what a day

Today was a day of stress and anxiety. I'm glad this week is over and I can just start all over again.

Negative:

• I had the online test today at school which was 15% of my mark. I got 50% on it. Oh believe me I wasn't happy with my mark nor was I surprised. Not studiyng was my fault. Yes, I've got a shit load to do from taking care of the family to clinicals( 40 hrs a week, sometimes even more.) Nevertheless, it's not an excuse to leave it to the last minute or forget. It's about time I pull my shit together and write down important dates on my calendar instead of just my agenda.
• While brushing my teeth I remembered my application for my licensing exam that is due on the 31st. It's the 28th. Forgetting about it and leaving it to the last minute was my fault. The payment for the exams was approximately $300.
• I got a reply back from him that he can't make it on sunday and that "we will meet up some other time." Followed by sexual remarks that I guess were uncalled for?
  

Positive:

• The day consisted of constant solace and comfort from the best friend. jeeze louise, I'm grateful for her existence in my life.
• I broke down on my mom and told her exactly how it is; that I work 40 hrs a week and have to manage studies on top of that. I told her I don't really have anyone to run to about personal issues and have this obligation/responsbility to take care of her and my grandparents. I spoke to my brother the other day and he asked if the arrangements have been made for my mom's surgery. Like I have to arrange everything?! *sigh* If it wasn't for me yelling at my grandfather, he wouldn't have went to the doctor and got his hearing aid stuff done. If it wasn't for me filling out forms and contacting the YRP, my grandfather wouldn't have gotten his alzheimer stuff finished. It's exasperating. I get that my dad is working two jobs. I feel almost like a spoiled brat for crying out and complaining about all of this, like that I should do it with grace and silence. Anyways, it's out in the open and my mom knows how I feel.
• I managed to drive downtown to hand in the application form (thank god). While there I ran into a few classmates who are also doing pre-grad, I asked them how they did today. One of them got a 45% while the other got a 57%. It also turns out they haven't done their presentation yet for this huge project we need to give in at the end of this. So I'm not alone.
• As for him, I called him. No answer. Sent him a message saying to call me back, which I don't know if he will. This is what I think of him and the situation. He wanted to fool around, I didn't put out. He asked once again to meet up in a secluded area and this time drink. I said no to the drinking so he doesn't want to come through, because well he's not going to get any pleasure out of it.Am I wrong for assuming the worst in him? No. If a guy really wanted to hang out with me, he wouldn't suggest some random park, at night and to drink on top of that. I've finally got the sense of self-entitlement; in the sense that if a guy really likes me he would prusue me for something. And he's not. I am aware of hard I work and the respect I deserve now, and well this guy isn't giving it because truth be told he isn't interested in me that way or just isn't looking for someone like me at the moment. And well, his loss.
  
• After everything that happened today, I realized I've let the stress consume me. I let clinicals be an excuse not to do anything. Yes, I am being hard on myself because talking to my peers, they are in the same boat as me. We complained about the shifting circadian rhyhtm in our sleep cycle. With clinicals hours and I only gave into things I wanted to do such as clubbing and working out. However, I need to begin to prioritize my work and get my stuff together. Today, a day filled with driving in a rush to the CNO head office to give in my form to getting that awful mark to getting the text he can't make/realizing he's just after ass, was a reality check.
• Tonight I'm going out. I really don't know how it's going to be, since it's me and a friend. She's pretty so most guys are going to be hitting on her(it's happened before), while I stand around awkwardly. But I'm going to make the most of it by trying to have a good time and de-stress. haha. Wish me luck because it's going to be hella awkward when my friends making out with a hott white guy and I really don't have anyone else there.
  
• Mantra of the day: This too shall pass.
  
  
  

damn it

Turns out the physiotherapist assistant has a gf. No! I didn't do some stalking*shifty eyes*. He casually mentioned her in a conversation ...which..I overheard. Great now I can't daydream about us having lunch in the cafeteria(LMAO) or doing the nasty. It just don't seem right. nahmean?
Well had an awkard moment the other day; I was standing outside the bathroom with the doctor. Talking to the patient giving discharge instruction, while she was IN the bathroom taking a dump. Oh great, just great.
Hmm I think one thing I sort of value of not being in a relationship is not answering the phone. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone or reply back to texts. However, with a bf, you have to reply back to texts, obligated to pick up the phone call and not ignore it on purpose or return phone calls. Most of my friends I get back at or atleast try to. Nevertheless, when I am overwhelmed and don't really feel like talking to anyone, I like having that freedome of being alone.
As I was leaving work today, I spoke to God. Yeah sounds weird when I type and read that to myself. Anyways I was just like Give me something. Something nice to brighten up my days. Don't get me wrong, I love the hospital and what I am doing. But for some reason it bugs me so damn much that there's not that guy in my life to shower me with attention. I'm not seeking for a relationship, just simple company. Anyways, I then got to thinking I would have been fine. Then I met the crush. I was happy on my own, beginning to get comfortable in my own skin and basically blissfully unaware. I should be happy with what I have in life, I am taking it for granted. I really am. I love going to the gym and pushing myself on the machines to the point that the endorphins kicks in, I feel relaxed and nothing else in the world matters because I feel fuckin awesome. I like not having to fix my schedule around a guy in order to make time for us. I like being able to just lie in bed and not do anything and jnot ustify myself to anyone. I like not having to feel guilty or worry if I check out a guy or flirt with someone. I like the idea of only worrying about myself and no significant other. Maybe it's my past experience with my ex and how exteremly tied to the hip we were. But I appreciate the freedom I have, which I once longed. Nevertheless, it seems I keep forgetting these perks and missing the company of a guy more. Why is that? I'm going clubbing tommorow and maybe, just maybe saturday. Plans aren't for sure. But if I was in a relationship, plans need to be certain. I can't just make last minute plans and say "hey hun I'm going clubbing with so and so. See ya!"
I seem to be thinking more about this then the test I have tommorw. Pathetic, I know. Haha. But I am screwed lol theres only so much I can do now. I've done the online modules and sort of reviewed. I dont think I will do that great but hopefully I can catch up by other means. And hopefully this epic fail tommorow will kick some reality in my head to start studying.

D'awwwwww =]

Such a cute song. LOL don't judge me, I'm aware I need to be punched. In the back of my head, I know we are just a friends. But you hopelessly hope like a moron failing to look at things realistically. No, no pity is not what I'm trying to attain from this post. I'm just going to tell it as it is, get rejected, and move on. Oh how fun that's going to be, but I rather just get that closure and the words out of his mouth.

word...

PDA

This was one of my favourite scenes from 500 Days of Summer, when the couple walked around Ikea pretending it was their house. They ended up in a bedroom and were going to make out and well they had an audience. :P

PDA; That shit bugs the crap out of me. What's worse is when I see it on social networks like facebook. You want to say "I love you boo boo face" then call/text/mail/send a telepathic msg to your damn signnifcant other. No one needs nor wants to see one profress their love over the net to their signifnicant other. Isn't it something personal, so why announce it out in the public? One it's going to make me hurl and two doesn't it deplete the value of the message when you put it as your facebook status? I honestly would appreciate a guy telling me this personally or even writing it down on a letter, NOT ON THE INTERNET, where my friends and family can see it. I wonder for those who overly show PDA on the net are they trying to prove something to the social network world? Are they trying to compensate and cover something that is lacking? Or are they really that sappy? Because if that's the case I need some damn gravol from reading that kinda crap. bahaha Honestly, it just looks pathetic in my eyes. Putting up photos of you and your SO together doing cool things, fine. Putting up photos of your tongue down each others throat, OH DEAR GOD that would scare me. At a quick glance, I'd get startled because it looks like the chick's eating his face. bahaha

soreee

Sometimes I wonder if he wants something more than friends, in the sense of physical. His comments at time are flirtatious in nature, that makes me raise an eyebrow. Okay not really, I can't raise one eyebrown but you know. A few months back I was open to the idea of friends with benefits(FWB). I don't know how and what it is that has changed my mind within that period, but I can safely conclude that is just not what I am looking for.
Utimately in the end I would have felt awful about myself and I realized I rather share those kind of moments with someone who's in it to be with me as well. I rather not just give anything up to a guy for the sake of some sort of pleasure. That's when I begin to have some sort of self-conflict because I was reasoning on both sides. Yes, there is a sense of empowerment if you can maintain such a relationship without getting emotions involved. But then I can't help about questioning what about ones' self-respect? If you are in a FWB relationship, do you still have self-respect? I know it sounds silly, maybe some girls do? I don't know because in the end the girl can have self-respect and be using the guy for the physical aspect and getting something out of it too right? I think it looks wrong because it's out of societal norm, especially for a woman to engage in such type of relationship. My perspective, lol I rather not get myself into such drama. I can say I do have my emotions in check, but dare I try FWB, I'd be your typical girl trying to label and strap that man down (in a non sexual manner). So I rather avoid that drama and even then emotions will heighthen. I'd think I want to be with them, when really, how do I even know if I want a relationship to begin with? LOL omg I sound crazy but maybe some readers get what I'm saying. So that folks is my take on friends with benefits. Even though in the summer I was ready to jump in the FWB boat and get down and dirty. I'm glad it didn't happen. :)
Ahh well, whatever happens will happen. If a situation was to occur, I'd have to say no, followed by awkwardness and our "friendship" will lead to its eventual detoriation. bahaha c'est la vie. And yes it's wrong to just assume he wants that, but in this day and age with men being pigs, a girls gotta have her guards up.

the awkward moment

the guy you're crushing on calls you "sir"
lovely.. just lovely.

hockey

when hockey players fight... it turns me on.

convert

So my tumblr and twitter are more of a "professional account". Thus I have my tumblr link up on my twittter bc I don't want people to read my personal blog(which is this one). Although lol I don't think I can write much in here since there's not much to write personally speaking.
does that make my life kinda sad? yeah probably. I mean the most I can write about here is the hot physiotherapist assistant I drool over every morning. My god he's gorgeous. We've only made eye contact and never spoke. Lol I never found the reason to speak to him either. And there was really no formal inrdocution between us by my preceptor. And now it's TOO late to introduce myself unless I need to speak to him about something which I never find the need to. This week has been pretty okay more than I thought it would be...but sadly it's probably because I haven't done shit. I'm not going to the gym tonight so I better finish the presentation tonight (while I watch the hockey game. hehehe I was thinking of going to a starbucks and working on the presentation, I mean there would be more of a chance to see some cute guys. But then the Leafs game trumped the potential eye candy. Hahaha

:P

lovely...just lovely

So for the past month or so I've been lacking in regards to going to the gym that also paired with the crappy eating habits. Quite frankly if you finish a shift around 11:30 pm, you are going to be starving. I honestly don't know what to eat because well I'll be going to bed shortly after. Anyways this week I started going back to the gym and resuming normal eating habits that isn't overindulging on anything in plain site. First day wasn't so bad on a count that I didn't have to go to the hospital. Second day wasn't so bad; went to the gym, showered, ate and took a quick nap before going to the hospital. My shift was pretty hectic especially when two of your patients are overweight. Nonetheless, I didn't feel anything during or after my shift. It was at 8:30 in the morning when my mom came in to ask me if I wanted to go to the gym that I felt my whole body in pain. My back, my arms, my legs and even my chest! :S So I'm not going to go today. Either way I have a paper to work on that's due tommorow.

There's really not much to write in here. Nothing exciting or enticing. Just trying to get things together with clinicals so that when I am there I can do it on my own independently. I want to show the co-ordinators that I am a competent nurse so that maybe... just maybe *fingers crossed* they can recommend me for a job position at the hospital or even one at the very unit. Alot of the nurses are encouraging me to work as I do my bridging program into Uni. But honestly I spoke to my clinical teacher and she was right "Think of that decision when it's time to cross that bridge." So right now I am trying to juggle clinicals and studying which isn't so easy because I am tired most of the time. And also trying to make time to hang out with friends otherwise I think I'd go insane without any social contact. October is filled with alot of parties surprisingly and I cannot attend a few of them because (1) I have shift the next day and need to be up at 6 am. and (2) I don't work so I don't have much money to go out that often. My friend told it was just a part of being an "adult". Lol I guess he's right but it just sucks when you want to go out. I think I need to sort of accept this reality because of the shift schedhule expected of a nurse. I miss the financial independency though. If I wanted to go out or if my friend's birthday was coming up I'd work for a couple of weekends and I'd have money set aside for them. Ah well...keep telling myself my time will come, right now it's a matter of getting my stuff done.

Found this funny picture on the net... LOL

Steve Jobs

A forward from my uncle:

In his famous 2005 commencement speech to Stanford University, Steve Jobs said of his time at Reed:

“It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms,
I returned coke bottles for the 5 cent deposits to buy food with,
and I would walk the seven miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple.”

evenings

What I hate about the evening shifts is by the time I'm home, it's 12 am. Hunger begins to linger around the corner and I am ready to eat a big meal.
I want to sleep but I'm a little paranoid. Watched Paranormal Activity 2 the other day and still have the jitters. A friend and I went out to a haunted area and then watched the movie in the car. I swear we thought we saw something standing in the wooded area too. Maybe our eyes were playing tricks on us.
*panics and looks around the room* I know! I fell asleep with the TV on last night because I was scared and I even checked my closet and under my bed before getting into bed. Nevertheless there's a weird thrill.