Photo taken, edited and written by me. FINALLY! A day to just sit on my fat ass with no commitments. I can do whatever the fuck that pleases me.
So yesterday and today I've been waking up to the dreams again. Last night's dream I guess can be explained because I was talking to my best friend about him prior to going to bed. BUT both these dreams I'm with him, like we are back in a relationship again. The words my best friend said are mentally engraved in my head and I can still see it so vividly. They were strong that I could even imagine her saying it to me. He isn't for me. I kinda get that but I don't want that. Yes right now I believe he is the only one for me. Just because I've lost hope in forming other relationships. To make it work it's alot of energy and in the end it sometimes it doesn't work out no matter how much you claim to know and love the person. So how am I suppose to repeat step 1 and onwards again after him and a relationship prior to that which was 3 years. I'm emotionally exasperated. Hence I give up and feel like he's the only one that bodeD so well with my crazy personality. Only a few know most of what I went through in that relationship. For them they see that the negative overrides the positive. For me I see it otherwise; I see it as despite what he has done I still care. I know what your thinking Oh puhhlease *smack in the face* Lol I'd react the same. I understand because people are watching me put myself together and even helping me in the process and it's such a shame to see a friend go through that. I'm appreciative of what support I've gotten throughout it all because as cliché as it sounds, it wasn't until I gone through this I saw what friendship really is.
The other day we were talking about inter-racial marriages. A part of me finds it difficult to be in a relationship with a guy of another race only because: what if our views clashes? How my parents might feel about it and guys of other races really don't take a double take at me. Religion and I have a funny story, you see. After a year of questioning God's existence, feeling like shit for questioning God's existence and not believing in a God. I'm slowly getting to think there is someone out there. There's this warm fuzzy feeling I get inside, this feeling of peace and a temporary escape to freedom when I'm at the temple praying. Nevertheless, I'm not a big fan of listening to the cultural rules implemented that are disguised as religious statements. From what I've read and know about my God that is what I believe, not the extremist rules. I guess it's a bit of the Pro-Karl Marx in me. My dad is just like that too. I don't eat beef not because it's told that I'm not to eat beef in fact Hinduism prefers you to be vegetarians. I try to avoid beef because I want to try to save at least one animal from the crazy shit they are put through in the farms. I also hate the fact that I can't go to temple when I'm on my period. Why is that? I mean it made sense back then when there wasn't any pads, temples were crowded social gatherings hence making it easier to transmit viral diseases. But now…what's the purpose behind it? We aren't really releasing dirt. We are just shedding tissues that are body built up in case we (females) got pregnant. Anyways I'm going off topic. It would be hard to make things work with someone who was by-the book and was very religious. You see Jay Baruchel on the other had is agnostic. I can slightly agree with his views. (HAHAHA OMG I need this crush to PASS!) To make it work, the two people in the relationship has to work. For you to figure out if you two will work you guys have to be committed for some time to know each other. And if you do realize your views clash and can't continue a life furthermore, you have to have known that person for a decent amount of time to let them go hence heartache. Heartache is inevitable. And I know I'm being a pansy when it comes to pain.
As I worried about my fate when it comes to relationships and marriages my mom snapped at me and told me to focus in school. I hate it when anyone tells me to focus in school. No shit ...I'm not going to focus after all the crap I’ve been through to get where I’m at. Instead I’m going to frolic around in my dress picking dandelions. I know for a fact I am going to finish school and I will become a nurse. And I told that to my mom: I will become a nurse and I will find a job whether it be changing the diapers of an old man or a baby I will do what I got to do to get where I want to get. But the fact that the relationship is uncertain after years of certainity...it's abnormal for me. As pathetic as it sounds and I get what my friend said you just need to be on your own. She pushed that in my face once I told her my ex and I broke up. She explained that I just need my own space to stand on my own two foot. And I get that, it's just I'm adapting to it. This may be simple for many people and I may come off as a pathetic idiot...but lol one day I will get where I see best fits.
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