gabapentin

What an exhausting week. I swear it feels so weird waking up at 6 am in the morning on weekends. Don't know how people do it. It should be illegal or like a religious rule not to come into work until like 11 am. I had a birthday party last night and I swear once 1030 hit I was grumpy and ready to get to bed. It was such a tiring day, I don't even know why. I was starting to dose off at the computer when I was charting.
Then we got a direct admission from Muskoka. And I don't know I just get this rush when I have to deal with emergency like situations so I was more alert. I got the patient's vital, helped the paramedics (oh yah ;)) get her into her bed, did her swabs and assessed her fracture. So one of the paramedics was pretty cute, we kept making eye contact, flirty glances and smiles. Hey! I was having a slow day okay and this was my pick-me-up. And yes ladies he was cute! Tall, dark hair, cute friendly smile; the works! ;) But yeah after all that chaos, I was a bit more alert. My preceptor was like I think you are more awake because of the cute paramedic. Bahaha not even. Me and him are alot more cool and close now (as you can tell). I was complaining how I'm cold and he was like are you on your period? I was like seriously we've come that close that you're asking me if I'm on my period?
Lol Now as for studying, let me tell you how much I'm sucking at it. Luckily tuesday I have a day off. I thought I was working all week... but I'm going to use that day to catch up on studying. I also have the weekend off to do some more chapters. I was intending on coming home and sleeping but I had a small ice cap for lunch so I think I must be piped up on the caffiene and can't really sleep. Ah well.
Yesterday I got to go to the morgue to see the removal of two eyes which was going to be used for corneal transplant. It was amazing. An eye transplant is the only organ which you don't need a sterile field or an OR, so we did it right in the morgue. It was so morbid, like there is this eerie feeling to being in a morgue. Anyways the procedure was pretty cool. The doctor snipped off the muscles that moves the eyeball left to right. Then he cut off the optic nerve. He then packed the eye balls in normal saline. They then would use the corneas for the transplant. Two people got vision out of the organ donation.

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Eleanor Roosevelt

I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face... I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along... We must do the things we think we cannot do.

oh lord

Patient needed a pack of ice for his pain. I walk out of his room, look down the unit and in walks in this really hot tall guy. He's wearing a nice dark suit, probably less then 27 years old, cute eyes and friendly warm smile. I walk into the clean utility room to grab the bag and walk to the pantry to put some ice in it. He's standing there with two other older men in suits as well. "Well hello hello Mr. eye candy" I said in my head. Grab the ice and get a good look at him from the front. He had this white piece where his tie was suppose to me. Oh my God he's a priest! And for some reason I felt sinful for checking him out that way.
So far clinicals are pretty good. Alot of broken bones. I got to practice alot of my nursing skills from iv set up, wound dressings and yesterday I got remove staples out of a patient. The evening shifts aren't so bad compared to days so I'm a little nervous about that. The nurses I work with seem really cool and laid back. My first day was pretty interesting. Most of the patients we get are from the ER or surgery; so one of the patients heart rate shot up to 165 (normal is 60-100). The nurse then informed the doctor and an ECG was suppose to be done on her. By the time the attending came she reverted back to normal sinus. Yesterday we got a new admission who fractured his femur. He was a young guy and we had to unfortunately cut off his underwear to do a rectal swab and also so he can pee. We told him that we had to do it because we cannot move a leg AT ALL after it's been fractured. There were tractions and weights in place so he was completly immobilized until his surgery. So we had to cut off his underwear. I give my nurse the scissors and he goes in his thick accent"Ohhh Armani eh? made in hong kong? china?" Im standing there going :| trying not to laugh and the patient lets out a small laugh, smiles and says China. Thank god the poor guy had his morphine.

=]

today is the day

I begin my first shift at 3:30 and I'll be off at 11:30. Yeah I'm pretty nervous, but I made it this far into the program so I must know my shit right? Hmm. I still need to review, I've got my first exam 7 weeks away so I need to get started. It's just I don't know where! It's a bit overwhelming seeing that I can be tested on anything from the past two years and we have no outline. to study from Our guide is the NCLEX-PN examination review book we were to purchase. But I should look through my course outlines and review the weekly topics or look through my old lecture slides/notes.
As for today I'm sorta thrilled to go in, it's definitely going to be one heck of an experience. But I'm more nervous than anything. I don't want to be taken advantaged of nor do I want to deal with catty nurses. I keep questioning if I know everything maybe I should review. Maybe I should have reviewed?! AHH! There definitely is much more freedom with pre-grad, but with that freedom comes responsibility. Like I need to study on my own and figure out what to study. Of course, I think the shifts are going to be tiring as well, but I'm hoping I adjust. I'm trying to stay as organized as possible to stay on top of things.
As for him, I began to realize that maybe I saw what I wanted to see. I mean it was unorthodox the way we met but factors point that it is nothing more than friends. I'm slowly beginning to realize that just because it doesn't work out and mount to something that it's not the end, there are more people out there to meet. And also that sometimes for people they just don't have that "happy ending" or "finding someone". I personally believe that the universe is going to drive me through the sludge just because (a) I seem to want the company of someone and (b) I've had the company of two serious relationships for a span of 5 years.and (c) I need to learn how to be without it.
And it's not like I haven't learnt it. I think I have changed a lot for what has been almost a year. Nevertheless, once I met this guy feels like I threw all that out the window. I guess I really haven't thrown it out because I am aware of who I am. But I guess it's like a challenge.Thus, the universe intends on dangling the carrot in front of me and saying "hey, here's a cute guy who you seem to click with and has a pretty stable job, but guess what it's not going to mount to anything more than a friendship because you need to learn that not every guy that walks into your life is going to be that." I mean in hindsight I know that, but it's about getting it engraved in my head. I guess it's all a learning process? Thankfully, I have school to distract me and consume my thoughts. And quite frankly, my pride kicks in and goes "why would you want a guy who you wanted to date badly, got your hopes up like a gitty school girl and get shot down?" If a guy is interested, it will show.

Religious Guilt

I want to be left alone. Yeah, don't want to talk to anyone...just want to be alone. But my mom wants to go to the temple because my brother and I start school tomorrow and also it's their wedding anni. I feel like shit for not wanting to go and on top of that I haven't gotten my parents anything. But they understand, I'm broke and just left my job. We initially assumed it was my mom and I, now my grandfather (maternal) and my grandmother (paternal) want to come too. Leaving my other grandfather home alone, which is going to make my mom freak because well he has Alzheimer's and he's home alone. Now everyone has to get ready and drive up to the temple which is time consuming.
It's so sad that I am not even excited for pre-grad, not even the one bit. My anxiety has consumed my mind that I am not excited for it. It's unfortunate but I'm hoping actually going to the hospital and getting a feel for the environment may change things. Tomorrow is my orientation and then I begin my clinical hours. *sigh* My confidence and the questioning of my ability is interfering with my love for nursing. I have two forms to fill out for tomorrow.
The anxiety is overwhelming, I just want to be alone.

oh my

As September 8th lingers closer and closer, I can't help but feel like I am constantly being infused with high levels of anxiety. I keep telling myself, just suck it up and give it your ALL for the next four months. Don't stop for a second to think of anyone else but yourself and get through it. Yes, it may seem selfish but for those who love me know how much of a pain in the ass this semester is going to be. I really don't know how I am going to adjust to the 12 hours shifts and the overwhelming stress. I keep questioning my ability and wondering about how good my preceptor and clinical teacher is going to be.
As I vented in panic to a friend the other day, she said just get yourself organized, it will be a great start. I really should do that. My brother moved out so we disposed his desks and moved in my desk and bookshelf into his room. Now his room has turned into sort of a study for me. His bed is still there though. My parents moved his TV to my room. But yeah, there is a shit load of clutter like paper work and notes to be organized.
Then of course I need to prepare stuff for my pre-grad. It's all overwhelming but I think it's basically just getting started. I guess all this preparation is a good distraction from my stupid thoughts.
Maybe it's a matter of taking it all at one step at a time. I know it's possible for me to get through this. LOL I keep telling myself that. I've accomplished alot just looking back from one year ago. So maybe it's a matter of just adapting, adjusting and making sure I make time for myself.
Gahh my head hurts, I am going to make some tea. I guess the best part of it getting a bit chilly is I can finally drink a hot cup of tea. And HOCKEY SEASON.

hiking photos

reciprocation

That annoying feeling where you feel like you are there for people but wish that someone was there to have your back. I know I am one to ponder on a little more than the typical person and stress more about things. It's just when you really need someone to vent to, and no ones there one can't help but feel exasperated. I'm not going to sit there and call everyone on my phone list to complain about my stupid drama. But it'd be nice just to have someone listen to you. and actually give you their time and help. I can't help but wonder why do I bother? Maybe I should just step back and do my own thing? I can't help but question am I too dependent on my friends? Am I too needy? Maybe it's about learning to be on your own, figure out your shit without anyones help.
I think I need to learn that friendship, like relationships, is a two way street and you both have to give and take. And when it's not working that way, maybe you should re-consider the friendship. Guess it's all a learning process...maybe the final step of all this crap I've been submersing myself is learning to be on my own without the support of friends. In the end, if people are like this one has to accept that..that's fucking life.
Included two photos from hiking...going to add a several more.