source: http://www.udel.edu/chem/theopold/chem465/copland.udel.edu/~rmarcus/drug%20chart.gif
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
comprehension
I AM
TRYING
TO
FIGURE
OUT
why
IT'S
SO
DIFFICULT
NOT
TO
GIVE
A
FUCK.
For those who intentionally set out to hurt people, I truly hope you are satisfied with yourself and are living in nothing but content after afflicting such vile words and actions onto others.I mean what else can be said? You put in so much effort to ensure that the well-being of the other person is compromised. Therefore,the best one can hope for is that atleast one party is happy.
But the bitter and cold reality is, regardless of how much you say to someone and say ABOUT someone, you will never be truly happy no matter what you say to convince yourself.
It's simple to point the finger at someone because it's difficult to take a GOOD HARD FUCKIN LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHERE YOU WENT WRONG.
It's easy to re-list the flaws of the other person and the things they've done to hurt you but it's impossible to admit to your own flaws.
So go ahead; be angry and be bitter!
But you fail to realize that the person who walked away for a reason is no longer waiting around the corner in hopes you will come to a realization.
TO
FIGURE
OUT
why
IT'S
SO
DIFFICULT
NOT
TO
GIVE
A
FUCK.
For those who intentionally set out to hurt people, I truly hope you are satisfied with yourself and are living in nothing but content after afflicting such vile words and actions onto others.I mean what else can be said? You put in so much effort to ensure that the well-being of the other person is compromised. Therefore,the best one can hope for is that atleast one party is happy.
But the bitter and cold reality is, regardless of how much you say to someone and say ABOUT someone, you will never be truly happy no matter what you say to convince yourself.
It's simple to point the finger at someone because it's difficult to take a GOOD HARD FUCKIN LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHERE YOU WENT WRONG.
It's easy to re-list the flaws of the other person and the things they've done to hurt you but it's impossible to admit to your own flaws.
So go ahead; be angry and be bitter!
But you fail to realize that the person who walked away for a reason is no longer waiting around the corner in hopes you will come to a realization.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
getting sick
soup-vitamin C
-sleep in bed the whole day
-lots of water
-lots of peeing
-lots of rest
let's stop this bad boy before it gets any worse. I took the day off. Didn't go to class but didn't miss much. I have to do my lab test next week which is good I wasn't ready either ways. The tickle in my throat I had last night has gone away. I was sneezing and had a stuffy nose this morning but right now it's okay.
So my plan is hopefully to get better...and HOPEFULLY go to Sick Kids tommorow morning.But if I'm sick I can't.
I also intend on catching up on all my readings which gives me the weekend to go to work and work on my care plan. But this all depends on how I feel.
Urgh... remember how I said I needed to have that moment to just cry, like let it all out and instead of holding it in. So yesterday my mom and I were suppose to go to the gym. As I put on my shoes I started crying. I was just frustrated with all the hectic crazy-ness....coming home from the hospital, fall asleep (which wasted 3 hrs), wake up and go to pick up my mom, come home work on an assignment, get ready to go to the gym etc etc. SO I broke down being frustrated with the ample amount of work and just feeling so suffocated because there was NO TIME FOR MYSELF. And well I felt like I was getting sick. I could have brushed it off and went to school but I don't want it getting any worse (Which would require more time off). THAT and I needed the time off. Regarding him all I can say is c'est la vie...such is life. Whatever comes my way, comes. I'm tired of this anguish and constant worry.
I feel like all I write about is love and all it's implications that and my life. haha I don't know what's so intresting about it. So as I was laying in bed trying to get my mind of my itchy throat... I thought about why humans sleep the way we do? Why bats sleep hanging upside down( I think)? Is there some scientific reason behind it? Did you know there was a study on bats and how they mate is by using their infared senses to see which bad is the warmest through thermoregulation. HAHAHA that's so weird and straight to the point. It's like me going up a dude...hey so what's your core temperature? ;) But then again guys testes have to be cooler in order for the sperm to be healthy and essentially living so hmmm I think it's different for us. I wanted to take my little cousin to the zoo over march break. Hopefully the weather and her mom permits. :)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Peace
Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so that we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Need to get on the grind
For the past three days I have not accomplished anything academically. I'm so lazy. Today morning I went to go see the Leaf's practice. There's so much to write and yet I'm holding myself back. It's not a sense of defeat over me, I'm just exaseperated and emotionally drained. What's the point saying how I feel when nothing is going to change. In the end things happen all for the better, I've got fate in God for that much. I regret texting him last monday because it led to a huge blowout/uproar. At first I was angry but now it's like a sense of I give up. But at the same time I feel so unmotivated where I just don't want to do anything anymore. IIt's difficult trying to bother anymore. My mom's trying to keep me company and talking to me but I really dont want to try. haha if that makes any sense. Hmm I wonder if im being over dramatic...maybe to some but like i said I'm so tired of this crap to the point I don't want to even talk about it so it maybe look like I'm making a big deal out fo something small when I'm actually not....
I think the difficult part is trying not to think about everything. Like I said I regret it. And now it's just time to pick up the pieces. I was on a good roll anyways. School was hectic but I loved what I was doing. I was eating healthy and going to the gym again. I even lost some lbs! I'm not going to push myself for anything better and expect full recovery but just take my time to get back on my feet. It may seem as if I hurt him or used him in his eyes. But what he and maybe others fail to realize that he played a part in our relationship breaking apart. There may be even some assumptions made that I wasn't serious about this relationship with him. Which is what baffles me... if I wasn't then why was I with him for so long? If I wasn't serious why did I endure so much of his end of the crap just like he says he did with mine. I think we need to say some bad about the other person and have a reason to hate them to actually get over them because if you regard them as someone good you won't be able to get over them. So he's probably angry and bitter with his reasons to dislike me. It doesn't give him an excuse to speak the way he did to me but I'm done. If I wasn't serious why was it necessary for me to go talk to a counsellor? :S I've been thinking of going back, but with school it's just all hectic. It wouldn't hurt to make a session...hmm not sure.
I didn't tell anyone this but I got into an accident on friday. I was driving with my family home from temple. It was a green light so I started to go and this guy ran a red light. Luckily I breaked quick but still I hit his tire/rim so my car got scratched up. I felt like all of last week people were jinxing me and it wasn't just one incident it was numerous occasions where I felt like people would say the smallest things that would curse me. And maybe I'm just using that as an excuse for everything but all the bad stuff just happened one after another. Which is why I went to the temple(because I felt something bad was going to happen) but on our way home that happened. Everyone was okay but just shooken up. It's difficult getting into an accident with two seniors in the back because urgh it's just taken to another level. So clearly he was at fault and people gave me numbers for witness. Then two police came and sort of helped with the situation. We didn't report the collision because the man was genuinely sorry and if we reported it his insurance would SKY ROCKET. Instead I showed it to my mechanic, he said the cost of the repairs and the guy payed us the money. Friday night of course I've bottled up alot of emotions and wanted to just fucking get smashed. I know it's stupid and that's exactly what happened. I spent most of my night vommiting but regardless it was a fun night filled with jokes. Afte the accident i couldn't cry I had to suck it up because of my grandparents, I had to hold it together because my mom was so cheesed. I wanted to snap at the police officer but I just gave him a cold stare directly into his eyes. haha Saturday was okay I had the company of my friend so she was keeping me together. I was nauseous from the night before and we went out for dinner in the evening. Sunday came and he had called yet again.I answered the phone and we argued some more. And he just said some stuff that just pushed me over the edge where I was like I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. I'm done fucking hoping this man would change and maybe just fucking maybe we can back together. I'm done holding on to the glimmer of hope. I wanted to cut myself but I didn't I needed to do something to get my rage out. But nothing...nothing came. I sat there feeling so empty.
Nevertheless, things have changed for the better with some people in my life. Like for instance me and my brother are getting closer. I don't try to push it but he's looking out for me and asking if I'm alright. It's not like we talk everyday or disclose details of my life but he heard me arguing on the phone and asked me if I was alright and the same after the accident. It's better. Ahh well atleast that happened now... he is going off to uni and moving out for september (most likely).
You know this is fucked.. I want to cry so badly. Like cry like WAIL AND JUST SCREAM AND BAWL my eyes out. I want to do it.. and knowing me who cries ever so easily ... I NEED TO CRY or it will literally make me crazy. I guess I am waiting for that chance where I'm alone. Because obviously if I was to do it now...my family would be like wtf.
I think the difficult part is trying not to think about everything. Like I said I regret it. And now it's just time to pick up the pieces. I was on a good roll anyways. School was hectic but I loved what I was doing. I was eating healthy and going to the gym again. I even lost some lbs! I'm not going to push myself for anything better and expect full recovery but just take my time to get back on my feet. It may seem as if I hurt him or used him in his eyes. But what he and maybe others fail to realize that he played a part in our relationship breaking apart. There may be even some assumptions made that I wasn't serious about this relationship with him. Which is what baffles me... if I wasn't then why was I with him for so long? If I wasn't serious why did I endure so much of his end of the crap just like he says he did with mine. I think we need to say some bad about the other person and have a reason to hate them to actually get over them because if you regard them as someone good you won't be able to get over them. So he's probably angry and bitter with his reasons to dislike me. It doesn't give him an excuse to speak the way he did to me but I'm done. If I wasn't serious why was it necessary for me to go talk to a counsellor? :S I've been thinking of going back, but with school it's just all hectic. It wouldn't hurt to make a session...hmm not sure.
I didn't tell anyone this but I got into an accident on friday. I was driving with my family home from temple. It was a green light so I started to go and this guy ran a red light. Luckily I breaked quick but still I hit his tire/rim so my car got scratched up. I felt like all of last week people were jinxing me and it wasn't just one incident it was numerous occasions where I felt like people would say the smallest things that would curse me. And maybe I'm just using that as an excuse for everything but all the bad stuff just happened one after another. Which is why I went to the temple(because I felt something bad was going to happen) but on our way home that happened. Everyone was okay but just shooken up. It's difficult getting into an accident with two seniors in the back because urgh it's just taken to another level. So clearly he was at fault and people gave me numbers for witness. Then two police came and sort of helped with the situation. We didn't report the collision because the man was genuinely sorry and if we reported it his insurance would SKY ROCKET. Instead I showed it to my mechanic, he said the cost of the repairs and the guy payed us the money. Friday night of course I've bottled up alot of emotions and wanted to just fucking get smashed. I know it's stupid and that's exactly what happened. I spent most of my night vommiting but regardless it was a fun night filled with jokes. Afte the accident i couldn't cry I had to suck it up because of my grandparents, I had to hold it together because my mom was so cheesed. I wanted to snap at the police officer but I just gave him a cold stare directly into his eyes. haha Saturday was okay I had the company of my friend so she was keeping me together. I was nauseous from the night before and we went out for dinner in the evening. Sunday came and he had called yet again.I answered the phone and we argued some more. And he just said some stuff that just pushed me over the edge where I was like I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. I'm done fucking hoping this man would change and maybe just fucking maybe we can back together. I'm done holding on to the glimmer of hope. I wanted to cut myself but I didn't I needed to do something to get my rage out. But nothing...nothing came. I sat there feeling so empty.
Nevertheless, things have changed for the better with some people in my life. Like for instance me and my brother are getting closer. I don't try to push it but he's looking out for me and asking if I'm alright. It's not like we talk everyday or disclose details of my life but he heard me arguing on the phone and asked me if I was alright and the same after the accident. It's better. Ahh well atleast that happened now... he is going off to uni and moving out for september (most likely).
You know this is fucked.. I want to cry so badly. Like cry like WAIL AND JUST SCREAM AND BAWL my eyes out. I want to do it.. and knowing me who cries ever so easily ... I NEED TO CRY or it will literally make me crazy. I guess I am waiting for that chance where I'm alone. Because obviously if I was to do it now...my family would be like wtf.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
kresblamania vs. the obvious child
I'm trying to study for my midterm tommorow but I have this song from arthur stuck in my head. Forward to 4:46. Turns out the guy who sang for this episode is Art Garfunkle. Who used me part of the infamous duo Simon & Garfunkle. Their music is okay but I liked Paul Simon's solo work especially thing song. It's called the Obvious Child. On my list of life song's (which I need to make a blog post about one day) this is one of the songs.
why deny the obvious child?
post melt down
Today I gave my first fleet enema to a patient!! :)
I was a little taken a back when the nurse asked me...but I did it. An enema is this laxative liquid in a bottle with a lubricated tip. You get the patient to lie on their side, pull up the upper butt cheek to expose the anus, stick the tip up the anus towards the umbilical cord and squeeze the bottle pushing all the medication in. The enema will then induce a bowel movement. After that I managed to shower him. I push him back to his bed and my friend's like is the shower free? Im like yes and I show her my legs. My pants were soaked up to my knees! As I was drying him I told him It looks like i've managed to give you and myself a shower. He's a quiet one. I dried him up. I struggled with briefs (adult diapers..seriously I question how I'm going to do it on my child) so the nurse showed me a tip that was alot easier. Got him dressed. Did his vitals ...helped him with oral care. Got him out for breakfast. And administered his medications. I've gotten the hand of this. Talking to the patient has become alot easier too. Like I mentioed he's quiet but his aphasia is attributed to his Parkinson's disease. So I talk about anything from spring finally coming to hockey to music. But yah I COMPLETED TOTAL CARE BABY! Next wednesday (I have a day long lab again for tuesday) I want to be able to do everything on my own...so that, that way the week after when we changed patients it won't be so difficult adapting to the new form of care I'll be providing to him or her. The only thing I messed up was his bed. LOL I CANNOT make beds if my life depended on it. My nurse yelled at me (in a loving motherly way) so I'm going to practice lol this making bed business over the weekend. It's the most trivial thing too! I'm surprised at how I've adpated to just seeing the human body. Like I was showering an old man, I washed his private parts and even had to wipe his bum after he used the washroom today. The first week was crazy because I was like AHH PENIS!! AHH CACA. Oh man speaking of caca. That's something i need time to getting used to. oh dear god I just pictured it!
Well I should get back to studying.
I was a little taken a back when the nurse asked me...but I did it. An enema is this laxative liquid in a bottle with a lubricated tip. You get the patient to lie on their side, pull up the upper butt cheek to expose the anus, stick the tip up the anus towards the umbilical cord and squeeze the bottle pushing all the medication in. The enema will then induce a bowel movement. After that I managed to shower him. I push him back to his bed and my friend's like is the shower free? Im like yes and I show her my legs. My pants were soaked up to my knees! As I was drying him I told him It looks like i've managed to give you and myself a shower. He's a quiet one. I dried him up. I struggled with briefs (adult diapers..seriously I question how I'm going to do it on my child) so the nurse showed me a tip that was alot easier. Got him dressed. Did his vitals ...helped him with oral care. Got him out for breakfast. And administered his medications. I've gotten the hand of this. Talking to the patient has become alot easier too. Like I mentioed he's quiet but his aphasia is attributed to his Parkinson's disease. So I talk about anything from spring finally coming to hockey to music. But yah I COMPLETED TOTAL CARE BABY! Next wednesday (I have a day long lab again for tuesday) I want to be able to do everything on my own...so that, that way the week after when we changed patients it won't be so difficult adapting to the new form of care I'll be providing to him or her. The only thing I messed up was his bed. LOL I CANNOT make beds if my life depended on it. My nurse yelled at me (in a loving motherly way) so I'm going to practice lol this making bed business over the weekend. It's the most trivial thing too! I'm surprised at how I've adpated to just seeing the human body. Like I was showering an old man, I washed his private parts and even had to wipe his bum after he used the washroom today. The first week was crazy because I was like AHH PENIS!! AHH CACA. Oh man speaking of caca. That's something i need time to getting used to. oh dear god I just pictured it!
Well I should get back to studying.
Linkin park
Linkin park is a band I listened to when I was younger. I feel as I grew their music as grown and evolved. I love this song not because I relate to it (with the relationship status and I think the song applies to something more than a relationship) . The music, the lyrics, their voices...I love it.
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
you can't have your cake & eat it too
I miss him. What's there to elaborate upon? It's fucking pathetic. He's hurt me numerous and looking back on our relationship; Yes he was a good guy. Fuck I remeber when we were hiking and I had to piss. There's no washroom when you're hiking!! So I had to do the old squat-a-roo and luckily we had tissue paper and a water bottle on us. He kept an eye out while I ducked into some shrubs! You really can't do that with any guy. out there... but then there are times when I felt like he consumed so much of my life that he was the only part of it. When him and I were together, we isolated ourselves from friends and even for me a part of my family. He'd be on my case for coming home late from downtown when I went to see my best friend because I won't stay out with him that late. Our last phone conversations on the phone were terrible fights. Some of which consisted of him being drunken. Obscene slurs of offensive words were thrown at me. But what confuses me is why isn't that more of a reason to push myself away from this? If him and I were to get back together I know he's the type who would use the fact that I danced with other guys during our break up against me. I can't make assumptions but from what I've experienced I can conclude that. There must of been something really good about him that despite all the shit he's said and done for me to feel this way.
He always knew how to cheer me up and make me feel better. And apart of me knows I give him way too much credit than he deserves. Another thing I realized is; I jumped into a serious relationship with him so soon after my break up with my ex before that. (1) I didn't give myself the type to collect myself. (2) I didn't give myself the time to learn about him. I've only had two serious experiences of a serious relationship. The first one I never really gotten the appreciation that I deserved. The second he treated me like a princess but it was conditional. Me and him would get along if I constantly give him that attention. If I was spend one day with my friends there would be tension and reprecussion. Oh the vile words he said to me.
Well anyways my blogs are getting repititve I hate that I'm yammering on about him. But I miss him and I should allow myself to miss him. It has only been 4 and a something months. I am doing significantly better.I like going to the gym, school is fucking hectic and I have just about enough time for family and friends. My patient was with his wife, they then divorced and he remarried. They then split up and he ended up getting back with his 1st wife. So his 1st/3rd wife is now deceased but it's just funny the journey life takes you on. Sometimes your pushed in a certain direction to realize something for the better despite how straining it can be. It looks bleak out for the time being but once you cope or once it comes to an end, you are a much stronger and wealthier person than many others. It's just a matter of hanging on tight for the rough ride. Wow... so I went off on a tangent. But I hope those who are reading get what I'm trying to say.
Anyways here's a definition I came across in the 24 Magazine on the bus. Oh man speaking of bus there's this TTC bus driver that I usually see who has the most beautiful piercing blue eyes. gorgeous..and I think it's the TTC uniform (the baby blue) that makes the eyes pop even more!
Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
hahaha and maybe I'm a tad bit jealous but it's fucking annoying see all these damn pictures on facebook of all the valentine's day gifts their boyfriends/girlfriends got them. Otherwise my first valentine's day alone was okay. Spent most of the day stressing over my care plan. Fucking 31 pages and I was sleep deprived. I came home and napped but I've got a migraine regardless. I was the only one to had in my care plan. which was complete. Some people didn't bring whereas other emailed it and the other person who brought it: my partner, hers wasn't complete. And she finished it because I called her and told her our care plans were due this week.
What bothered me is..I'm not a goody to shoe nor do I do anything out of my way to be best and get attention. I follow the rules, do my school works good so that I gain something out of it (fore example: I had a medication exercise to do. I did that good only because I can use that exercise to actually study off of and put into my portfiolio) and reinforce what I state with scholarly references.(this is in specific to my care plan) Now this care plan I gave in yesterday was for my CA2 and the same care plan is being handed in for theory. The theory teacher marks like a bitch. People get really low marks on this assignment Which is why I put so much effort into it for CA2 so that my teacher can look over it (since it's a pass or fail course I just have to basically have it completed), tell me where I went wrong so I can edit it make better for theory.
Anyways I gave her my care plan everyone was like it's so thick how many pages was it? Once again, I'm not trying ot show off or I don't like that attention and I wasn't looking for it. So I don't know I just felt like there was this unwanted attention. Im not sure if many people believe this but when people look at whatever you have in a certain way it's a black mark or a jinx. And I don't know... it made me feel uncomfortable. Another thing that bugs me is why does everyone have to be up in everyone's business? My teacher was going over my care plan. These other two students were standing there listening to my teacher tell me where I need to improve. It's like do you not have the decency to give my some privacy? I mean I guess the teacher could have said something herself too. But ugh whatever.
I need to go the doctor sometime this week to go get the lump checked out. Hopefully it's a pimple or a swollen lymph node. I asked my mom to look at it and she said it looked like a pimple. But I think to be safe I should go check it out at the doctor's this thursday. I went to the gym straight for I'm not sure how many days and my knees being weird. I read online it could be runner's knee but I think I should mention that to my doctor seeing that I'm going there anyways.
Anyways I've gota fuckin midterm this thursday and I need to study. It's so fuckin exhausting trying to study when you have to go the hospital and when you come home your tired. ARGH....I can't wait until thursday's test is done with :)
He always knew how to cheer me up and make me feel better. And apart of me knows I give him way too much credit than he deserves. Another thing I realized is; I jumped into a serious relationship with him so soon after my break up with my ex before that. (1) I didn't give myself the type to collect myself. (2) I didn't give myself the time to learn about him. I've only had two serious experiences of a serious relationship. The first one I never really gotten the appreciation that I deserved. The second he treated me like a princess but it was conditional. Me and him would get along if I constantly give him that attention. If I was spend one day with my friends there would be tension and reprecussion. Oh the vile words he said to me.
Well anyways my blogs are getting repititve I hate that I'm yammering on about him. But I miss him and I should allow myself to miss him. It has only been 4 and a something months. I am doing significantly better.I like going to the gym, school is fucking hectic and I have just about enough time for family and friends. My patient was with his wife, they then divorced and he remarried. They then split up and he ended up getting back with his 1st wife. So his 1st/3rd wife is now deceased but it's just funny the journey life takes you on. Sometimes your pushed in a certain direction to realize something for the better despite how straining it can be. It looks bleak out for the time being but once you cope or once it comes to an end, you are a much stronger and wealthier person than many others. It's just a matter of hanging on tight for the rough ride. Wow... so I went off on a tangent. But I hope those who are reading get what I'm trying to say.
Anyways here's a definition I came across in the 24 Magazine on the bus. Oh man speaking of bus there's this TTC bus driver that I usually see who has the most beautiful piercing blue eyes. gorgeous..and I think it's the TTC uniform (the baby blue) that makes the eyes pop even more!
Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
hahaha and maybe I'm a tad bit jealous but it's fucking annoying see all these damn pictures on facebook of all the valentine's day gifts their boyfriends/girlfriends got them. Otherwise my first valentine's day alone was okay. Spent most of the day stressing over my care plan. Fucking 31 pages and I was sleep deprived. I came home and napped but I've got a migraine regardless. I was the only one to had in my care plan. which was complete. Some people didn't bring whereas other emailed it and the other person who brought it: my partner, hers wasn't complete. And she finished it because I called her and told her our care plans were due this week.
What bothered me is..I'm not a goody to shoe nor do I do anything out of my way to be best and get attention. I follow the rules, do my school works good so that I gain something out of it (fore example: I had a medication exercise to do. I did that good only because I can use that exercise to actually study off of and put into my portfiolio) and reinforce what I state with scholarly references.(this is in specific to my care plan) Now this care plan I gave in yesterday was for my CA2 and the same care plan is being handed in for theory. The theory teacher marks like a bitch. People get really low marks on this assignment Which is why I put so much effort into it for CA2 so that my teacher can look over it (since it's a pass or fail course I just have to basically have it completed), tell me where I went wrong so I can edit it make better for theory.
Anyways I gave her my care plan everyone was like it's so thick how many pages was it? Once again, I'm not trying ot show off or I don't like that attention and I wasn't looking for it. So I don't know I just felt like there was this unwanted attention. Im not sure if many people believe this but when people look at whatever you have in a certain way it's a black mark or a jinx. And I don't know... it made me feel uncomfortable. Another thing that bugs me is why does everyone have to be up in everyone's business? My teacher was going over my care plan. These other two students were standing there listening to my teacher tell me where I need to improve. It's like do you not have the decency to give my some privacy? I mean I guess the teacher could have said something herself too. But ugh whatever.
I need to go the doctor sometime this week to go get the lump checked out. Hopefully it's a pimple or a swollen lymph node. I asked my mom to look at it and she said it looked like a pimple. But I think to be safe I should go check it out at the doctor's this thursday. I went to the gym straight for I'm not sure how many days and my knees being weird. I read online it could be runner's knee but I think I should mention that to my doctor seeing that I'm going there anyways.
Anyways I've gota fuckin midterm this thursday and I need to study. It's so fuckin exhausting trying to study when you have to go the hospital and when you come home your tired. ARGH....I can't wait until thursday's test is done with :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
relapse
I was reading my old conversations on msn with him.
Reading ...reading... moments of aww... moments of I miss him....
moments of farting (i had ALOT of beans in my salad for lunch)...more reading....
scroll down to the end... the last message he left me was:
yeah...err..i deleted some of the exclaimation marks. Bah.. thanks dude...just what I needed to realize why we were so messed up.
Anyways I'm off to the gym. Gah I'm stupid I shouldn't have read those chat logs.. but I kinda...miss him. AHDADJBDJBAJSBAKJB someone punch me in the ass! =\
(1) to stop the farting
(2) the excruiating pain will make me stop thinking about him and think about the pain
Reading ...reading... moments of aww... moments of I miss him....
moments of farting (i had ALOT of beans in my salad for lunch)...more reading....
scroll down to the end... the last message he left me was:
| BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
yeah...err..i deleted some of the exclaimation marks. Bah.. thanks dude...just what I needed to realize why we were so messed up.
Anyways I'm off to the gym. Gah I'm stupid I shouldn't have read those chat logs.. but I kinda...miss him. AHDADJBDJBAJSBAKJB someone punch me in the ass! =\
(1) to stop the farting
(2) the excruiating pain will make me stop thinking about him and think about the pain
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Rihanna S&M and my contradicting thoughts
My friend has been talking a lot about dominatrix and sexuality evolving in music videos. Especially in regards to Rihanna's new music video S&M. I was too disgusted, confused and sort of disturbed to post it on my blog. =\
Here are my thoughts that seem to be arguing with each other.
(1) There's nothing wrong with Rihanna's video. A women should be allowed to explore and express her sexuality.
(2) She pushed it well beyond the limits.
(3) There should have been some limitations but IF Rihanna followed the norms of abiding to those limitations her video would have been another music video of this day and age. She wants to go beyond that and get that attention. Why? Because attention=money
(4) Looks a lot like Gaga's work
(5) Me just talking about it right now fuels what Rihanna wanted in the first place...attention and publicity. Well it's such a cheap trick anyways...
(6) My friend was talking about the video just gives off the wrong idea to impressionable young girls. It's just disturbing because there was a scene where she is just lying there mangled on a table as a group of men walk away. There was also another scene where a black lady was taped up to the wall with duct tape across her month and you can see she's resisting and rihanna kisses her :S I was repulsed ugh..
(7) BUT once again the thought pops up in my head...that's rihanna's sexuality and she's expressing it
(8) BUT if she's a celebrity she should have some discretion to those who are viewing it right? I mean if she was thinking about her fans when she left Chris brown after being in an abusive relationship shouldn't she then think about the thought she's implanting in those young girls with a video like this? I know I can't compare the two matters because an abusive relationship is different to her video. But her video can lead to really crappy outcomes. ugh
LOL as u can see I’m a little conflicted on this. In general, the video was stupid and crap. However, it brings up some good clashing points that a lot of girls face; Sexuality vs. traditional norms. Nowadays, some women are more open about their sexuality. Whereas, there's always this power struggle on whether we should express it or not because we fear what the outcome is (what people will think or say). We also are anxious that it's wrong to have done what we've done. I know I've got the shame despite writing all of this. So her video regardless of the vulgarity... makes me think of some points. I guess there is a limit. You can share and express certain aspects of your sexuality nevertheless there's limitation. Like I'm not going to sit here and share all the details of my sex life and the various positions and crazy things I've done.
This is also how I see it, our minds need to be constantly stimulated. Once something that entertains us has expired in its amusement we throw it away. Think of a baby throwing a way a toy she out grows. The same applies here. There was first that black and white era where kissing was a taboo! As years progressed we began seeing a women’s breast, butt and a man’s penis or butt. Now it’s come to the point where our mind has been stimulated enough of the sex and it’s naughtiness. We’ve out grew that. That’s SO yesterday! Seeing this on screen is the new taboo. Because just like parents and adults were telling there children not to watch the black and white movies because of the kissing some time ago… this is what’s happening now. (The above can be applied to violence as well)
From the looks of it we're regressing and/or media is trying to tap into the primitive parts of our brain with the hyper sexuality and excessive violence. By regressing, I mean what else did we do when we were cavemen/cavemens.. men hunted, violently fought over the women, pulled the female by her hair over to a corner and had sex with her whether she liked it or not. Trying to tap into our brain by making videos with excessive sex and violence as a form of escaspism telling us that it's okay to feel a certain way because it's innate and primitive.
But what makes us different from the cave people is our sense of evolvement and control. Now alot of adults can have a sense of maturity and grasp when it comes to limits but do children and teenagers? Nope.. so why expose them to this.
LOL I know i know i'm probably all over the place and possibly contradicted myself a few times but hmm just having my moment of thinking. Talk about a long brain fart....its like those long explosive farts where oen comes right after the other. BOOM BOOM BANG!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Oh Hey It's February!
I'm am frikken counting down to the days when some good weather hits. And yes I type this as Toronto is under some Severe Storm watch. ARGH! I've never loathed winter as much as I did now. Last night Jojo was so noisy...I don't know what in God's name he was doing but I just changed his tank water last night so he was restless and making all these noises.
For the past few nights I've been having these fucked up dreams about my him. (Not jojo... him) Well for a good amount of time I had dreams that we were still in the relationship even though in reality we weren't. Most of this week have consisted hostile and even violent dreams.
Dream #1: I had a dream that he passed away so when I asked his sister what had happened. He told me he had emphysema. Somehow we were at their house but it didn't look like their house it was the hospital I do my clinicals at. Anyways he walked into the room and he looked so skinny (like the kind of skinny you get when you are ill) and asked what I was doing here. I lied to cover up the fact we were talking bout him and said we were studying for anatomy. And then he said some stuff trying to get me jealous...which didn't work. Dream ended.
Dream #2: Me and him have gotten back together but I was still a little unsure of things and so it was akward. We were at the movies he comes back from what I thought was the washroom but tells me instead how he stabbed his sister in law. At this point I was freaking out on whether she was okay, why he did it and if his niece saw. So when I ran through the movie theatre looking for her I couldn't find her. But the police was already at the theatre. I sat with the group of investigators. At one point he walked by and saw me sitting with the police. So I was thinking to myself how I'd have to change my identity and gfet my family to move because he will be under the impression I ratted him out to the police but I didn't even though I was filled with so much guilt. Then there was a dream transisition.
Dream #3: Him and I were back together but it wasn't the same as it used to be. We weren't all lovey dovey or even happy to be with each other. There was this distance, estrangement and once again bitter akwardness. Neither of us didn't have time for each other because of our differing schedules. We were at a diner eating breakfast and I told him you know we should make some time to see each other. And when I said it, I felt like I was reaching out for him and putting in the work and being needy. Im not sure if you get what I mean but yeah the dream ended.
Weird right? I've got work to do and I'm being super lazy. Today is my lab from 1:30-7:30 pm. FRIKKEN 6 hours! I didn't have to go to the hospital today though. Thankfully, February is a short and painful month so it will be over before I know it. hahaha I say that with such frikken optimism. I just want my spring break...I hate all this work and I hate this damn weather. I want sunshine!! Okay I'm done being the whiney baby..gonna go jog on my treadmill and do some exercises to release this stress. Yum :)
For the past few nights I've been having these fucked up dreams about my him. (Not jojo... him) Well for a good amount of time I had dreams that we were still in the relationship even though in reality we weren't. Most of this week have consisted hostile and even violent dreams.
Dream #1: I had a dream that he passed away so when I asked his sister what had happened. He told me he had emphysema. Somehow we were at their house but it didn't look like their house it was the hospital I do my clinicals at. Anyways he walked into the room and he looked so skinny (like the kind of skinny you get when you are ill) and asked what I was doing here. I lied to cover up the fact we were talking bout him and said we were studying for anatomy. And then he said some stuff trying to get me jealous...which didn't work. Dream ended.
Dream #2: Me and him have gotten back together but I was still a little unsure of things and so it was akward. We were at the movies he comes back from what I thought was the washroom but tells me instead how he stabbed his sister in law. At this point I was freaking out on whether she was okay, why he did it and if his niece saw. So when I ran through the movie theatre looking for her I couldn't find her. But the police was already at the theatre. I sat with the group of investigators. At one point he walked by and saw me sitting with the police. So I was thinking to myself how I'd have to change my identity and gfet my family to move because he will be under the impression I ratted him out to the police but I didn't even though I was filled with so much guilt. Then there was a dream transisition.
Dream #3: Him and I were back together but it wasn't the same as it used to be. We weren't all lovey dovey or even happy to be with each other. There was this distance, estrangement and once again bitter akwardness. Neither of us didn't have time for each other because of our differing schedules. We were at a diner eating breakfast and I told him you know we should make some time to see each other. And when I said it, I felt like I was reaching out for him and putting in the work and being needy. Im not sure if you get what I mean but yeah the dream ended.
Weird right? I've got work to do and I'm being super lazy. Today is my lab from 1:30-7:30 pm. FRIKKEN 6 hours! I didn't have to go to the hospital today though. Thankfully, February is a short and painful month so it will be over before I know it. hahaha I say that with such frikken optimism. I just want my spring break...I hate all this work and I hate this damn weather. I want sunshine!! Okay I'm done being the whiney baby..gonna go jog on my treadmill and do some exercises to release this stress. Yum :)
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