have to wait until Jan 2nd to hear back from someone. This isn't the end I will do whatever the fuck it takes to get to my final goal. It's just I can't help but wonder why the string of events had to occur the way they did. 
It's a funny turn of events though. Just at the moment when something you treasure so dearly is at the risk of not being attained those trivial matters just float away. I think about those months where I obsessed over cop guy, but now if someone was to walk in I'd put up walls. I realized how much of a priority my career and how irrelevant all this stuff in regards to boys came once all this happened. On my way back from the hockey game last night, I spoke to two guys from the leafs game. It was quite obvious they were hitting on me with their jokes and comments. I rolled my eyes, laughed and played along. It was fun. Nothing more. It was when I got home and I checked my mark that my peaceful day went down the drain. I didn't let it ruin it, because going to the hockey game last night was AMAZING and nothing can take from that. My point is, with all this going on in my plate I can never consider a guy. Even if things were to work out for me with school, I realized how high of a priority it is to ensure all my focus is on school and nothing else. (And of course leaving some aside for my family and friends). I stopped giving a fuck about what others my think because it's only those who love me and know truly how much I went through this semester would know. I'm pissed but the fact that I didn't get it acts as a challenge. Motivating me more to try harder. I'm happy with what I've got, my RPN degree, and I will make the most of it. I can work with that and work my way up. Now its a matter of looking at other options. But I guess for today, I am angry at this sick joke by the universe getting my hopes up by opening the door, I run to it, only to shut it in my face and laugh. 

done clinicals

oh my goodness I can finally READ a novel!!!!! Where to begin?!! What to read?!? So excited. 

oh hot damn

Whoa. The blogger setup has changed.

Anyway, I'm trying to grasp things, think things through, weigh out my options and cover every bit of ground. Which altogether is a REALLY slow process in terms of figuring out what to do and where to go. So hopefully by the end of the week I have somewhat of an idea. Right now the goal is to get the resume done, apply for jobs and study for my licensing exams.

Few things I've learned in the past few days which many would find valuable and reasonable:

You don't know the value of something or someone unless it/them are threatened to be stripped from you or is actually gone. We really don't! But the passion and angst expressed in such a threat shows how much it means to you and how much you value it. How much you are not ready to give up without a fight and ready to do whatever it takes. See that's the thing, doing whatever it takes sometimes may involve not following expected social norms.But fuck it. 

Secondly, we take those who we REALLY care about for granted. Many people bend over backwards to ensure you are smiling. Whether it be our mother, best friend or significant other. But never do we actually appreciate how much they do for us. Those people I think are a repayment from God of the good karmic actions. 

I had a sleep over last night. I think at one point the discussion of weddings and babies came up. I was distracting myself by looking at an Aladdin book with one of the kids. How can I even think about  babies and marriage when I am no where on that boat? If I was on a boat, my boat would be no where near that boat! Of course they are at different levels and would never hold that against them. They were talking about things because they have gotten to that stage. But of course I was trying not to have an anxiety attack about it, about everything. My main focus is my career at the moment, and that's how it should be for me. Anything in relation to a guy is just a mere incidence of flirting and I am happy with that interaction, if any. For some reason I found it hard talking about just incidences(to flirting with a guy) of such to my friends at the sleep over. Like it wouldn't be taken seriously or maybe I just felt a slight sense disconnect from the group.  I guess because no one really asks, and I'm not going to sit there and talk about myself if I'm going to be cut off or not listened to. So I don't mind listening to the giggles and excitement as they speak about their plans, life, marriage and children,  if they ask me, I will speak. I think at one point this week I was so stressed: I was like fuck it. I just want to finish off what I'm at and just have children(no that's not going to happen LOL). Speaking of which, the doctor called me for results from an ultrasound I did a few weeks back. Bah. Another to do on that list. I think it's more the anxiety of wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Damn ovaries and possibly pituitary gland. Why can't you guys just coordinate and work properly? Maybe I should freeze my eggs, just in case. LOL seriously. 

lol

oh me? oh my!

I was talking to a friend the other day. Updated on my life & dealie-o. She responded with I was thinking the other day while I was watching Sex and the City that you would be Carrie Bradshaw. Say what? She went on to explain how I "put myself out there", have all these crazy stories that I've experienced with guys (no not sexual ones -_-) and have "fruitful" knowledge when it comes to relationships. Uhmm hmm...ugh...gee thanks? Wasn't sure if I was suppose to feel flattered that Carrier Bradshaw reminded her of me.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I've had my share of crazy experiences. From the weird Asian guy yelling arrribbbaaaaa! in my ear as we danced on the dance floor together to getting stood up at the movies. Shit happens, we all develop feelings for people and things just don't work out. What matters is moving on from that and becoming a wiser person from that situation. You also become aware of those who stick by you to help you pick up the pieces. I know it's much to early for one of those yearly look back reflections. But 2011 was very productive. As cheesy as it it is, I'm started to actually like myself and have become an overall stronger person. Yes, I have my bad days. But those bad days have now become significantly reduced and I don't allow problems to fester on for so long any more. It's when you develop that relationship with yourself and you become comfortable in your own skin ( no matter how discomforting the situation is) your confidence and outlook will help overcome any situation. It may seem simple to some. But for me it was and still is a working progress. When it comes to guys; the right one is out there somewhere but I'm happy with things the way they are. And I guess this new found feeling is almost surreal and even can be overly sappy and nauseating to some. Also, if I'm met to be alone for the rest of my life then I'll face and accept that when I come to that bridge.

lolololol had to add this picture. It was way to hilarious and I can see myself doing something like this. Honestly haha

exam

Final exam: Dec 13

Licensing exam: Jan 11

Physiological symptoms: twitching eye, hyperactive bowel sounds,irritability, palpitations noted when anxiety levels heighten and clenched jaw.

bahah

I said what I had to say. If I looked like a freak, oh well! ;)

Why This Kolaveri Di