ughghehfdshf one of those damn shifts that had me wondering why i became a fucking nurse and think about getting an arrange marriage to a rich asshole so i can be a stay at home mom. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh
on top of that i am sick. and it's sucking the life out of me to work and be sick.

rigggggggggggght

deleted twittttttttttttterrrr.

it's 3:30 am and I can't fucking sleep. My damn turtle is up due to my sudden onset of insomnia.
So a guy friend called me at 12 am we talked for an hr. Admist the conversation he said "man it's been so long since I had a conversation with a girl before I went to bed". I sat there in silence for a bit before realizing the awkward tension and letting out a laugh that sounded like a quack. I then brought up the topic of a girl he was interested in. He wanted to hang out since we both weren't going into work  but I said I was coming down with a cold and was going to stay home (Which is the truth, the climate change from my trip to vancouver is fucking with me). So he offered to come over to keep me company. Ugh..yah..no. Told him that wasn't a good idea since I got old folks at home that would freak and think their precious granddaughter is a hussy. Anyway, no biggie right?  


Looking forward to my soup, sleep and movies for the day. Afternoon I am going to a horse back riding lesson for 1 hr which I joined and then visiting my friend in the evening. :)

back

So vancouver was an amazing place to visit. I went with my brother. My initial plan was to go to Halifax on my own, upon expressing my plans to my brother and mom one day at lunch. My brother showed some interest. This prompted my mom to urge my brother to come along with him (for of course his experience and the perk of me not going alone). I loved it there and so did my brother . We contemplated on maybe moving here. Anyway, we did hiking (one particularly being a 5 hr hike to the top and bottom of Elk mountain), we went to the vancouver aquarium, whale watching and some shopping. The seafood there is of course fresh. Of course it's culture shock being in a place of dominantly white and east asian. Nevertheless people were friendly.
On my last day I decided to check the status of my offer at the final university to continue on my RN education. Yes I am a nurse but I think I wouldn't be content with myself until I am a nurse with a university degree. But I got rejected. It was weird because few days before as whale watching and just riding over the ocea and viewing the mountains, I realized how trivial these matters were. yes education and achieving our goals is important but when you gruel over things we miss out on the huge picture.  So then a part of me was content with doing the cardiology course, completing required hours and getting my nursing degree online through a university in alberta. And now with how the situation presents itself, that's what I am going to have to do. Initially I was devastated, i called my mom at work from vancouver and cried underneath the covers while my brother was showering. I don't know why  it hurt, but it did. Probably because I wanted it regardless of my  epiphinany  moment few days prior :p.
I think what it also was, was at one point i cared too much what people thought of me and my life. I pushed myself down because I was a college graduate and not a university. But regardless, of credentials at work and RPN (college graduate) and an RN (university graduate) do almost the same things.We have to endure the c.diff patient, the condescending remarks from the doctor or whatever issues that we come across. Of course with the status as an RN there are certain things an RN can do that an RPN cannot, like giving certain drugs. Anyway, back to my point, it was driving me insane that life was not going the way I wanted to. When I say insane I mean it. But then I got to the point where I was like who the fuck gives a shit? as long as I am happy and never give up on my dreams. I guess that was an inner fear of mine, what if I get to comfortable with the way life is that I give up on my goal to become an RN. However, if you want to succeed you got to want it as much as you want to breath (it was this video clip my bro showed me).
Then of course there is the aspect of relationships. Yes I have had my share of relationships, but to see a few of my friends getting married and my dad hinting in joking manner about arrange marriage i makes me wonder whats going on. I don't think I am ready to get married, not now.  I feel like I am far too young with so much yet to accomplish and experience prior to such a jump. I have   considered the option of dating but not so pushy on that because I am content with how my life flows now, either way it feels like I have met someone to peak my interest.
Anyway, Im off to an  optometrist appointment and maybe I can get some hot yoga into my schedule today.

nag

I complain and yet when the opportunity arises, I seem to not want it. Maybe it is the specific situation itself, and is justifiable. However,maybe I am okay with the way I want it and when an opportunity that is a more suitable fit, I'd rise to the occasion.

trips

As the dates approaches, I get a bit more nervous about preparation. I am excited but I don't want to go unprepared. Maybe I should make a list... -_-

bday

There are moments I literally want to rip my brother's head off. When we fight, it's quite a catastrophic explosion in our house hold. Despite his guy-ish tendency to be distant like any other guy, he care for me deeply. It's just I am more expressive and nurturing about it since I am after all his older sister. Nevertheless, there are moments my little brother steps past that role and acts as an older brother. Which is a great support to have. He's got a good head on his shoulder. He's more nonchalant and keeps to himself, while I am the eccentric, child-like meanderer. I guess what scares me is that he's growing up (he'll be 19 in less than a week), which legal allows him to drink. Now I am them last person to even restrict, judge or anything that prevents normal developmental experiences because I did some pretty messed up things that I doubt my brother would do. But I was the reckless one who made the mistakes which whom he learnt from. I know I should let him enjoy a drink, but I can't help but be worried. He told me all the details about the event. I simply said just keep it moderated and don't drive. Which prompted him to ask me to pick him up after his night out, which was obviously no issue at all for me. 

chocolate

Mom: The relatives from France got you a gift. (I open the bag to find perfume and chocolate)
Me: OMGGGGGGGGG!! TOLBORONE! Appapa (grandpa in Tamil)! Do you want two pieces or one piece?
Grandpa: Two! (breaks of two pieces for him and myself)
Mom: Between a box of chocolate and perfume, you seem more happy about a chocolate we can buy HERE. And now you two are both going to run around off of a sugar high.
Me(with a mouth full of chocolate): You make it seem like we're children

mhm

My god, I've got a crush on Suriya.  If I was on his Who Wants to be a Millionaire show, I'd just sit there giggling, staggeringly saying incoherent words.

work

I've got quite a few errands to run this morning, that and I have the evening shift at work. I really don't want to go into work. It's not that I hate it, it's I'm just lazy. I just want to go on a hike or go out. An quite frankly trying to sneak that in before work will be straining at the end of the day with work. Well we'll see. I'm getting fed up of just going to work and not doing anything else in my life. No other "hobbies". I'm beginning to feel isolated.
Shit, I have not worked out properly for the past few months and I hate it. I feel fat. I also want to start reading again but I can not seem to find a book that keeps me interested.
LOL so I had dream last night that I've lost my car. So here's my lame attempt to analyse the dream. A car is what you drive. Therefore I've lost my "drive"/motivation in life?

eyebrow

I have to get my eyebrows done. They are hairy. But of course I go every blue moon. AND everytime I go they screw it up and I swear I walk out with two different looking eyebrows.Of course I freak out for a bit and then reality hits and reminds me who gives a shit, as long as they are presentable. So now I'm a little anxious on whether the lady is going to screw up my eyebrows. Yes one would say go to another lady... I fail to do so. And plus she's $2.

it's been a while

this blog once used to be my salvage and escape. I've shifted over to tumblr but it's not like I express much there as I used to here. Any hardships and frustrations are expressed in a tumblr blog that requires a password that no one else knows. For the past few months I was so frustrated, frantically trying to grasp control of my life. But low and behold, one cannot do that; certain things we don't have control over and that's a sad reality I know but fail to accept.
The guy I wrote about was someone significant from my past, which is why I trusted him. However, he had ended things saying he was confused and needed to make amends with his ex (and I quote in a non romantic manner) so he can move forward in his life. But of course, a month or two after his facebook status changed to In a Relationship with a surplus of photos of them two cuddling. Yeah, he's a fucking asshole. But  I look now and say good riddance. I'm happy with the way things worked out but am bitter about the betrayal because I trusted him.
Anyway, life goes on. After that I tried to grasp at the fact that I was not able to get into a university to finish off my nursing education. I felt so stupid. Also, the fact that at work three new grad's (including myself) started a position at the hospital. The other two got permanent positions. Whereas, I was still reqiured to continue on the contract. What upset me was I did my 3 month semester which was basically pre-grad/ consolidation. So my manager knows me, I've been here longer than the other two. So why is it that they got the position and I didn't? Was it a reflection of my performance? I asked my manager that and she said no. I just couldn't help but feel inadequate.
But then came a breaking point where I was like fuck it, fuck everyone and fuck everything. I just stopped giving a shit. Oh I'm not going to get into uni? okay fine. Oh, you still don't want to give me a permanent part time postion? Fine I'll continue to fucking work full time hours and save up. My manager said I'd eventually start part time.
As far as boys and relationships go, it has finally gotten to that point they don't phase me. I just don't bother.  I'm happy on my own. I don't want a relationship and I'm content with focusing on my career and furthering my knowledge for it Things are good the way they are, why stir the pot?

maybe...

i will feel better after i start working at the hospital.

avoidance

We all have certain perspectives, values and habits that we've built and developed over the years. They are dynamic and change over time and through experiences. Sometimes you come across a certain thing with someone that makes you wonder, is it really all worth it? Certain things I can meet half way. Maybe I have to get used to being in this whole relationship stuff again. Quite honestly I got comfortable not having to worry about anyone else (and the drama that entails them, no offence to him). It's selfish but it's true. Im beginning to wonder; okay is it worth getting into a relationship with this guy if I might get hurt, if we fight all the time, if we become unhappy, if I get overly attached? I know I am thinking way too much into this... but I think I have a justifiable reason. I've been hurt, and don't want it happening again. its quite astonishing to see how much I am resisting. I am quite conflicted, best to take my time. If this guy is worth it, he'll wait around when I am ready. otherwise he's free to do whatever and whoever. =\

ooo

lace panties

power struggles

okay lets see if i can get everything out here. So i told him about how i feel. In regards to my feelings, my anxieties and fears. It took an overwhelming about of emotional capacity to express it. Only to get responses, but not things that I wanted to hear. I told him it bugged me bc hear I am saying crap and you are giving me frank responses. He explained about his consumption with school and apologized. I felt like a needy moron. And i guess that got me to pull back. 
The irony is I struggled so much to be on my own after getting out of a relationship, that I seem to face similar displeasures in letting him in to my life. Like I mentioned I have trust issues. I also think of the worst possible things. I also noticed what an ego/pride issue I have. I guess what I am coming at is I never saw myself as one to have walls built up and ego problems. 
It's all very conflicting because I like my walls. However, I also have feelings for this guy and am considering pursuing a relationship. It's just I don't feel ready. What's sort of frustrating is most of my close friends know about him. I can count 6 people. Of the six, 5 of them have said positive stuff about him. And it's great. Nothing better to hear these words from the people that matter the most. It's just when you hear "he's a good guy and he's actually the first guy I trust in your life"; you can't help but be taken aback. I wonder to myself, how is it so simple for people to be so accepting, when I can't? But I guess there's a  big difference. It's my life. But I am not ready and of course I am aware that is truly what is important. I know simply that I might be working myself up, that I should go with the flow and let time work its magic. Which is the right decision, taking your time. That way we can actually figure out our issues, flaws and actually get to know each other.
I don't want to rush into things. I feel as if it is because we started only talking like a month ago. But what keeps slipping my mind was how close we were before we lost touch. 
The other day, he had an exam. He said he'd call me up once he was done. He went in to write it at 2. It was almost 6 and I still haven't heard from him. I was wondering to myself how an exam was 4 hrs. My licensing exam wasn't even that long. I guess I kind of got worried, given his situation.  So he calls and it goes like this:
Him: where are you?
Me: I am at XYZ house (we had a dance practice for my friend's proposal)
Him: okay so where is that?
Me: Huh? 
Him: WHERE DOES XYZ LIVE?
Me: He lives in ABC(at this point my tone has turned aggressive because it seemed like he was hounding me  for my whereabouts). Where are You? 
Him: I'm at STC.
Me: you came down?!


Yup, he came... to surprise me...for valentine's day. :S  What baffled me is how quickly I jumped the gun and assumed the worst, in the sense his questions were being asked because was suspicious and distrustful. I literally tensed up. I never realized how much of an impact my ex had on me, until now. I guess I just need time to feel ready to get into this. 


another things I fear is losing myself. My independence. I don't want to get overly attached that I forget what I want to do and those that are important to me. I don't want to be overly engrossed like I was before. I want to maintain doing my own thing. Yes, he is a great guy but I don't want it to be to the point where I am way to available for him that I am taken for granted. That, and I should just maintain my own self. I know I know I sound so pathetic. But I cringe at the thought of expressing all these details to anyone else and hearing myself do it, so I am just venting away on this. Hoping that maybe my thoughts would sort of settle.


I like this guy alot. I can spew on and on AND ON about all the things that make him "like-able", but quite frankly I don't think it does it justice. I went to my friends house today and we watched the Women. At one point a character said "if at one point you don't know what to do, don't do anything." 


The bright side, my brother is coming home tomorrow. So it would be nice to vent and get his perspective. 

ugh

i think i am falling for him more than i should. my friend was right, the more you hold back and resist the deeper you fall. :S stupidness...I just need to have a fine balance of things.

can't

i don't think i can do it. it's not even trust issues... but also insecurity. i guess it goes beyond it...probably does. but i can't... i mean why put a strenuous effort when it should come naturally? here i am trying and forcing myself. Like I have the sense of well being and confidence in myself, so wait scratch that , it's not insecurity. maybe it's trust issues. 

acceptance

It  is too bad that I am sick and it's cold outside. I'd really like to go on a hike and just clear my thoughts. I guess I can bundle up? But I should let this cold pass. 

what is wrong with me?

I swear I was sick a couple of weeks ago. 

Anyway, at this point I am just waiting for the exam results. It's funny how much of a domino effect it plays in two important aspect of my life. I am to take my grandparents to the doctors today. 

Met up with friends last night for a practice. Pretty productive. I hope she likes it. Afterwards, we sat at Wendy' ate lunch and talked about life. It was one of those moments where you just get so involved in a conversation you forget that there are other around probably listening to you. 

It's weird actually it's quite simple. I like him. He likes me. We have a potential of making something happen. But I have boarded up these walls. Of course some situations I can be myself, and entrust him when I confide in him about my worries. Nevertheless, when it comes to letting go and falling back; I am ever so reluctance. I can't let what happened in the past predict the future. I have to take the facts as they are now. You keep your experience from the past as a lesson. But I guess I shouldn't be letting it controlling me. 

An awkward conversation came up between him and I the other day. Sometimes it seems we are on the same page and sometimes we aren't. I'd have an anxiety attack and push him away. Never thought I was one to do that. Never. Anyway, the conversation, it prompted me to wonder: are we moving too fast? too slow? Sometimes I think it's all way too fast but then at times I enjoy the pace we are going at. What is there really to get to know about him, because I've known him from before. But then again things have changed, we have changed. I'm not taking him for granted but  I guess if he really has "feelings" for me -_- he will wait until I am ready. 

making something out of nothing

I'm effin shit scared for this interview. Woke up this morning to a sore body from the work out. So the side effects from the pills had be scarping down anything I craved. The first week was bad but today, woke up feeling not so bad. I'm scared to weigh myself seriously. 

I think  I am trying to figure out school and the nursing stuff. I don't really think I am ready. For Gods sake last night I had a dream I was getting high an partyin' it up. And of course that's not the life I want nor is mine like that. But I guess it' about a sense of freedom. I think just because due to past experiences I equate romantic relationships either (1) superficial and phoney BS or (2) restrictions, restrictions and restrictions. And yes, I am aware just because one guy in your life was a complete douche doesn't mean they all are.  I never realized the walls I had up as chessey as it sounds. And a part of me doesn't want to take them down. I like them how they are. I know that I may be risking the loss of something meaningful, nevertheless these kind of situations need certainty. I understand I've been so inconsistent. Never in my life am I indecisive so it's almost a conundrum. There's no rush. It's just a matter of not toying with people's emotions or taking it for granted at the cost of my confusion. 

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up (Tyler Ward Cover) - Music Video

ugh

trying not to freak out...

what a disgusting chest cold

It started off as a dry cough but has progressed to phlegm and congesting in what seems like my chest. Either way it's fucking draining every bit of energy out of me. I need to finish my cover letters and apply for jobs. I miss nursing. I really miss it. I feel so incompetent sitting at home and not doing anything. Even though loafting does seem a it relaxing, I need to get my shit together. I've been putting this aside for far too long, but I guess it doesn't help with this fucking disgusting cold.

quite accurate

mmmmhm

paper bag princess

Thank you Robert; for giving young girls a well advance warning how douchey guys can be despite how much one tries to help them out. 

"Elizabeth, you are a mess!  You smell like 
ashes, your hair is all tangled and you are wearing a dirty old paper bag.  Come back when you are dressed like a real princess."

"Ronald," said Elizabeth, "your clothes are really pretty and your hair is very neat.  You look like a real prince, but you are a bum."

They didn't get married after all.

-The Paper Bag Princess, Robert N. Munsch

Bombay Bicycle Club - Lights Out, Words Gone

"Once again, she felt that life was not treating her as it treated other people: it gave her every chance to achieve something, and just when she was close to her objective, the ground opened up and swallowed her. That's how it had been with her studies, with her boyfriends, with certain dreams she had never shared with anyone."

-Brida, Paulo Coelho, p. 36-37

oh crap

The awkward moment you realize you were flirting as you walk off wondering what the doucherey am I doing? And you tell yourself, Pull it together soldier!

shuffle

It's weird that both Bombay Bicycle Club and Tokyo Police Club both end in "club" and begin with a name of a location in this world. Weeeeeeeeeeird! Either way, good music. Makes me want to dance. Their music actually cheers me up.

I am reading Brida by Paulo Coelho. I mean the Alchemist was arright. I think I didn't totally appreciate it because I prolonged finishing it.

I'm studying today. Just finished a few chapters.  Wish I was in for the RN program *sigh*, but going to worry about that after my licensing exam, same goes for finding work. I want to move. Live somewhere else and study. Wished there was more bridging programs for RPNS to RN in Ontario. 

My friend is getting engaged this year. She's planning out her engagement party, damn what a milestone. All I want is to get into a RN program. 

oh boy

On New Years I sat with my nephews( ages 4 and 2). The two year old screamed elephant in Tamil (yanai); I swear it's like the only word he knows but he loves them. Tamil elephant cartoons is the only thing he let us watch. And of course our house was a gold mine because my mom also loves elephants and has up all these statues of elephants. Kind of eerie now that I think about it, walking into our house in the dark and all you see are elephants. I tried picking up my 4 month old niece, but damn baby got a larynx that a opera singer would envy. She kept crying and crying; and I kept walking around going ahhhhh! what do I do? what do I do? Everyone stared at me like -_- but yeah she wouldn't stop crying so I handed her back to the father bahahah :) 

So I showed my older nephew a video on the planets and then said:

when I was your age pluto was a planet. 

I feel old. 

weirdest shit happened to me today, but I am not trying to think much of it. I have a tendency to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill. But I guess it's so fucking weird running (haha literally, okay NOT that literally) after so long. So many flashbacks of back then... weird. 

secret confession

I watch solider reunions with their families on youtube and bawl my eyes out.

roots

Happy New Year!