making something out of nothing

I'm effin shit scared for this interview. Woke up this morning to a sore body from the work out. So the side effects from the pills had be scarping down anything I craved. The first week was bad but today, woke up feeling not so bad. I'm scared to weigh myself seriously. 

I think  I am trying to figure out school and the nursing stuff. I don't really think I am ready. For Gods sake last night I had a dream I was getting high an partyin' it up. And of course that's not the life I want nor is mine like that. But I guess it' about a sense of freedom. I think just because due to past experiences I equate romantic relationships either (1) superficial and phoney BS or (2) restrictions, restrictions and restrictions. And yes, I am aware just because one guy in your life was a complete douche doesn't mean they all are.  I never realized the walls I had up as chessey as it sounds. And a part of me doesn't want to take them down. I like them how they are. I know that I may be risking the loss of something meaningful, nevertheless these kind of situations need certainty. I understand I've been so inconsistent. Never in my life am I indecisive so it's almost a conundrum. There's no rush. It's just a matter of not toying with people's emotions or taking it for granted at the cost of my confusion. 

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up (Tyler Ward Cover) - Music Video

ugh

trying not to freak out...

what a disgusting chest cold

It started off as a dry cough but has progressed to phlegm and congesting in what seems like my chest. Either way it's fucking draining every bit of energy out of me. I need to finish my cover letters and apply for jobs. I miss nursing. I really miss it. I feel so incompetent sitting at home and not doing anything. Even though loafting does seem a it relaxing, I need to get my shit together. I've been putting this aside for far too long, but I guess it doesn't help with this fucking disgusting cold.

quite accurate

mmmmhm

paper bag princess

Thank you Robert; for giving young girls a well advance warning how douchey guys can be despite how much one tries to help them out. 

"Elizabeth, you are a mess!  You smell like 
ashes, your hair is all tangled and you are wearing a dirty old paper bag.  Come back when you are dressed like a real princess."

"Ronald," said Elizabeth, "your clothes are really pretty and your hair is very neat.  You look like a real prince, but you are a bum."

They didn't get married after all.

-The Paper Bag Princess, Robert N. Munsch

Bombay Bicycle Club - Lights Out, Words Gone

"Once again, she felt that life was not treating her as it treated other people: it gave her every chance to achieve something, and just when she was close to her objective, the ground opened up and swallowed her. That's how it had been with her studies, with her boyfriends, with certain dreams she had never shared with anyone."

-Brida, Paulo Coelho, p. 36-37

oh crap

The awkward moment you realize you were flirting as you walk off wondering what the doucherey am I doing? And you tell yourself, Pull it together soldier!

shuffle

It's weird that both Bombay Bicycle Club and Tokyo Police Club both end in "club" and begin with a name of a location in this world. Weeeeeeeeeeird! Either way, good music. Makes me want to dance. Their music actually cheers me up.

I am reading Brida by Paulo Coelho. I mean the Alchemist was arright. I think I didn't totally appreciate it because I prolonged finishing it.

I'm studying today. Just finished a few chapters.  Wish I was in for the RN program *sigh*, but going to worry about that after my licensing exam, same goes for finding work. I want to move. Live somewhere else and study. Wished there was more bridging programs for RPNS to RN in Ontario. 

My friend is getting engaged this year. She's planning out her engagement party, damn what a milestone. All I want is to get into a RN program. 

oh boy

On New Years I sat with my nephews( ages 4 and 2). The two year old screamed elephant in Tamil (yanai); I swear it's like the only word he knows but he loves them. Tamil elephant cartoons is the only thing he let us watch. And of course our house was a gold mine because my mom also loves elephants and has up all these statues of elephants. Kind of eerie now that I think about it, walking into our house in the dark and all you see are elephants. I tried picking up my 4 month old niece, but damn baby got a larynx that a opera singer would envy. She kept crying and crying; and I kept walking around going ahhhhh! what do I do? what do I do? Everyone stared at me like -_- but yeah she wouldn't stop crying so I handed her back to the father bahahah :) 

So I showed my older nephew a video on the planets and then said:

when I was your age pluto was a planet. 

I feel old. 

weirdest shit happened to me today, but I am not trying to think much of it. I have a tendency to sometimes make a mountain out of a molehill. But I guess it's so fucking weird running (haha literally, okay NOT that literally) after so long. So many flashbacks of back then... weird. 

secret confession

I watch solider reunions with their families on youtube and bawl my eyes out.

roots

Happy New Year!