awkward

I was up for 4:30 am mind you I went to bed at 9:00 pm so I'm not some sort of trooper. :P By the time I got ready and got to school it was 5:30 am. I went to open the door, it was locked. LOL I was locked out of my own school?! :S Thankfully, there was a caretaker there so I knocked on the door and she let me in. I don't feel ready for this test this morning. I'm just reviewing everything over and over again. Can't wait to go home, sleep and come back for lab. Looking forward to Lab because it's on injections. Now I can finally be taught to stab those who have pissed me off with dangerous chemicals. haha kidding...*shifty eyes*...no seriously I'm kidding. Gosh I don't want this being used against me in court.
There are two students here practising for Health Assessment, oh how much I miss Health assessment. Ok no I don't, just makes me sound wise and old. I don't mind theory 2 and HA but I wasn't the biggest fan of HA. These students seem pretty knowledgeable about what they are doing though. Hmm, I hust think they are over-stressing it but we all do it.
The lab exam yesterday was dreadfully long. Well this week has been an agonizing long week. I want it to be over. Hmm I guess I've figured some things out about myself within these past few days. Well, don't think I'll be going into Sick Kids tommorow. I want a day off. Gosh my bowel movements have been so inconsistent for the past week. It's annoying how it's so sensitive to stress. At one point at the hospital:
Me: Okay why don't we finish up your prune juice.
Patient: No I don't want to.
Me: Why not?
Patient: The moment I drink that I'll need to go!
Me: *thinks to myself* maybe I should have some of that.

I never knew prunes were shriveled up plums. It's kind of like Raisins are dried up grapes. hehe Ye I'm kind of out of it to find trivial matters like this interesting.

The 6 month mark point

When I got out of my first serious relationship, I was single for a good 6 months. That very year in december I met my recent ex. Looking back I'm thinking to myself Six months after a ~3 years relationship I got back into a serious relationship!? Mind you within that 6 month period I had my messed up relation with a guy friend of mine. So I never really had that time for myself. Well I did not want history to repeat itself. Hence today marks the 6 month mark point , I'm not in a relationship. Which of course only makes sense and also may be silly and trivial to readers, I can't see myself doing that right now. I think the best words to decribe it is I'm emotionally exhuasted. And for those of you who are close to me know after last night I think I'm just going to back off in general. Last night was more of a reality check to always go with your gut feelings, instincts and that there's nothing wrong with having your guards up. It was also a severe bruise to my ego and an attack to my pride. I think that's majority of reason for my anger and embarrassement.
There are some achievements I wish I could have accomplished within this year(regarding school) but I guess time will come for those. As I look back, not only did I realize what fucked up shit I put myself in but also I really can write a tell all book. Seriously, it would be a good read! lol. I think regardless of everything that's happened; I'm proud that I've gotten past it all. I can say with 100% I am over my ex. I can say with respect, that my first bf was a good guy to have the decency to apologize for his share of shit. I can now say I'm seriously done wondering about this crap and do my own shit and follow my own rules. I don't care if I have trust issues, I'm happy with them. They will be my own protective bubble and any guy who can get past those issues is truly worth it. I don't mind the whole dating scene but I think my judgement has learned a lesson. I'm exasperrated. I've got other things on my mind like school and let's just focus on that and enjoying my time with my wonderful friends.
One thing I am definately proud of is, I went from weighing in the ~140s to ~120s!(damn a break up can really make you gain weight! lol :|) I told my brother and he goes Finally...you weigh less than me! I called him a douche bag and walked off feeling totally awesome about my persistence and hardwork finally paying off. I'm content with my life, blessed with the crazy family I love and grateful for my supportive friends. I know where I'm going and I adore this stability. So that being sad, I don't want a new person that I don't trust and disturbing that balance. I wonder to myself what's going to happen to me when it comes to a relationship, not that I see it anytime soon and I know its ridiculous for me to wonder that. I do know for a fact I need time (alot of it) for myself but I guess these question pop up here and there when I think about the future.
Ah well I've got better things to worry about then the future LOL. Like my simulation lab this wednesday and my final test for Theory 2 this thursday that I need to kick ass in. I set up a goal for loosing weight for my birthday. I'm not pushing it on myself but it would be a bonus if I achieve it. But like I said I've exams and school to worry about so If I loose the weight I'd be proud of myself. I also think the stress with clinicals and school helped with the weight loss. My clinicals teacher looked at me and was like you lost weight. I responded saying "yeah I'm trying to." She was like "I thought it may have been the stress with school" and I'm like "haha..I think that was a reinforcement" I remember arguing with him a while back and he was like "I see you're going to the gym now, so you can check out guys and look good for them eh" (not word for word but along those lines). No this was not for me to check out guys, this was not for me to look good for guys or to get comments from others, this was purely for myself, because after all the crap and shit I felt after the break up I deserve to feel this good about myself now.

realization

Adele gets the news that she is borderline for Alzheimer's disease. It's heart-wrenching watching this...

well...

Today was a slow and meh kind of day. I worked my ass off for this care plan and I got a 56%. Everyone complained of the low marks. This girl even said to the teacher straight up that she marks too hard in front of the whole class. I'm just exasperated. This was the first time I got such a mark at this school so it was just ugh. Well turns out I wasn't the only one. My partner ended up dropping out this semester and is returning september because the courses will not be available until then. Aww I was so sad because we literally had each others back at clinicals. Our whole group was trying to convince her to stay. So getting the mark was a reality check to actually get my shit together and work my ass off for the final test next week. Im sitting here with the game playing in the back ground as I prepare my review for the test. At the same time I'm so out of it because I just want to sleep.

B4-4 Get Down (The Video!)

LMAO oh my GOODNESS. I never realized how dirty this song was growing up. HAHAHAHAAH holy shit and they look so creepy!
And why is the little guy in the video? It just makes it much more akward. HAHAHAHA

just a thought

I realized the word manipulate begins with the word MAN. hmm just sayin'....

;)

Chromeo - Night By Night

oh my this makes me feel so naughty ..hehehe

i had to blog this

"Making a weird face at your best friend until they notice. "
LOL yup sounds like us...

ever wonder..

how a turtle looks when he's sleeping?...

Jojo's new home

So Jojo's tank cracked to the point water was dribbling out and soaking my carpet. For the past two nights he's been staying in a bucket or wandering my room.



Lol I was laying there on the ground going through the photos on my camera when I turned around to look for him and to my surprise he was right by me. hehe
So I went out and got his tank today. I checked a couple of value village stores to see if they were selling them used but nothing. My brother also checked online for me but I ended up getting a better deal at Big Al's . I open up the cardboard box and instead of inspecting the actual tank Jojo climbs over the box and was amused by that instead. Typical three year old for you =P LOL and now he's gone from fighting with his reflection in the mirror to trying to get out of the door which is like 50X time taller than him :P haha he's amusing. Well I should stop sitting on my ass and go put together his new home.

im a psycho bitch..and what?

Dear Tamil lady who I don't know but supposingly knew me when I was a baby ,
Nursing is highly regarded profession... and I will keep your narrow-minded comments in mind if I ever have to give you an enema in the future. thank you=]

bah I'm tired of this stupid assumption in many South Asian(and many other) cultures that studying Life Science is like God sent. Where would those doctors be without those nurses? But whats more annoying is I don't even know her so I'm standing there wondering who are you? mhm yah not going to waste my breath explaining it to pretentious people who think they are so well-adapted to Canadian living and basically think they are the shit. You can just suck my invisible dick.

Okay I'm done good day :)

trying to dig myself out of the piles of work

Even a day was not enough to catch up with the work. Still have notes, questions and case studies to catch up on. I thought this one day will suffice but from the looks of it I'm going to have to pan it out for the entire week. Lovely I guess I was over estimating my abilities. Well atleast I'm doing it now and not close the final test for this course.

truth is...

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

- Elizabeth Glibert (Eat, Pray, Love)

escaping reality

"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."
-Albus Dumbledore, Goblet of Fire

Relapse

What's with all these confused and mixed emotions?
I lay in bed awake thinking about him. Prying through every memory to re-collect the last moment we were happy. I can't remember it. The only memory I can re-call was in the summer. We were walking in a park it was one of those scorching summer days. I had managed to scare him by fooling him there was a bug on him. When he realized I tricked him, he picked me up and put me over his shoulder! I laughed so hard from the bottom of my stomach and there was this odler couple approach from behind us. He put me down and we continuted to laugh some more. I miss his hugs, his distinct aroma and the way his stubble felt on my lips.
But I guess that's where it all ends. This was just Once Upon A Time. And well, times have changed.
This is peculiar because I haven't felt this way in a long time. So why now? I miss his hugs. I remember after we broke up, I kept what was going on to myself and didn't really tell anyone about what was going on. I was speaking to a counsellor but beyond that all I really needed was a heart-filled hug to just give me that comfort.
I feel silly for writing this but just had to get it out. Maybe I'm just doped up on my cold medication. =\ haha I kid. All I can say like Tupac said "Things'll never be the same. That's just the way it is"
There's been so much damage done that nothing can ever re-grow from what's left.

a mother & her child

A cried like a baby watching this...regardless of the fact it was not my first time seeing this.
Well, even the more mere translation will not measure up to what happened. This guy has been performing and never has his mother come to his performances due to her illness. So for this perfomance in which he dedicated this song to his mother which is about mothers, they surprised him. And well I guess this dramatic sound effects and people in audience can effect a person.

Life

Well I'm sick. It's a horrible cold that has sucked all the energy out of me. I tried studying but it was really hard comprehending everything under this state. I just signed the consent form for Trillium Gift of Life Organ and Tissue Donor. A part of me was hesitent because what if I was in a critical state in the hospital, will health care professionals do everything it takes to maintain my health or will they neglect the quality of care because my body can save up 8 other lives? I know it's such a silly question but one can't help but wonder. I spoke to my mother about it and I still need to let my dad know too (well my mother wants me to tell him). She didn't want me donating my eyes but hey that would help someone out! I've thought about Organ and Tissue especially since last semester when we started talking about living wills and organ transplants. Well I don't know what has gotten into me but I also was considering blood donations. Admist that thought, as I signed onto my school account they were informing students about blood donations going on at my school next week. I'm also considering that too! Anyways what prompted the action today was watching this video on Ellen.
So I realized like two weeks after my reading week I've got a whole bunch of shit starting up. From a final test, care plan and a bunch of other stuff. I really wanted to get ahead on my work and even review. I've also got my Portfolio to work on and I seriously can't even fathom taking on any of this just because of the body fatigue. I was thinking today after coming close to alot of human waste (feces and urine) due to clinicals you can't look at certain foods the same again like soup or curry. ugh..yum? =\
Oh and the song above...beautiful. :) haha I think all these sappy repitive generic romantic comedies are getting to me. I remember talking about this with my best friend about this whole love thing. Was what we have with those from our past who we came to "love", was that really love? Because if it really was wouldn't it have lasted and survived whatever turmoil thrown their way? Also, wouldn't there be less angst and pain in the split? If you really loved someone and were hurt by it wouldn't you accept their decision despite the betrayal you feel and let them lead on a life that makes them happy? Is love in our generations becoming conditional?
I mean my perspective is bias seeing that I can only refer to two serious long-term relationships from my past. Both of which ended messy and were pretty dysfunctional. I realized that I played a part in the relationship fucking up. But that's the hard part how do you change that about yourself? You seem so convinced that you weren't at fault but how do you change that flaw? How do you differentiate that you aren't at fault and you had a right to be angry?

;)

All my life I've been good but now, woah,
I'm thinking what the hell

Katy Perry - ET - Tyler Ward - Official Acoustic Cover Music Video - Fea...

My goodness his voice is beautiful :)
I feel like music videos are slowly become like this infectious bacterial breeding ground for marketing ploys. I'm up early watching the video for Jennifer Lopez new song, from what I watched so far I saw them flash BMW, Swarvoski and Crown Royal. If you watched Britney Spears new video it's the same thing! Before it used to be subtle. Now it's so blantly obvious that it gives of such a cheap image to such recognized singers such as the two above. On another note, Jlos as hottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt :) just sayin'......

Reading Week

jammin' to this song because... it sets the mood. =]
Well really haven't hit me yet because its the weekend so during the week it will actually feel great to be home :) So i just woke from a nap and I should clean up my room. LOL I don't know when exactly I'd get started on the studying but i've got a significant amount to do. Also review the basics for my theory final test before the exam. =\
It feels good to have time off and just do about nothing. Relax!! When you are going with the hustle and bustle you tend to neglect that time for yourself, the simplest things to just stop and breath or EVEN EAT we forget to do. I was talking to my friend and a nurse was sitting at the nursing station with us. I complained how my new patient has something citical to say for everything I do. The nurse said sometimes when thay are being rude to you or are in a foul mood, just find the time to excuse yourself. We then continuted to speak and I told her how my first patient on the other hand was sweet and how difficult it was for me to adjust to the setting with seeing actual people who have succumb to such neurological degenrative diseases. She said sometimes these patients have diseases and heart breakings stories but you gotta learn not to take these diseases with you. I also remember telling my friend something along the same line. He was like you can't let that get to you because you don't want to grow to dislike the career. It doesn't get to me to the point that it's intrusive...but I guess it's just a new found respect for the elderly. I realized despite that they are old or ill they are people!
These patients have been through some crazy shit and on top of that they've served in the war. There was this one patient that sticks out to me the most. When you meet him he's the most cheerful and joking man. He's so sweet and always smiling. Turns out this man was in jail for four years! Why because he didn't pay spousal support. His wife left him because he gambled away all their money. The children obviously now don't want anything to do with him. He said "I look back and I totally regret what I did. When I see families come to visit the others I feel like an outcast because now there's no one hear for me." We then realized his charm and humour were a front and that deep down this man was hurting and just needed some company. My teacehr told us, sometimes we just have to sit there and speak to our clients and show them such appreciation becase regardless of their diagnoses they are people. Nurses tend to forget that and as students we develop such habits as well because we want to get whatever schedhule procedure done on time. She said no take your time when your talking to them. Don't get caught up with the nurses on the floor and their routine. You take your time, speak to them and give them care appropiately. Anyways he was taking down food to feed the birds and when asked where he was going he replied: "Who's going to look after the birds? I am! no one cares to stop feed the birds so I have to do it." Such a sweet man.
Everyone has a past and everyone goes through some personal turmoil. It's unfortunate for some that they have to die without having such issues unresolved. Nevertheless, there's only so much one can do.
Well hopefully I get down to the park and feed the birds myself(because the last time I went the birds were there but I had no food) and maybe go for a walk at the beach. It's going to be great :)

well I assumed wrong...

I thought that maybe going to bed at 4:30 am and waking up at 6:00 am, the likely reaction I'd do is collapse in bed and knock out. Oh the contrary. I watched two episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Laid in bed and couldn't fall asleep. So I started on the finishing touches of the Care Plan.
My patient drove me crazy today! But now I know how he's paticular about certain things I can provide his care accordingly. Like I mentioned he had hematuria yesterday and so today there wasn't any in his urine. Yay! But the urine had this strong disgusting smell. Once again it reminded me of those awful days having a UTI. Today was just a stressful day for us on the unit in general. I guess because everyone was administering medication. My partner ended up breaking down because my teacher drilled her with medications. People were just out of it. But once we got to post-conference. We talked about the funny things patients do and we all laughed so hard that it made that stressful morning seem like nothing. It was good...it was the first time we did that..and well it was good. Much needed!
I really want to sleep. I really really do! I have a returned demo, lab presentation, medication calculation quiz and this care plan tommorow. So regardless of how much I lay in bed, there is no way I'm falling asleep. Thankfully the lab presentation is group work and we have like a 4 hour break so my group is going to meet and work on it! As for the returned demo....well I did the wound cleaning today at clinicals so my teacher saw me. I'll revise just in case she does want me to do the returned demo. LOL as for the medication calculation quiz..yeah I'm not ready. I got the concept of it, it's just I'll probably practice a few questions tonight.
Okay let's finish this baby off! avada kedavra haha if only it was that easy! Can't wait to read harry potter during the break :)

oh god

lol I know the updates to my blog look really fucked up.
I fell asleep for 3 hours...yeah so much for nap. They consume a huge chunk of your day and your sleep so sleepy and groggy after.
Now It's time to work on this care plan again. UGH save me suaze! save me!
LOL I don't know why I said Suaze..Suaze is the name of my cousin's cat. =\

Push through it

Just a few more days and I get my reading week! An overwhelmed feeling hit me though that it was already March. Next thing you know it's April and with a blink of an eye we've got exams. I know it's insane. I'm working on this dreadful Nursing Care Plan. I went downstairs for food twice yesterday on seperate occassions. Both my grandfather and mother asked me if I was sick/ what's wrong?/are you on your period? I guess the stress was getting to me. So today I'm just going to chill for a bit and get back to working on it, probably going to bed late tonight...
Today I rotated to a new quad. I was initially supposed to be on quad #4 (but my teacher moved me because the nurse there was just plain awful) Tuesdays we don't provide nursing care but assist the nurses with their care. Wednesdays is when we actually take care of our patients. It's different but we're there to learn and assist, not take on your patients. This one particular nurse was being a total witch (you know what word I really mean) about it. She's like "so they are here to watch again?". My teacher responds "no they're here to assist" Then the nurse mumbles under her breath "we don't need assistance." Like seriously it was so unprofessional, especially in front of us the students and your co-workers. We aren't just here TO ASSIST we are also here to frikken learn and if your going to act like you have something shoved up where the sun don't shine, pull it out and take good look at yourself. Your a fuckin nurse and part of your job is to teach ESPECIALLY if your quad/hospital takes on such programs. During those tuesdays where we "assist" the nurses teach us care for all the patients in the quad that way we get a variety of experience. That's just how our school works.
Anyways my patient so far from my first encounter is okay. He's very adament on taking care of himself. He's got a past history for murmurs (don't know how it is now), hypertension, mild dementia, stroke and has got some complications with his prostate and urin elimination. So it would be interesting learning about the cardio stuff seeing that I've always found it challenging. He had hematuria(blood in the urine), so he had a catheter in him. Now I've had UTIs where there was blood/blood clots in my urine. But seeing it on a patient made me feel queasy. I wasn't even that grossed out by the feces but the hematuria was bah. I think it's because I personally know how painful that is(well not the catheter part). It's just a little flustering getting a handle of a new patient and giving the care. After morning care he's pretty much chilled and on his own. There's not feeding necessary for him and he usually does most of his stuff himself. It's just different from having a patient(my previous patient) who was dependent on a nurse to shower, feed etc. and to go to a patient who can do most of the stuff himself.
Bah just can't wait until this week is over with. Care plan due on thursday, a presentaion for lab on thursday and I also need to do my lab test on thursday since I didn't go in for lab last week. ARHJGHSJFADNDslkahfjshsa!! Well I think I'm going to take a nap, despite the ample amount of work I have, because I'm sleepy!