This semester is just on constant fast forward. I feel like no matter how much I try to be one step ahead I fall behind 3 steps. Im nervous for my patho test next week. I really need to pull myself together. So after getting my new driver's license with the updated photo, it has become the object of my motivation. Seriously no lie... no exaggerration. I look at the photo to remind myself to do the best for myself. Ever since saturday I've seriously limited on what and how much I eat. Jojo looks so cute when he yawns. I weighed myself at the gym today because the on at home is off and I've lost weight! Anyways I should go do my readings for patho.. I have alot for this week.
So I was sitting in my backyard. You know getting my vitamin D on to help my calcium absorption that way I can avoid osteoporosis..and well I noticed something how dry our grass was in the backyard. EXCEPT for this one patch of green grass and then I realized I threw a bucket full of water that jojo was in which contained his poopoo. His poo came to use..:)
after a really stressful day you really don't feel guilty for lying in bed watching tv... i really despise fridays because i have a two theory class in the morning and then a professional growth class (another two hours) and then a one hour break followed by a three hour pathophysiology class by a teacher who makes you want to bang your head on the desk repeatedly. Mind you I did NOT get my one hour break more like 15 minutes since I had to meet up with my group…those 15 minutes I used to buy this artery clogging delicious cheesy plaque filled (you know like jelly filled) VEGGIE pizza, devoured it, ran to a computer print out notes that my friend gave me and rush off to class. THUS ME TIME WAS WELL DESERVED TODAY… just watching tv, no homework, no worrying about school, no worrying about anyone and no talking to anyone. I know it seems selfish but sometimes I just love alone time. Working out at the gym or exercising is not “alone time” or “me time” for me it’s “increase your longevity so I can see my great grand babies and avoid as much pain as I can” time. Now, now working out do has some perks.. you know that pumped rejuvenated feeling you get but that’s where it stops.
I could have exercised today but I didn’t I was just pooped. I woke up late today too and on top of that I forgot I had an in class assignment…THANK GOD I did my readings though. I need to get better organized in a sense that I should utilize my calendar and agenda again. I used to first semester but I started neglecting them since summer hit.
So I have another group assignment and it’s really getting annoying. I guess I’m not used to working with people and some people just come off as FUCKIN ANNOYING like my god I want to scream at you. Sometimes I remind myself of Dr.Cox but of course he is an EXTREME. I just snap sometimes at the stupidest and smallest things. I guess that’s why God brought my bf into my life he seems to ask A LOT of question and with him in my life I’ve developed a patience and tolerance for the 21…oh wait 21,000 questions.. you gotta love him. =P Anyways back to patience and tolerance I need to put up with this just because there are going to be people a lot worse that I will meet on a daily basis whether it’s a co-worker, my future child (oh dear God ), my boss or my patient. So we are doing this group assignment on the integumentary system (skin). Well this girl wanted to give the answers to the class and not really test them to see if they did the handout and I told her “Well we can’t do that they are suppose to come to class with the worksheet finished and we have to see if they did the work and still teach them” She replied “Well no one is going to have time to finish that everyone is busy and has other stuff to worry about” Now I love her empathy for us and what not but we are expected as students to complete the work. Anyways we came to terms and what not and I know better now too. Another situation was we were learning about pain and the medications we are to take with it. So the teacher was explaining how Tylenol does not really get rid of the pain but it “blocks” you from feeling the pain. Anyways this girl puts her hand up and goes “So if we take 3 Tylenol pills and touch a stove we won’t feel pain?” I couldn’t help it...I was not being a smart ass.. I scoffed and went “What?” My classmate behind me laughed and said “that girl is really something else” I think what made me guilty was we talked about her after class but we all kind of new in the back of our heads that she was not asking the questions to seem funny but she was serious. =\ We weren’t making fun of her like “Omg she’s such and idiot” but to some extent her questions can get annoying because we have to listen to these questions when WE ARE LEARNING. And I guess that’s another thing I learnt today… not to laugh or talk shit about people’s learning process, well at least not with my peers. But people I can trust my venting moments with. And I’m sure many have come across these individuals that ask weird and off questions in class that make people go what fudge crackin lumber jackin shiznet? =\
Well this week at the hospital was alright. The kids that I usually see weren’t in on Thursday but I was distracted with Bingo. There was 15 minutes till Bingo the other volunteer didn’t get the bingo cards so I had to go to the office ask the coordinators where the bingo card was then I found out it was in our clinic binder but I didn’t look because I didn’t have to grab the keys since the other volunteer had them. Then I had to come back cut up lil pieces to put on the bingo card, (by this time the other volunteer was gone.. I swear I hate her), distribute the bingo cards to all the patients and give out the pieces. I know I’m being dramatic but seriously these kids look forward to playing it and the prizes are AWESOME…not that I sit there and play and get a prize for myself …FORBIDDEN FRUIT! Anyways after bingo the day was pretty chill I had one patient who had a bunch of procedures done (the nurse didn’t tell me what and I didn’t ask either) but yeah gave her some company by doing some crafts like making a frame and a flower out of tissue paper.
My neighbours had moved downstairs and a new family moved in for rent. There is this little boy who is often playing by himself. Today he said hi to me ( I AM NOT A COUGAR THE KID IS FRIKKEN 8) anyways I kinda just feel bad because he’d just be out in the front yard playing by himself. Like the other day he ripped up grass into tiny pieces and was throwing it like rice at a wedding on his driveway.. Why I don’t know? When I told my mom about him and she was aware of this too… my mom was like well why don’t you go and play with him. I replied “Mom this is not Sri Lanka, I’m 21 and the last thing I want is child services called on me”
I despise this weather and the whole week is going to be like this! The shitty part is ... it would be scorching hot outside and I walk into my school and it's fucking FREEZING like do I need bring a sweater when it's 30 degrees c outside?! =\
So I'm trying to eliminate those fatty foods and oh my oh my parents ordered this yummy spicy vege pizza just yesterday and I just wanted to grab three slices, dipping sauce and a coke ..sit down and eat last night. BUT i said NO because I already had dinner before I came home and it was late, so I grabbed a cup of milk and drank that. Anyways it's long weekend but not really since I always had mondays off. This weekend I'm working, I thought I wasn't but my boss called asked if I wanted to work and I said sure. As for my work I guess it's a matter of time management. I'm going to be going to be going to temple later tonight around the evening pooja so right now I'm going to get in some studying. Today was one of those really frustrating, confidence breaking days. I've accepted that in life there will ALWAYS be people smarted than you and of course there is nothing wrong with that. But damn these people already made their drug cards with the phamokinetics, side effects, categories, minimal doses EVERYTHING. And I was just like uhmmm...wow. I guess it is people like them that motivate me to study harder and work better. I guess for the past few days I've been slacking a little and I really should get on to studying. And its not that I don't study I guess I just don't study ENOUGH. Im working on this group project and luckily with my group one of the members has a brother who already took this course so we have his presentation and we just have to work around with it. SO a chunk of my weight has been lifted off of me because of the presentation. We still have other stuff to do but it's better that NOTHING right? Bahh well back to work :)
I hate when pens run out on you mid-sentence. Also, highlighters..everything is fine..you're highlighting away and then slowly it decreases, you continue highlighting hoping you can finish off the sentencen. Then BAM you are stuck at mid sentence.
And yes I stopped writing my notes to post this blog entry because I rather do that than go find a pen. I feel like there is not end to them. =\
The kids are suppose to go get their IV checked out when it beeps so the nurse can write down any information. So this one little boy never seemed to leave his chair because he wants to play his video games. EVERYTIME he comes to the hospital he plays video games. When his IV beeps he never goes to the nurse ..which means the nurse has to come and check things out. The nurse got fed up and sternly said
Nurse: You know it's not all fun and games when you come here.. you need to have some responsbility.. next time your IV beeps come so I can check it out. Boy: well... you gotta have SOME fun.
I just filled up a shelf with textbooks...it's pathetic but it's kind of fulfilling to see them there. Makes me feel..smart. It feels nice that I'm studying what I've been wanting to do for a long time. When times get tough...like really tough, I keep pushing myself telling myself I got to do this. I never felt this way with York. I guess when I experienced that loss of opurtunity of nursing at York I realized how important it is to me. Or maybe I just feel content because I found a certain identity..I am a nursing student... I am going to be a nurse. I am not uncertain about my future and that maybe the reason why I am comfortable. But that can't be entirely true, maybe partially, because I really like what I am learning and doing. On another note I just found all my old lecture notes that weren't whole punched so I can reuse the other side to print my lecture notes. No I am not cheap... I'm being environmentally friendly =] Im really procrascinating on this cleaning up stuff but whatever needs to be done! I found my ex bf project from like grade 6 in one of my binders. I kept the plastic covers and through out his project... I mean if he wanted it back I'm sure he would have something by NOW! I felt a sense of guilt throwing it out because it wasn't my project and to make matters worse my borther was blasting "your a jerk" seriously NOT HELPING!
So new semester new binders. I wasn't keen on going out and buying new binders so I had to hunt for some in my room, I know they were hiding somewhere here. In my closet I found a box of highschool stuff, all my notes of courses I thought were critical for me to keep for reference. But of course I never looked at ANY of them up until today. It was just a rewind and as I looked at the stuff I studied I was surprised because they come up in my anatomy and physio or pathophysiology (this semester). So I wondered WHY THE HELL CAN'T I REMEMBER THIS? Well then again I never really utilized my biology knowledge when I got to university. I mainly focus on chem. As I went through my chem stuff I found this OLD ... and when I mean old I mean OLD periodic table of elements. It has some some elements highlighted, some numbers sprawled accross and equations which shown were written with either care or rush. The corners were folded or torn and the paper is clearly worn out. It looked like a piece of map just no biege tint to it. I looked at it and this felt like another lifetime. How much I loved chem. Chemistry was just a beautiful subject but I knew I was not going to be happy working in a lab or a pharmacy. I wanted to help people, especially kids! When professors introduce themselves and tell us about their nursing experience I sit there in awe because one day I want to be able to do that. Today a professor told us about her nursing experience and you can tell how passionate she was about nursing just by how effective she was to the class. It was just so motivating and heart warming to see someone love something like a job. I hope to one day be able to have that same passion because we do see alot of worn out, over worked and stressed nurses who just have this grumpy unapproachable attitude. Then I wonder how can they be like this to families of patients and what not? A friend of mine was actually in the hospital before exams and he was telling us how incompetent some nurses can be. Once he threatened to speak to the CNO (College of Nurses Ontario) the service was all of sudden better. *sigh* I don't know I guess for some nurses patients just become objects that we just "work" on to improve we tend to forget "art of nursing". Well back to my flash back...it was like I was in a different time. After filling a once empty box with old notes, tests, lecture notes, lab manuals, workbooks etc. that I knew wasn't going to be any use but to contribute to the recycling process I sat there and stared at the mess. The binders were still sprawled on the ground binders in a messy pile. I kept three things from the box: the periodic table, this plastic booklet on chemistry (which I purchased from a science store with my parents) and a paper I did in gr 12 on The Types of Natural Selection (God I love Charles Darwin). I realized how much I've changed for the good and the bad since High School. I still have alot to do for myself. I am happy with myself but what bugs me is that I am disconnected from my past if that makes sense. I mean I guess I shouldn't be so connected to my past no one should otherwise they won't get to the future. Hmm weird.. well on the bright side I took a trip to the past with all my memories and I have binders and dividers! Wooot =]
I grabbed my laundry out of the dryer and to my surprise I found a pad. I was surprised that (1) it didnt burn in the dryer (2) it didn't rip to shreds (3) it inflated into this thick ass diaper. Well now we know kotex is the way to go! Oh and the pad was NOT used by the way..sheesh when I told my mom she asked me if it was a new one =| it was still in its little package.
So I'm making it seem like I've never worked out in my life but I guess it's because I've gotten so inclined to the unhealthy snacking and other crappy habits. Sometimes I envy those people who just got it together they're working out, doing school and working. I mean I'm happy but I guess I just need to attain that balance. I shove all my focus on school that I neglect other aspects of my life. Thankfully, when it comes to work, it's flexible I'm not expected to work certain hours or what not.
Last night I was a little nervous my second semester in the nursing program begins. I heard this semester is pretty hectic. From what I see so far in the classes I went I GOT TO KEEP MY SHIT TOGETHER. So I got to up my organization skills. Last semester the only organized binder I had was anatomy & physio. Lol I had the whole nine yards you know dividers and course outline at the front, handouts, work all in respective sections. Sorry about the bragging but I guess that's the only binder I've ever been so proud about. After exams I kept everything as it is because I'm going to need it for my lab/field course. We also need to make Nursing Portfolio I did this focus group last semester and I was suppose to get a certificate that I was supposed to put in my Portfolio when I went to pick it up it wasn't there so I guess I have to e-mail the coordinator.
Anyways back to working out so I checked the schedhules I was thinking of taking the easy route in this whole gym thang by going back to my muscle woks class. That's from 5:45-6:40 then for 20 minutes I'll walk/jog around the track. Afterwards at 7:00 there is a yoga class. I think that class I'm a little intimidated by. With my muscle works class I'm a little familiar with what she does but with yoga I have NEVER done. What if I fall while doing some position? =| I think the hard part is that people might be watching you and it's embarrasing but whatever I need to stop being so whiney.
As I laid in bed last night I wondered for the day ahead. I then realized how comfortable I got to my previous semester which made me nervous for this next one. Because I have pathophysio and pharmacology which does not seem so fun. *sigh*I guess it's all fear of the unknown and it's like when you finish step 1 you anxiously anticipate step 2 and what's in store for you. So far I'm okay most of my friends from last semester are in my classes again, I started talking to few new people. Like I met a girl today who bought her $80 textbook for $1 at the library (they are usually selling books and what not). Hehe I also met this couple who's doing the program together.
My third “beginning” was my name issue. For those who know me either call me by my full name or my nick name (that my parents call me) Ami (pronounced Amee not Amy..like "mon ami!!" in French) I told one of my professors to call me Ami. I was getting tired of people not remembering my name...Why? because maybe it was too long or confusing. It's different when people who already know me call me by nick name than those who don't. It feel weird introducing myself by my full name and the saying "but you can call me Ami" Another thing that bothers me about it why shouldn't I use my cultural first name? Why am I conforming to this westernization norm? At the same time I just feel like when I'm at the hospital (volunteering) or working with people at school it would be a lot easier for them to remember? I guess my nick name Ami is something personal to me and allowing stranger whom I just met to call me that feels awkward. It's like having sex on the first date or farting on the first date! When me and my boyfriend go to restaurants I give in my nick name only because I don't want to stand in the crowd spell out my name and then have to repeat myself because the waitress/waiter didn't hear me correctly. Even then they call me Amy.
Well anyways I'm going to get in bed and watch The Back Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez. I hate trying to watch it online and luckily my bf had a copy of the dvd. I got to say she looks weird in the poster for this movie though. I liked this movie I think my last resort would have been what she did. Go to a sperm bank and inseminate myself... well someone would do that for me but yeah! But my bf is in the picture but that is plan X if all fails! Ohh! And it turns out I don't have class tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning that time slot (which I don't know what they put) is for self-study. I BELIEVE the reason why is when we get into labs and what not we can use that time slot to practice. It's weird though we are going to be taught how to make hospital beds and wash sheets, clothes etc. These are things we just kind of know through chores (Well I don't really make my bed in the morning which my mom yells at me about but I guess this course will get the ball rolling) but I guess there are specific hospital regulations to be followed. I just have to go to volunteer at the Children’s hospital from 1-4 pm tomorrow. Hmm I think I can put my volunteer certificates in my Nursing Portfolio. Well I’m exhausted I didn’t even have proper sleep even though I went to bed early I just laid there nervous like it’s my first night.
LOL eww that reminds me so our nursing theory teacher asked so what are your expectations for this course? And this guy was like maybe we should have games, presentations and role play to you know keep things interesting. Then my prof goes “ahh okay so we should have some role play to keep you guys stimulated.” I giggled to her joke andshe turned around to look at everyone staring at her like -> =\ she goes “aww come on it’s a joke” teheh I like her I can relate to her humour.
Well holy shit the past few days were tiresome. This cold was stubborn, brutal and shitty. I think I spent 3-4 days in bed, drinking excessive amounts of fluid and getting as much bed rest as I can. Today was the first day I actually got out and enjoyed the remainder of my break. I start on Wednesday. My prof put up readings and work for week 1 and 2. So I finished my readings and did my work for week 1 and I did some of week 2. My room needs to be cleaned and I guess I will get to it tomorrow. I've neglected taking care of my room just because I was sick. I actually ended up going to the doctor because my phlegm was a dark yolky yellow colour which freaked me out. Turns out that it’s not a biggie. Right now I have a stubborn dry cough that comes here and there and a slight stuffy nose.
I started watching Scrubs. For the past few days I'd lie in bed with the laptop beside me and I'd just watch episode after episode of Scrubs. I started reading Eat Pray Love (which was a birthday gift!) and I should finish it because I know once school starts I might neglect on finishing it. I was supposed to work for three days, volunteer during my new shift and even meet up with friends but I had to cancel because of this brutal cold! ohh welll I made some antibodies so yay!! So now that I am getting better I can get back to the gym.
You don't understand and I guess it's hard. I mean we can all relate and empathize but body image is something subjective. Every shirt I tried on my stomach would pop out and I just hate the size of my thighs. I then feel pretty stupid for getting emotional and crazy over these insecurities and flaws because I should be grateful that I have a healthy body! Nevertheless, like many people out there I am not satisfied with my body. I renewed my YMCA membership so I'm going back to the gym. I stopped around the beginning April because school got crazy with finals, assignments and exams. And the once school ended I got sick so now’s my chance to make the most of it and push myself! When I have school I sit there and make excuses though like here’s a few: (1) I got so much on my plate!
(2) the time I'm at the gym I could be studying for anatomy
(3) I'm too tired from school
These things just get in my way and I figure if I want to get out of this rut than I NEED to do something instead of fucking complaining. There have been days in the recent times where I have cried trying on clothes because it did not look right in my eyes and it shouldn't come to that extent. I know I am going to be bullshittting if I said I love my body.. because I know I don't. I appreciate my body because holy crap our body does alot that we just take for granted. But I know I can't stand in front of a mirror in my bra and panties and stare at myself for 10 mins with a sense of satisfaction (not sexually speaking :P) I guess this is the first step identifying the problem. I think the difficult part is consistency I can’t keep something up and I find it really hard to balance working out with school schedules. And it doesn’t mean I should devote like 1 hr at the gym… at least ½ hr just jogging outside would be okay on those hectic days. Another thing that I find very difficult is eating right. I picked up this really bad habit of eating sweets and junk food and I need to get out of it! Ahh well let’s see how things unfold.
Well past week or so have been hectic and now I am bedridden (well not forced by choice) due to the fact I have a cold. The weather is GORGEOUS outside and I'm lying in bed. My urine output has increased due to the fluid intake and it's getting really annoying. Well it was really peculiar because I was peeing alot so I goggled it and things like diabetes and pregnancy came up and I just sat there like oh dear god. So now I stopped looking up a diagnosis and contributed to it my fluid intake. My final marks will be up tonight after 7:30 pm so I'm a little nervous about that. Over the weekend my family had thrown me a surprise party. I was shocked and I felt like I didn't deserve it. A sense of guilt went over me that all these people put in such effort. I was happy of course because everyone I loved was there except for my best friend who unfortunately couldn't make it. This really has never happened to me so I was really taken aback but overall the night was comfortable. My second nephew has grown and also my first nephew who is freakishly tall for his age but I guess that's genetics for ya. Now I havea cold I need to fight it off before school and fight off the shitty part of this cold so I can go into work this friday and weekend. I was suppose to meet up with two friends tomorow but Im not sure yet. and I had sick kids but that`s unlikely too! ARGHJHWJHDSD
