power struggles

okay lets see if i can get everything out here. So i told him about how i feel. In regards to my feelings, my anxieties and fears. It took an overwhelming about of emotional capacity to express it. Only to get responses, but not things that I wanted to hear. I told him it bugged me bc hear I am saying crap and you are giving me frank responses. He explained about his consumption with school and apologized. I felt like a needy moron. And i guess that got me to pull back. 
The irony is I struggled so much to be on my own after getting out of a relationship, that I seem to face similar displeasures in letting him in to my life. Like I mentioned I have trust issues. I also think of the worst possible things. I also noticed what an ego/pride issue I have. I guess what I am coming at is I never saw myself as one to have walls built up and ego problems. 
It's all very conflicting because I like my walls. However, I also have feelings for this guy and am considering pursuing a relationship. It's just I don't feel ready. What's sort of frustrating is most of my close friends know about him. I can count 6 people. Of the six, 5 of them have said positive stuff about him. And it's great. Nothing better to hear these words from the people that matter the most. It's just when you hear "he's a good guy and he's actually the first guy I trust in your life"; you can't help but be taken aback. I wonder to myself, how is it so simple for people to be so accepting, when I can't? But I guess there's a  big difference. It's my life. But I am not ready and of course I am aware that is truly what is important. I know simply that I might be working myself up, that I should go with the flow and let time work its magic. Which is the right decision, taking your time. That way we can actually figure out our issues, flaws and actually get to know each other.
I don't want to rush into things. I feel as if it is because we started only talking like a month ago. But what keeps slipping my mind was how close we were before we lost touch. 
The other day, he had an exam. He said he'd call me up once he was done. He went in to write it at 2. It was almost 6 and I still haven't heard from him. I was wondering to myself how an exam was 4 hrs. My licensing exam wasn't even that long. I guess I kind of got worried, given his situation.  So he calls and it goes like this:
Him: where are you?
Me: I am at XYZ house (we had a dance practice for my friend's proposal)
Him: okay so where is that?
Me: Huh? 
Him: WHERE DOES XYZ LIVE?
Me: He lives in ABC(at this point my tone has turned aggressive because it seemed like he was hounding me  for my whereabouts). Where are You? 
Him: I'm at STC.
Me: you came down?!


Yup, he came... to surprise me...for valentine's day. :S  What baffled me is how quickly I jumped the gun and assumed the worst, in the sense his questions were being asked because was suspicious and distrustful. I literally tensed up. I never realized how much of an impact my ex had on me, until now. I guess I just need time to feel ready to get into this. 


another things I fear is losing myself. My independence. I don't want to get overly attached that I forget what I want to do and those that are important to me. I don't want to be overly engrossed like I was before. I want to maintain doing my own thing. Yes, he is a great guy but I don't want it to be to the point where I am way to available for him that I am taken for granted. That, and I should just maintain my own self. I know I know I sound so pathetic. But I cringe at the thought of expressing all these details to anyone else and hearing myself do it, so I am just venting away on this. Hoping that maybe my thoughts would sort of settle.


I like this guy alot. I can spew on and on AND ON about all the things that make him "like-able", but quite frankly I don't think it does it justice. I went to my friends house today and we watched the Women. At one point a character said "if at one point you don't know what to do, don't do anything." 


The bright side, my brother is coming home tomorrow. So it would be nice to vent and get his perspective.