Welcome to Lala Land

I've been overwhelmed with all these drugs, dosages, adverse effeccts, indications for use. It's amazing what these tiny round things can do the human body. It supresses or instigates reactions that are hyperactive or unreactive... whatever works for you. Sometimes drugs will mimic chemicals in your body that your body lacks. Like for example in Parkinson's Disease there's less dopamine (think of dopamine as what slows you down) and more AcH (speeds you up) which is why there is more tremors with those who have PD. And we just cant give a patient extra dopamine. Why? because the human body is the most frikken amazing thing to exist on this very planet. Our body has barriers the blood brain barrier is one of them. It's this highly intricate and restrcited check point that only certain things can pass. AND unfortunately our brain may need dopamine but it can't get through the blood brain barrier from the external world. So scientists went ahead an created this drug called levodopa which easily crosses the blood-brain barrier and restores that dopamine level. But here's the thing... your taking in levodopa through your mouth, into your GI tract...So many chemicals and enzyme will want to attack it so it can be metabolized. If it's metabolized then the effectiveness is decreased right? Which means we'd haveto administer higher dosages of Levodopa which can be expensive and toxic! So there's this other cool drug called Carbidopa which works with levodopa. Carbidopa is like a body guard protects Levodopa from getting metabolized or inhibited by vitamin B6!! (gosh im a little too excited) So that way there is an appropriate amount of dopamine available for the brain.

Another interesting one I came across:
Percocet it's a mix of oxycodone and tylenol. It's a highly addictive pain killer. (picture above( It's interesting reading about all of these drugs because you see what differing effects they have on your body and how each drug is different in how your body will handle it. frikken fascinating! :| some of these stuff are highly addictive they are locked up in a cabinet in our med carts. You have to intial an extra form when administering the medications (as a nurse). And you want to know the BEST part of it all...we consume these drugs, crappy food and alcohol on a daily basis and your liver cleans it out! Your liver decides okay we don't need these I'm going to flush you out with the urine. And what sucks is when your old..your liver slows down so sometimes there will be drugs still circulating in your blood. Which is why older patients are prone to drug toxicity, hence lower dosage prescribed for them. So appreciate your liver...eat Broccoli!

And ANOTHER thing. Candy companies should really stop making candies that look alot like these pills. =| I never realized it and I'm sure the bottles that these pills come in are shut but if it gets in the wrong toddler who thinks it's candy... alot of shit can go down my home fries. Okay I really should go back to my drug exercises. FACK! so much to do!!

hectic

I'm uber exhausted. Tuesdays, wednesdays and thursdays suck all the energy out of me like a ...uhmm I'm going to stop midway at that simile. Even as I type this I should be reviewing some stuff for this study group I'm attending tommorow but hmm I'm not. Basically our school offers free tutoring for hard courses and well nursing theory 2 is one of them especially with the med. dosage calculations.
So today instead of going to the Y, I went to the gym at my school with my friend seeing that I had a break from 11:30-3:30. My two friends and I signed up for SALSA CLASSES. =| hmmm this is going to be interesting. Ahh well it would be fun form of exercising.
I finally did my eyebrows lol a unibrow was coming in. No exagerration but it's just you couldn't see it hardcore. ho hum. Can you believe that it's like 9:45 and I'm already tired. Shit I feel old..my grandpa goes to bed later than me! haha.
Ahh shiet.. so tommorow I've got Sick Kids and then from there I'm going to school for the tutoring. Come home eat/chill for a bit and go to the gym with the momma. This weekend is going to be all about meds. Dude I've been suppose to get on the med. stuff since last week but they keep ambushing us with work after work on meds. It makes sense they want us to be thorough on tiny capsules (and other forms that drugs come in) that can seriously kill you if adminstered wrong :P. Even this tuesday instead of clinicals we have a lab from 1:00-7:30 pm =|. Of course we're get breaks but ahakfhsaklfklsaskdsklahsklahd!
It's exhausting I just want that time to just lie in bed and be like AHHHH!! nothing to worry about la-dee-frikken-da-da. And I guess that's why I kinda wanted the Dominican experience but oh well. I guess my me time is when I go to the gym. Ahh there's nothing better than that natural high your body gets from the surge of endorphins after a work out.
But I've got to admit I like going to bed and waking up early. It feels like my day is longer. Well nothing really interesting has happened to me other than that. I mean my high points are at the hospital. I like it but I'm scared to admit that so openly because I don't want anything going wrong and that being taken away(hope that made sense:S). My patients are sweet but it can be hectic at times! It's especially crazyfirst thing in the morning where everyone is just running around trying to get thing organized. It's also a good experience because you realize that pain,aging and ultimately death is inevitable in a very direct way. Some may say they don't fear death ( I even say that) but to get to death we must suffer pain, can we stand that? This pain includes not being in control of your mind, not being incontrol of your bowels and having to manage the pains and aches. That's aging losing that sense of control over our body. How can we prolong it? Maintaing our bodies now. To get to death we must withstand loosing the ones you love. Going through hell and back and suffering their loss. Can we stand that? of course not, we would be crushed. But you realize that this is frikken life. It's sad watching my patient just gape at the wall with his mouth open, occasionally staring at me and everything inside him just seems so vacant. But then there are those moments that just warm you up like their sweet smiles, witty jokes and caring remarks. I was helping a nurse change a patient's diaper. She needed to go get a basin of water. As I waited for her , I was off in my own world. I must of had my overwhelmed look on my face (you all know how sometimes my emotions are clearly pasted on my face) because that's exactly what I was thinking about how am I going to be able to get a hold of this so that it's a norm? My patient was sitting there with his ass covered in shit, legs up with his knees bent. I mean I would be terribly uncomfortable but despite all odds HE asks ME what's wrong. ?!?!? I was taken a back and my train of thought vanished. I smiled at him and said nothing. All I can say is God bless his soul.
Loss is another aspect. Patients die. I mean it's a known fact, you read about it, you hear about it and you see it on TV! But when it happens...it's totally different. Yes I entered into clinicals thinking: it's a long term care unit, they are old and they are near death., they are eventually going to die. No prior mental preparation is going to actually set the reality of death and old age in general. We just gotta sit their and enjoy the ride, but of course no mental preparation is going to help you just gotta get used it I guess.

Kardinal Offishall - The Anthem

ey!
Where ya from?
Canada!

gym

so I went to my first muscle works abs and back class at the Y. The instructor is pretty good looking and uhm the chick in front of me was in a cute tiny workout outift and she was wearing FALSE EYELASHES! After a few exercises she pick at her butt crack. why? because she was wearing a thong. Bahh and I was standing behind her LOL. Now I do have a friend who wears false eyelashes everywhere she goes because she used it and she has tiny eyelashes. But her false eyelashes are subtle this was some brulesque shit man! ahh well can't hate on her.. she was pretty.
Anyways the class was fucking intense. He's always making the class on the go and gives you oppurtunities to do moves that are more difficult. At one point the guy beside was like oh fuck because of the pain me and the girl beside me laughed because we were thinking the same thing.He wanted us to do something like the plank but before and after each modified plank position we had to do push ups! PUSH UPS! and for the last set he made us hold ourselves in the push up position. It was so frikken crazy! But I've neveer been pushed or worked out like that in such a long time so I loved the class. I dont really feel it as much in by abdominal as much as I do in my back. I never work out the muscles in my back, I never found a reason to. To make matters worse before my muscle works class I went with my mom to her aquafit class.
Ever wonder why the old people in aquafit are moving so slow? no it's not because they are old...it's because of the resistance in the water! Well I woke up early I dont even know why so I'm going to do some work, go to the gym and then I'm going out in the evening with a friend just don't know where as of yet especially with the weather. I watcehd No strings attached last night it was a good movie. The comicals jokes actually made the inevietbale predictable ending better. But there was this one cute line that was just awww and mushy like mashed potatoes. He was like "well I'm going to warn you if you come any closer I'm NEVER letting you go" aww :) bahahaha

sucks

it would have been our 2 year anni.
oh well...the show must go on.
quality not quantity ..right?

crazy antics

bah so much to tell, so much to write and yet so lazy.
Im in love with the patients at my placement. They are just so adorable! There's this one patient who screams as if he's dying everytime he has a bowel movement(bm). The first time it happened I freaked out I thought there was something wrong. He has stones in his bladder (he's going for surgery monday to get the removed) so I thought it was in relation to that. Anyways I thought something was wrong and I run to get my nurse (who sucks by the way) and she goes oh don't worry he's just having a bowel movement. Everytime this man poops... he yells like he's in labour! NO EXAGERRATION :| I'm still not used to it! So my nurse was dispensing the medications and this other patient (who I just love!) was sitting there in his wheel chair by us. He loves the attention, you know he was a lady's man in his younger years and so he was just chilling. So the BM patient was having another bm and started yelling. Lol my nurse goes Ah he's having another bm he likes letting the whole world know he's having a bm. The other patient who was just sitting there was like tell me about it! (hahah he shares the same room with him). The moment my nurse said that I thought to myself I guess this is the karma I'm repaying for letting people know about when I need to poo. Bahahaha. The BM patient is also very touchy. Not only did he touched my nurse's butt but also poked my teacher in the stomach. LOL :S The "chilling" patient is my gosh such a charmer. He says to me you look mixed..like me! Well that was a first. They are so sweet and flattering.
This morning we were having a meeting before our shift. So we're all just sitting there going over the charts. One of the patients she comes out of her room. Now people please visualize this to get the full effect. An old white pale lady, in a white gown, white hair with a hunch back walking out of a dim lit room. LOL :| yeah I was startled for a bit but she's so adorable. She has this irsih accent and she's like "you guys woke me up!" and one of the nurses' was like "well we're getting started on work" and she replies "who's going to make me my coffee?" she's adorable. I had to help her pee. Not only did I see an old mans penis but also an elderly vagina. Oh man people things do not get pretty when we get old. Everything just droops south! :|
Then there's my sweetheart. He's very quiet, you can tell he's very humble but despite his old age he's still got that charming smile. He's got parkinson's disease but likes to eat on his own. He used to be a mailman.
I also saw my nurse give an enema today. OH MY GOSH! and after that my nurse had to use a hoyer lift to lift another patient onto the toilet...and the minute his butt his the commode he pooped...while i was there!! I couldn't get the smell out of me. Like I smelt it everywhere I went. Oh and the chilling patient let me take his BP and I got ~120 for systolic and I was close because when I did his BP on the automatic machine it was 124. I couldn't hear this diastolic.
My nurses ucks, she does everything too fast and doesn't teach. She off to break by 9 am (we start at 7:30 mind you) whereas my partner's nurse is getting taught and questioned on drugs. I was like *gasp* when she asked my partner what lasix was. My nurse also gives attitude to not only me, to other nurses and even my clinical teacher. My teacher was on the computer typing out drugs, my nurse goes and closes her word document with out say anything. My teacher was just like :S. Besides the nurse, I've got a great teacher and the students I'm working with are awesome. My partner and I have been in the same lab since first semester. Hence why we're partners. The teacher and us blend quite well. She's so laid back and is more about teaching and not getting things done or getting marks. She even said I'm not here to fail you I just want you to get a good feel for this setting. She works in the med-surg part of her hospital so like alot of players from the Raptor's and even Drake's mom was in that unit. She's told us story about having a patient who had a broom up his butt. Talk about Harry Potter gone wrong. =\
School seems to be first place right now in the race of life. My other focus is going to the gym with my mom. As for him, I think about him quite often. Can't help but wonder how he's doing and what's going on with him. I also can't help but wonder how things would be if he was in my life right now. But one thing is for sure there are so many ways you can just meet people in the hospital itself. The cute guy who fills the med-carts with drugs smiled at me today :) so just saying...not going to hop in a boat with a guy and sail of into the sunset. I do miss him and his company but like the Dalai Lama (the dude is awesome!) tweeted today: Mutual respect is the foundation of genuine harmony. And mutual respect is and was lacking (on BOTH OUR PARTS).

dr

So I didn't get a call back for the Dominican republic and I was suppose to hear back by Jan 14th. And yeah I get it there's plenty of other oppurtunities but I couldn't help but hope that this works out. It seemed like the interview went well so when I realized I didn't get it I kept rewinding to the itnerview and thinking of what I did wrong and where I could have done something better. This oppurtunity should not make me feel like a failure but it sort of does. I feel everything I attempt at for the first try always is a fail. It would have been such an honour to volunteer abroad especially with my college. But I guess I'm probably going to on my own once I'm done college. I'm happy with the two eggs in my nest right now: Sunnybrook and Sick Kids. :) Dominican would have been amazing and I would have used nothing but my full potential to benefit the expedition. However, it didn't work out so I guess I should focus on what I have and not take it for granted. The DalaiLama tweeted this today:
"With the realization of ones own potential and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world"

what a weird night...

I want to put on a snowsuit(one that covers me from head to toe) and jump into the snow. Roll around, make a snowman and go tobogonaning. But then I realized I would probably scare all the children because I'd look like some monster jumping up and down, squealing in the snow...by myself. :P
Well I went to bed at 10 pm and woke up at 8. Finished off an assignment that is not due until the week after this one. It's weird going to bed early because I'd wake up in the middle of the night, look at the clock and see that it's 1:30 am. I'd then think to myself..."it's only 1:30 am?!" So now I'm off to work.

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go.

mhm

Well I'm not a Canadiens fan on a count that it would be total betrayal to Leafs (even if they aren't the best). BUT HIM...mmm mmm mmm





And this was a nice shot last night by Raymonds of the Vancouver Canucks.

day 1 :)

patient: what day is it today? Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? what day is it today?
nurse: It's wednesday
Our teacher introduces us to the nurse and we go on to look at the unit.
patient: well look at all these beautiful ladies.
nurse: now don't go and charm them.

such a cute old man :)
i really like the hospital. I thought I'd be placed at a retirement home but we are at the hospital just at the long term care facility. Some of my classmates even got to be placed in the Wound care unit at their hospitals. Pretty cool.
Well now it's time to eat, sleep, homework and then gym @ 7 since I have to take my mom for her personal training.

bad dreams

I had 2 bad dreams last night:

1. I fell down in this crowd and a rat crawled on my face
2. I was climbing up this wall..and when you reach the top you need to pull out three bricks at the top. I reached the top but didn't because this sniper came started shooting at me. So I jumped to the ground and started running for cover. He didnt shoot any of my other family members just me. But he ended up not shooting me.

I woke up to:
Him and I were shopping and he goes up to this dress. That's the dress I wanted to show him in the first place but he seems to be looking at it as well.

I fell asleep around 9:45 pm and I've been remember waking up at looking at the clock at 11:30, 12:00, 3:00 and so when I woke up at 5 I decided to get out of bed. My alarams about to go off at 5:40 anyways. Last night when I was getting my stuff ready from school I got a private call. Couldn't help but wonder if it was him. :S I guess it could have be anyone but I don't know. The fact I'm starting clinicals and everything just seemed so put together I couldn't help but wonder why couldn't he have been here? Either way it's not like him and I would get along. Hmm yeah I should stop fretting and go take a shower. I've got my first day at clinicals today at Sunnybrook Hospital. :)

phone

my cell phone has been fixed.
fact 1: don't know if it's actually been fixed or if its going to screw up again.
fact 2: thank god I was frikken annoyed using my brothers old chunkalunka phone.
question 1: is this symbolical?
fact 3: the first question i asked him was is everything that was saved on the phone still there? Apparently it's still there.
thought 1: I think it's best I delete everything that's on that phone. ho hum :( dont really want to...

hmmm my cell phone has suffered alcohol poisoning due to the tequilla but let's hope it works.

dog days

A day ago I'd still be sleeping at this time (10:30 AM). My GOSH! I know I know I'm being a whiney baby. So my clinical placement is at Sunnybrook Hospital! hehehehehe I'm excited. I still have to figure out how I will get there and what not because I have to be there at 7-7:15 am. Clinicals start at 7:30 am. Shit! All those years in high school where I'd grumpily mumble to my friends in morning or sleeping in to getting every minute of sleep has come back to HAUNT me. Ahh well..it's all part of the "game". err right...why do I even say things like that? WHY?!
So I'm sitting on my bed waiting for my tea to steep. I remember driving by Sunnybrook in the spring/summer with my ex. I honestly think the area is gorgeous I even remember telling him I'd want to live there because of course at that time I thought we were gonna get married and have kids. Times have changed but I still would love to work there and live in that area. It would be so cute to have a nice little apartment and the area is so comfortable yet modern. There are really nice restaurents in that area.
So my friend's clinical teacher is effin HOTT! My TA from last semester has NOTHING on him. This guy is hands down gorgeous :| You will wonder like wow really?! So we all were standing there to meet our teachers and he walks up to our group and he's like anyone in section 19 come with me. He turns and leads the group of students, my friend nudges me with a face that's trying to conceal her smile and big bulging eyes. I mouthed word "dayyyyyyyuumm" to her. Hahahah she's lucky. But I told her (because we saw him walk by earlier) if you see a good looking male nurse automatically assume he's unavailable because it's just something rare to come by and any girl will snatch that up like a barcuda would eat a fresh piece of meat. My clinical teacher is pretty cool. She's laid back and is sympathetic to us as students. She's actually in the surgical field so basically every and any type of surgeries will happen on her unit at the hospital. I guess as time passes this semester I can ask her how she finds it because I am considering the OR. Right now Pediatrics is plan a ...maternity & OR are tied for Plan B.
Today was just the basic intro at our school. We just went over our outline and introducing ourselves. Tommorow we are at the hospital, probably take a tour and once again another orientation. Turns out I'm not there from 8:30-6:30 pm like my schedule said. I'll be done by 1:30 pm so that's not bad :)
So tuesdays and wednesdays I'm at Sunnybrook hospital. Thursdays I have theory 2 & a lab . Friday I'm volunteering at Sick Kids Hospital. Fun...funn...FUN! Tonight me and my mom are going to the gym. She has a personal training appointment for 7 so I might as well go to the gym and exercise while she has her class. I really don't want to push myself to loose weight and come to a certain number especially with the stress(good and bad stress) from school, I don't want to further pressure myself. I am happy with my body and I think I am slowly beginning to accept it's flaws and all but it wouldn't hurt me to be healthy.Nevertheless, ever since the break up I've picked up on some bad habits. Eating out (god get your mind out of the gutter), not flossing (yeah I'm really anal about flossing and it's importance), not exercising, skipping breakfast (there are days I wont eat until 3 pm...only because I'd wake up at 12 and not be hungry but yeah my mom thought I was anorexic or something and yelled at me.. i know i know it's really unhealthy), and going to bed and waking up at odd hours. So I want to change all that. I started off by beginning to floss again and brushing my teeth twice a day. The gym I just started yesterday. Lol I ate breakfsat this morning and I probably will continute that because I'd die at the hospitals without having breakfast. Eating out is something I need to work on. I used to cook when I was with my ex for myself and him. Which saved myself and him alot of money. But since then I kind of relied on fast food or Subway. As for my sleeping habits; wow did I ever fuck with them. I abused my circadian rhythm ever since this past summer and I really need to get a fixed schedhule on that. But yeah like I said these are things that I'd want to slowly change but I don't intend on pressuring myself to do so. I know that if I push myself too much I will give up more quickly and easily.

CLINICALS,BABY, HERE I FRIKKEN COME!

So 1/3 of me is still dreading the anguish I will endure of waking early to get to school. But I went out today got my textbooks and my nursing uniforms (scrubs). And well now I'm frikken excited! It's going to be a tough transisition but I can't wait.
Unforuatnately, I spoke to a friend today and she told me she won't be going to clinicals this semester. A few friends have been pushed back from clinicals but when I heard that she was one of them. I couldn't help but feel a sense of grief. Me, my other friend and this friend were very close. We studied together, shared notes, went out together and shared our problems with school and lives with each other. To hear that she's not with us for this semester is a bummer. She's still at school but of course different classes, different times, and different priorities. I just hope we all still stay in touch. ho hum
My mom got her bathing suit today and she will be off to doing auqafit at the Y. hehehe She was very self-conscious and nervous and she still is. But it's all for her best. While I wait for her I'll probably exercise for 1/2 hr.
Green Earth is closing up at the mall so everything was 50% off. I've been looking for this frame where it's like you can put multple pictures in slots that are going horizontal and vertical and the frames are connected. A few of my friends have that frame up in their rooms. Well anyways, I got one. At home sense a smaller version was going for $34.99 and at Green Earth its $30. I got mine for $15! Oh and at the center it says "Live Laugh Love" I love it. I also got this Buddha plaque it's like 3D. You hang it up on the wall and it's just his eyes which are are closed with a golden tear drop bindhi. I love it. I need to get photos to put in the photo frames. I have 8 slots.

downtown bound

I want to dance :)

Saturday Night Live - Jim Carrey Black Swan Parody Skit [HQ]

Jim Carrey + SNL+ Black Swan = Hilarity
Black Swan was a good movie... creepy and crazy but good :)

list

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Jewish_actors


holy crap :|

Jewish

Seriously, alot of these comedians that I seem to think are frikken hilarious and good looking are Jewish. Jay Baruchel, Seth Green, Seth Rogen, Zach Braff, Jason Segel, Paul Rudd, Ben Stiller and James Franco like what is going on here?! :| hahaha nothing wrong with it but damn. The funny thing is alot of them work in movies together. Well not sure about Zach Braff and Seth Green...but others yeah so hmm it kind of makes sense.
Pineapple express was amazingly funny. I loved it! Seth Rogen is like a giant sexy gerber baby :)

Pineapple Express 4 minute clip HD

therapist

I went to temple yesterday. I saw this couple who were young and it reminded me of the times him and I used to go to the temple together. I drifted off into my own world remincising about the past and I caught myself doing something. I was rubbing my left ring finger!(the wedding ring finger). Rubbing (like in a massaging way) in the sense of it being between my right thumb and index finger. Nothing sexual behind it, it's just a nervous habit I have. Usually I clench to three of my fingers(ring, middle and pointinf finger) when I'm nervous but clearly there was some unconscious thinking behind what I was doing. :| lol I caught myself doing that and gasped. The couple turned around and I just looked away. Oh my GOSH I'm going to turn into the crazy cat lady.
Oh yes and I woke up this morning from another dream. I woke up from this dream with an empty, gut wrneching feeling. At this point I was frustrated and could not take the fact this was going on and on. It's really annoying have to wake up from dreams of him for one week consecutively. I've had dreams of him before but they weren't one after the other. *sigh* So I googled it. Here was a good response it incoporated my spiritual beliefs too:

"This is normal because the subconscious keeps energies which are released from the conscious mind. Thus even if the conscious mind decides to give up something or to remove it from the mind, the subconscious will, more than likely, keep that as a memory which will trigger dreams and related considerations in the future. Sometimes after days, weeks or years, such a memory comes up or a dream that is related is experienced.
There is another way to look at this, and that is that your psyche has stockpiles of unfinished relationships which it would like to complete. Thus it will take an opportunity to fulfill these either in the physical world or in the dream (astral) world.
This is not restricted to just what happens in one life time. In fact sometimes one meets a person in a dream whom one had a relationship in a previous life and in that dream experience one is drawn into an agreeable or disagreeable relationship in the dream based on the previous relationship.
Two persons who have a karmic bond or a subconscious need to be together for one reason or the other, based on this or that attraction, are likely to meet repeatedly in dreams in an effort to sort out the relationship.
This may be done by the subconscious mind even if the conscious mind has renounced or forgotten about the relationship. Both persons have subconscious minds which might be communicating even if there is no attempt to do so consciously.
Stately frankly, this means that a part of your psyche might transcend your detachment and that part will meet with the other person who also has such a subconscious need. This is easy to manifest in the realm of dreams, the realm of astral existence.
This devastation or emotional trauma and the resulting mourning, would have reinforced the subconscious impression and thus this itself is the big part of the present dream experience. Such situations lead on until one takes another body and can meet that person and be again in the same type of relationship as before, just as if you were reading an interesting book, stopped on page 98 and then continued from page 99 at the next session for reading.
More than likely, providence will be sure to put you and the said person together again in a future life. Whatever tension was there at the time of parting, must still exists as a psychic energy in the universe and so providence will act to relieve it by putting you together again, but the present dreams are the initial effort of that providence.
You could take those opportunities to settle out this relationship and to heal the damaged part of your psyche which was traumatized when you separated."
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/psychic-paranormal/29998-keep-dreaming-about-ex-boyfriend-years-ago.html

The above posting was a response to a women having dreams about someone she was in a relationship that ended a very long time ago. I read on to other posts to find out it's normal. Other posts said that I need to clarify with myself on whether this you have feelings for him or not. Of course I still have feelings for him but that doesn't mean I want to be with him. Maybe I kind of do? :S But see the thought of him and I getting abck to gether gives me that repulse feelings. I don't want to be with him or anyoen for hte matter. Yes I get lonely and it can be tought getting used to this but I'm good in the hood :) If that makes any sense. Maybe it's a combination of both missing being in a relationship and the feelings I still have for him. I'm tired of these damns crash & blows. At moments I'd feel like I'm doing so great for myself and then something gets in my way. Once him and I broke up, for weeks I could not sleep until 4 am. Afterwards I began sleeping on time. BUT eventually HE started coming up in my dreams. :S I told my friend and she said you probably have some unresolved issues to take care of. I told her what unresolved issues are there to take care of? He treated me like crap, I couldn't take it any more and the end? There's nothing to discuss with him. I have nothing to apologize for. The only thing is, is probably when I bitched at him...but even then what he did to me 10 times as worse compared to my moody bitching. ho hum. Maybe these dreams will pass once school starts and I have other distractions?

Well besides my emotions flying over the place. AHH HA! Maybe meditating before bed will help clear my mind?! I should try that. Yeah that idea just came in my head as I was typing. Anyways besides all my emotions. I'm actually excited to get back to school. Yes I'm a little nervous but I'm looking forward to it =) I've got alot of work but I got keep myself caught up and not let myself fall behind! The key to surviving this semester is keeping up to date with your paperwork. We have alot of care plans, feed back log sheets, drug cards, assignments (not like essays) and of course my favourite (note: sarcasm) lab tests. UGH! The second week of school we already have a returned demo (lab test) on vital signs. Thankfully I've practiced my bp over time but I should do it some more.

I hear from the interviewers regarding the Domincan Republic Expedition by the 14th. Oh Gosh I hope I get it. :) It would be amazing to have such an experience and help out. But hmm we'll see how that goes.

Oh dear god

Those who know me very well and watched these video.. KNOW that me and him WOULD hit it off. LOL ok im done with my crazy psycho-stalking fan talk. So I'm finishing up the last episode of Undeclared. I plan on watching Tropic Thunder, Fanboys and Million Dollar Baby for reasons you all should know why.
I managed to sign my family up for a family plan at the YMCA. Hopefully this will help my mom loose the weight and manage the pain for sometime. That way she can get the knee surgery a little bit later on in life.
I do start clinicals next week but luckily the orientation is happening up at my school. I freaked out once I read the e-mail this morning. I don't feel prepared. So I've got to get my scrubs and my textbook, arrange my binder and look over the assignments. I've also got to set a fixed schedhule of going to the gym. I was thinking mornings but I'm not quite sure how that would go.
Tonight I'm going to the temple with the family. I still have not gone since the new year.
It dawned upon me that the next few days are gonna be my last ... no more laying bed all day watching tv off the net, no more tequilla shots, no more clubs, no more being lazy and not giving a rats ass about the day. aww jojo just yawned it was so cute. Anyways, my holidays are coming to an end. My friends from school got in contact with me and they wanted to do something tomorow. So that's a maybe.
I've come up with an agreement. Everytime I come in contact with a guy who is nice to me or a guy who is extremly hott. I'm going to assume he's unavailable. I am not going to let the thoughts that there is a possiblity he may be interested me invade and poison my mind. Because really I got to stop. Like for gods sake the guy is hott and would never even look at me twice so why should I even have such expecatations and get my hopes up. So yeah.... that's my plan. I've read and heard that you got to learn to be alone and love yourself before you love others. How does one love themselves? Like EVERY girl has insecurities and flaws they don't like about themselves. How do you do that? Hmmm then theres the stuff on being alone. For me I like my time on my own. I like doing my own things and just having my space. The hard part is those days that are meatn to be shared with those you love like christmas and new years. Oh god I wonder how Valentine's is going to be hahahaha(nervous laugh). =| I miss him. And maybe I think hes the only one and want him because I feel there aren't any other guys. I need to realize that I don't want any other guys at the same time too. Starting a relationship with someone else is like going to work out after you ran a marathon. You don't have time to catch your breath and heal any aching muscles. I mean I really don't have any options seeing that most of where I work and study consists of mainly females. But hmm just saying. JEEZE LOUUISE! these DREAMS really got to stop.

Obsession

So I saw the The Sorcerer's Apprentice last night and after watching that I uploaded the first pilot episode of Undeclared with Jay Baruchel and Seth Rogen. The sorcerer's apprentice was a good movie I'd give it a 7.5/10. I'm not the biggest fan of Nicolas Cage but his akward distant macho character fit well with nerdy, dorky, and funny character of Jay's. After watching alot of Seth Rogen movies I realized that Jasaon Segel, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Jonah Hill are filmed together. It's like they are the A-team when it comes comedy movies but they are amazing. They have become my favourite actors. I'm especially beginning to love Jason Segel's acting and they all have great chemistry on set. Well back to Jay, I think my crush is slowly turning into a sick obsession. I mean I literally got excited when I found out his birthday is April 9th and he was 7 years older than me. Yes I am INSANE! Oh and I realized my hair looks alot like Nicolas Cage in that movie. LOL should I be concerned??Jay got the honour to do the infamous fantasia scene with mickey mouse and the broom scene. As I watched it, I was like I remember this from when I was a kid! It was such a throw back. But i was done intentionally in reference to Fantasia. The music was amazing too! I am getting this movie on DVD! :D

BAH so I had another deam last night/morning. This time we were in uhm Chapters buying birthday cards and they had that deal going on where you buy 3 cards you get 1 free. So we were getting cards because his mom's and nephew's bday is coming up, and we were just trying to get bday cards to fit the deal. LOL now that I think about it, it's really brown of us but it's something we would have done. WOW omg I sound psycho! Someone please slap me. Thank you :) I wonder what's behind these dreams like why am I having them. It's as if i'm unconsciously trying to live out our relationship via my dreams.

I think I'm the only one who sees it.. =\

Does this tree not look like the Nataraja?

Photo taken, edited and written by me.

I need to get me a dreamcatcher

Photo taken, edited and written by me.

FINALLY! A day to just sit on my fat ass with no commitments. I can do whatever the fuck that pleases me.
So yesterday and today I've been waking up to the dreams again. Last night's dream I guess can be explained because I was talking to my best friend about him prior to going to bed. BUT both these dreams I'm with him, like we are back in a relationship again. The words my best friend said are mentally engraved in my head and I can still see it so vividly. They were strong that I could even imagine her saying it to me. He isn't for me. I kinda get that but I don't want that. Yes right now I believe he is the only one for me. Just because I've lost hope in forming other relationships. To make it work it's alot of energy and in the end it sometimes it doesn't work out no matter how much you claim to know and love the person. So how am I suppose to repeat step 1 and onwards again after him and a relationship prior to that which was 3 years. I'm emotionally exasperated. Hence I give up and feel like he's the only one that bodeD so well with my crazy personality. Only a few know most of what I went through in that relationship. For them they see that the negative overrides the positive. For me I see it otherwise; I see it as despite what he has done I still care. I know what your thinking Oh puhhlease *smack in the face* Lol I'd react the same. I understand because people are watching me put myself together and even helping me in the process and it's such a shame to see a friend go through that. I'm appreciative of what support I've gotten throughout it all because as cliché as it sounds, it wasn't until I gone through this I saw what friendship really is.
The other day we were talking about inter-racial marriages. A part of me finds it difficult to be in a relationship with a guy of another race only because: what if our views clashes? How my parents might feel about it and guys of other races really don't take a double take at me. Religion and I have a funny story, you see. After a year of questioning God's existence, feeling like shit for questioning God's existence and not believing in a God. I'm slowly getting to think there is someone out there. There's this warm fuzzy feeling I get inside, this feeling of peace and a temporary escape to freedom when I'm at the temple praying. Nevertheless, I'm not a big fan of listening to the cultural rules implemented that are disguised as religious statements. From what I've read and know about my God that is what I believe, not the extremist rules. I guess it's a bit of the Pro-Karl Marx in me. My dad is just like that too. I don't eat beef not because it's told that I'm not to eat beef in fact Hinduism prefers you to be vegetarians. I try to avoid beef because I want to try to save at least one animal from the crazy shit they are put through in the farms. I also hate the fact that I can't go to temple when I'm on my period. Why is that? I mean it made sense back then when there wasn't any pads, temples were crowded social gatherings hence making it easier to transmit viral diseases. But now…what's the purpose behind it? We aren't really releasing dirt. We are just shedding tissues that are body built up in case we (females) got pregnant. Anyways I'm going off topic. It would be hard to make things work with someone who was by-the book and was very religious. You see Jay Baruchel on the other had is agnostic. I can slightly agree with his views. (HAHAHA OMG I need this crush to PASS!) To make it work, the two people in the relationship has to work. For you to figure out if you two will work you guys have to be committed for some time to know each other. And if you do realize your views clash and can't continue a life furthermore, you have to have known that person for a decent amount of time to let them go hence heartache. Heartache is inevitable. And I know I'm being a pansy when it comes to pain.
As I worried about my fate when it comes to relationships and marriages my mom snapped at me and told me to focus in school. I hate it when anyone tells me to focus in school. No shit ...I'm not going to focus after all the crap I’ve been through to get where I’m at. Instead I’m going to frolic around in my dress picking dandelions. I know for a fact I am going to finish school and I will become a nurse. And I told that to my mom: I will become a nurse and I will find a job whether it be changing the diapers of an old man or a baby I will do what I got to do to get where I want to get. But the fact that the relationship is uncertain after years of certainity...it's abnormal for me. As pathetic as it sounds and I get what my friend said you just need to be on your own. She pushed that in my face once I told her my ex and I broke up. She explained that I just need my own space to stand on my own two foot. And I get that, it's just I'm adapting to it. This may be simple for many people and I may come off as a pathetic idiot...but lol one day I will get where I see best fits.

old photos

I found some old photos of jojo :) The first photo though is of the Frog Mouthed Turtle in the Yogi Bear Movie. The turtle is BoBo's pet! hehe :)
Oh and as for Jojo's christmas gift. There is nothing but roots left of the plant. I think I better take it out =\. Well atleast he got his veggies! Wish he was the same about the other plants I put for him to eat in his tank like lettuce and other veggies.

well

So today is the day for the interview. It's at 3:00 PM. I'm not even ready, like mentally speaking. I got one reference letter, and the other one will be sent to me tommorow afternoon. I organized/updated my portfolio. I looked over some interview questions they may ask me. Even if I don't get it be chosen for the interview really made me proud. But tomorow's a busy day. I got to get dressed, go to the back to make financial arrangements for my school payments. From there I go to the main campus to pay of my fee. Afterwards I'll probably go to my school for the interview at 3:00 pm. *sigh* I hope this goes well. This semester in general is making me nervous. I really need to stay organized and not let myself get swamped in the work. My friend who's a nursing student (she's older than me) said clinicals are the make or break point. I don't want to be set back because I know this is something I don't intend on giving up on. After the interview I'm going with my mom to pick up my new sheets. Lol I think it's about time especially since I've had my comforter for 6 years. There is something unsanitary about it. Lol no worries I washed it! So I didn't go get my phone fixed but my brother had some extra old phones. So now I have this ghetto chunkalunka phone but hmm I'll manage. Me and phones have just not been going well since my silver samsung which I like had since grade 11. It's sad that I can't even turn on my broken phone :( I didn't even get a chance to figure out how to transfer the photos and stuff. hmmm I was thinking of going to the store and asking him if there's any way. Oh well...life goes on right? Lol I know it's so petty to fret over material goods. But I don't know it seems silly justifying my attachment to this phone. *sigh*
So I'm kinda waiting for The Sorcerer's Apprentice to upload because Jay Baruchel is in it. My GOD! I have this major crush on him. Like I never understood how people are so obsessed with celebrities.. until I watched Knocked Up. Like I've seen him in other shows/movies but this was different. mmhmm :)
Well my friend was over for the past couple of days. So during the day we went shopping to get a few things done. Afterwords in the evening my friends and I met up to exchange our xmas gifts. hehe I like my gifts!!! =D I got the Chicken Soup for the Nurse's Soul book and a mug for my david's tea hehehehe which I intend to buy with my Mall Gift Card my other friend got me. And lastly I got a brush set which I really needed :|. It was something I needed but never went out and got because I was going to make do with what I had. We also got our ceramics we made two months back from my friend's birthday. My elephant piggy back I made looks so cute. I've named him George! My mom loved it. I felt kind of guilty because she thought it was for her. But hmm that was my day. I've included some photos of George. If you are wondering why I named him George because of Grey's Anatomy he was my favourite character.After going to a Firkin we watched Yogi Bear in 3D. It was a good movie and after watching it I have this craving to go hiking. Hmm maybe I'll go sometime this week. Justin Timberlake did a good job at voicing over BoBo.

His bumbum has the planet earth on it.

On his left has the moon and stars.

On his right; a branch with leafs and a pink flower + peace sign. On his back right foot is the date/birthday of my friend. =]

My New Crush

He was in She's out of my League, Knocked Up, did voice over for the main character of how to train your dragon and the infamous PMK (when we were kids)....JAY BARUCHEL.

oh hey

oh yes he's a canadian...from montreal and is a montreal canadien's fan. mhm

Oh hey AGAIN

rip

my phone has officially died. :( Going to go to the store to see what I can do tommorow. But from the looks of it I'm going to have to a get a new phone. This phone was my baby like I was strangely attached to it. It cannot be fixed by it was liquid damage. BAH

homesick

What am I suppose to do with my life if I've caught up on Grey's Anatomy? :( hahahah *nervous laugh* I kid... I don't mean that in ALL seriousness..maybe just a little.
I watched the pilot episode of Hawthorne and it sucks. But I kind of want to watch it because it's about nurses. Hmm. I've watched Mercy before but it was meh and I'm not sure what Nurse Jackie is about. =\ I suppose I can watch other shows but I like medical dramas.
So my friend and I went out last night. And somehow I've managed to screw up my phone. I've got to go to the store and see if it will get fixed or get a new one. UGH. It's going to be akward since it's his friend's store. But I got to fix it or get a new one. I just don't want to loose the stuff I've got on this phone. Especially my photos and I don't know how to transfer them onto my computer.Maybe if I ask him, he'll know. I remember when my ex and I broke up, there was a point he wanted me to return the phone he got me. I just didn't want to give it up for personal reasons(bonds of attachment?) and now the phone's dead. I wonder if it's symbolic of something =\ Oh if only things were different. You can't sculpt someone into something you want and certain things got to happen on their own. I mean personally I feel stupid for feeling the way I feel despite everything that has happened. Nevertheless, I know I'm enjoying this sense of personal freedom and the company of my loved ones (like family and friends). But in all honesty it's just not the same without him. I'm sure he feels that way too. AND if he doesn't well he just didn't really give a rats ass. Oh well I've got an education to worry about. I was talking to my best friend the other night and she had mentioned that this would be the year of our graduation. I thought about it and realized I don't graduate until 25 or 26! I used to think that I'd be married by the age of 25/26. One would argue you can still be married and go to school. But I'm one of those folks that need to finish my education before even thinking of getting married. BUT God who knows what's in store for me maybe I'm meant to be ALONE for the rest of my life. But of course with Jojo ;)
So my family was over yesterday. It was great to have them because we RARELY do such things. My grandma was so happy to have everyone together especially on New years and ever since all the family problems. Anyways I was talking to my cousin and she was telling me about her friend who's been working at this hospital in downtown in the for the neonatal intensive care unit as a nurse for 10 years and she has specialized in respiratory care. So she recently had her second child and has to go back soon from materinty leave. Why? Because her income is much more than her husband who's a manager for Celestica. I guess since her career is so specialized and she's been there for a long time she's got some good dough. So before when it was one child the husband and the wife could kind of work their schedhule to provide care for the first child, but with the second child it's alot more difficult and at the same time she wants to keep her job so yeah. hmm..it was pretty cool hearing about such things.
So like I mentioned I got JOjo a plant for christmas. ughh all that's left are the roots of the plant! =\

Jojo's christmas

so jojo's late christmas present was an amazon sword plant for his tank. well looks like that the plant is going to be devoured a little faster than i expected.. he's going at it!! Started of the new year with no big bang... just realized when i changed the channel cp24 it was 12 so told my mom happy new years and my best friend called and we wished each other. Afterwards I went with my mom to pick up grams at the temple.
uh huh you know what it black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow! the song is stuck in my head!