I just filled up a shelf with textbooks...it's pathetic but it's kind of fulfilling to see them there. Makes me feel..smart. It feels nice that I'm studying what I've been wanting to do for a long time. When times get tough...like really tough, I keep pushing myself telling myself I got to do this. I never felt this way with York. I guess when I experienced that loss of opurtunity of nursing at York I realized how important it is to me. Or maybe I just feel content because I found a certain identity..I am a nursing student... I am going to be a nurse. I am not uncertain about my future and that maybe the reason why I am comfortable. But that can't be entirely true, maybe partially, because I really like what I am learning and doing. On another note I just found all my old lecture notes that weren't whole punched so I can reuse the other side to print my lecture notes. No I am not cheap... I'm being environmentally friendly =] Im really procrascinating on this cleaning up stuff but whatever needs to be done! I found my ex bf project from like grade 6 in one of my binders. I kept the plastic covers and through out his project... I mean if he wanted it back I'm sure he would have something by NOW! I felt a sense of guilt throwing it out because it wasn't my project and to make matters worse my borther was blasting "your a jerk" seriously NOT HELPING!
So new semester new binders. I wasn't keen on going out and buying new binders so I had to hunt for some in my room, I know they were hiding somewhere here. In my closet I found a box of highschool stuff, all my notes of courses I thought were critical for me to keep for reference. But of course I never looked at ANY of them up until today. It was just a rewind and as I looked at the stuff I studied I was surprised because they come up in my anatomy and physio or pathophysiology (this semester). So I wondered WHY THE HELL CAN'T I REMEMBER THIS? Well then again I never really utilized my biology knowledge when I got to university. I mainly focus on chem. As I went through my chem stuff I found this OLD ... and when I mean old I mean OLD periodic table of elements. It has some some elements highlighted, some numbers sprawled accross and equations which shown were written with either care or rush. The corners were folded or torn and the paper is clearly worn out. It looked like a piece of map just no biege tint to it. I looked at it and this felt like another lifetime. How much I loved chem. Chemistry was just a beautiful subject but I knew I was not going to be happy working in a lab or a pharmacy. I wanted to help people, especially kids! When professors introduce themselves and tell us about their nursing experience I sit there in awe because one day I want to be able to do that. Today a professor told us about her nursing experience and you can tell how passionate she was about nursing just by how effective she was to the class. It was just so motivating and heart warming to see someone love something like a job. I hope to one day be able to have that same passion because we do see alot of worn out, over worked and stressed nurses who just have this grumpy unapproachable attitude. Then I wonder how can they be like this to families of patients and what not? A friend of mine was actually in the hospital before exams and he was telling us how incompetent some nurses can be. Once he threatened to speak to the CNO (College of Nurses Ontario) the service was all of sudden better. *sigh* I don't know I guess for some nurses patients just become objects that we just "work" on to improve we tend to forget "art of nursing". Well back to my flash back...it was like I was in a different time. After filling a once empty box with old notes, tests, lecture notes, lab manuals, workbooks etc. that I knew wasn't going to be any use but to contribute to the recycling process I sat there and stared at the mess. The binders were still sprawled on the ground binders in a messy pile. I kept three things from the box: the periodic table, this plastic booklet on chemistry (which I purchased from a science store with my parents) and a paper I did in gr 12 on The Types of Natural Selection (God I love Charles Darwin). I realized how much I've changed for the good and the bad since High School. I still have alot to do for myself. I am happy with myself but what bugs me is that I am disconnected from my past if that makes sense. I mean I guess I shouldn't be so connected to my past no one should otherwise they won't get to the future. Hmm weird.. well on the bright side I took a trip to the past with all my memories and I have binders and dividers! Wooot =]
I grabbed my laundry out of the dryer and to my surprise I found a pad. I was surprised that (1) it didnt burn in the dryer (2) it didn't rip to shreds (3) it inflated into this thick ass diaper. Well now we know kotex is the way to go! Oh and the pad was NOT used by the way..sheesh when I told my mom she asked me if it was a new one =| it was still in its little package.
So I'm making it seem like I've never worked out in my life but I guess it's because I've gotten so inclined to the unhealthy snacking and other crappy habits. Sometimes I envy those people who just got it together they're working out, doing school and working. I mean I'm happy but I guess I just need to attain that balance. I shove all my focus on school that I neglect other aspects of my life. Thankfully, when it comes to work, it's flexible I'm not expected to work certain hours or what not.
Last night I was a little nervous my second semester in the nursing program begins. I heard this semester is pretty hectic. From what I see so far in the classes I went I GOT TO KEEP MY SHIT TOGETHER. So I got to up my organization skills. Last semester the only organized binder I had was anatomy & physio. Lol I had the whole nine yards you know dividers and course outline at the front, handouts, work all in respective sections. Sorry about the bragging but I guess that's the only binder I've ever been so proud about. After exams I kept everything as it is because I'm going to need it for my lab/field course. We also need to make Nursing Portfolio I did this focus group last semester and I was suppose to get a certificate that I was supposed to put in my Portfolio when I went to pick it up it wasn't there so I guess I have to e-mail the coordinator.
Anyways back to working out so I checked the schedhules I was thinking of taking the easy route in this whole gym thang by going back to my muscle woks class. That's from 5:45-6:40 then for 20 minutes I'll walk/jog around the track. Afterwards at 7:00 there is a yoga class. I think that class I'm a little intimidated by. With my muscle works class I'm a little familiar with what she does but with yoga I have NEVER done. What if I fall while doing some position? =| I think the hard part is that people might be watching you and it's embarrasing but whatever I need to stop being so whiney.
As I laid in bed last night I wondered for the day ahead. I then realized how comfortable I got to my previous semester which made me nervous for this next one. Because I have pathophysio and pharmacology which does not seem so fun. *sigh*I guess it's all fear of the unknown and it's like when you finish step 1 you anxiously anticipate step 2 and what's in store for you. So far I'm okay most of my friends from last semester are in my classes again, I started talking to few new people. Like I met a girl today who bought her $80 textbook for $1 at the library (they are usually selling books and what not). Hehe I also met this couple who's doing the program together.
My third “beginning” was my name issue. For those who know me either call me by my full name or my nick name (that my parents call me) Ami (pronounced Amee not Amy..like "mon ami!!" in French) I told one of my professors to call me Ami. I was getting tired of people not remembering my name...Why? because maybe it was too long or confusing. It's different when people who already know me call me by nick name than those who don't. It feel weird introducing myself by my full name and the saying "but you can call me Ami" Another thing that bothers me about it why shouldn't I use my cultural first name? Why am I conforming to this westernization norm? At the same time I just feel like when I'm at the hospital (volunteering) or working with people at school it would be a lot easier for them to remember? I guess my nick name Ami is something personal to me and allowing stranger whom I just met to call me that feels awkward. It's like having sex on the first date or farting on the first date! When me and my boyfriend go to restaurants I give in my nick name only because I don't want to stand in the crowd spell out my name and then have to repeat myself because the waitress/waiter didn't hear me correctly. Even then they call me Amy.
Well anyways I'm going to get in bed and watch The Back Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez. I hate trying to watch it online and luckily my bf had a copy of the dvd. I got to say she looks weird in the poster for this movie though. I liked this movie I think my last resort would have been what she did. Go to a sperm bank and inseminate myself... well someone would do that for me but yeah! But my bf is in the picture but that is plan X if all fails! Ohh! And it turns out I don't have class tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning that time slot (which I don't know what they put) is for self-study. I BELIEVE the reason why is when we get into labs and what not we can use that time slot to practice. It's weird though we are going to be taught how to make hospital beds and wash sheets, clothes etc. These are things we just kind of know through chores (Well I don't really make my bed in the morning which my mom yells at me about but I guess this course will get the ball rolling) but I guess there are specific hospital regulations to be followed. I just have to go to volunteer at the Children’s hospital from 1-4 pm tomorrow. Hmm I think I can put my volunteer certificates in my Nursing Portfolio. Well I’m exhausted I didn’t even have proper sleep even though I went to bed early I just laid there nervous like it’s my first night.
LOL eww that reminds me so our nursing theory teacher asked so what are your expectations for this course? And this guy was like maybe we should have games, presentations and role play to you know keep things interesting. Then my prof goes “ahh okay so we should have some role play to keep you guys stimulated.” I giggled to her joke andshe turned around to look at everyone staring at her like -> =\ she goes “aww come on it’s a joke” teheh I like her I can relate to her humour.
Well holy shit the past few days were tiresome. This cold was stubborn, brutal and shitty. I think I spent 3-4 days in bed, drinking excessive amounts of fluid and getting as much bed rest as I can. Today was the first day I actually got out and enjoyed the remainder of my break. I start on Wednesday. My prof put up readings and work for week 1 and 2. So I finished my readings and did my work for week 1 and I did some of week 2. My room needs to be cleaned and I guess I will get to it tomorrow. I've neglected taking care of my room just because I was sick. I actually ended up going to the doctor because my phlegm was a dark yolky yellow colour which freaked me out. Turns out that it’s not a biggie. Right now I have a stubborn dry cough that comes here and there and a slight stuffy nose.
I started watching Scrubs. For the past few days I'd lie in bed with the laptop beside me and I'd just watch episode after episode of Scrubs. I started reading Eat Pray Love (which was a birthday gift!) and I should finish it because I know once school starts I might neglect on finishing it. I was supposed to work for three days, volunteer during my new shift and even meet up with friends but I had to cancel because of this brutal cold! ohh welll I made some antibodies so yay!! So now that I am getting better I can get back to the gym.
You don't understand and I guess it's hard. I mean we can all relate and empathize but body image is something subjective. Every shirt I tried on my stomach would pop out and I just hate the size of my thighs. I then feel pretty stupid for getting emotional and crazy over these insecurities and flaws because I should be grateful that I have a healthy body! Nevertheless, like many people out there I am not satisfied with my body. I renewed my YMCA membership so I'm going back to the gym. I stopped around the beginning April because school got crazy with finals, assignments and exams. And the once school ended I got sick so now’s my chance to make the most of it and push myself! When I have school I sit there and make excuses though like here’s a few: (1) I got so much on my plate!
(2) the time I'm at the gym I could be studying for anatomy
(3) I'm too tired from school
These things just get in my way and I figure if I want to get out of this rut than I NEED to do something instead of fucking complaining. There have been days in the recent times where I have cried trying on clothes because it did not look right in my eyes and it shouldn't come to that extent. I know I am going to be bullshittting if I said I love my body.. because I know I don't. I appreciate my body because holy crap our body does alot that we just take for granted. But I know I can't stand in front of a mirror in my bra and panties and stare at myself for 10 mins with a sense of satisfaction (not sexually speaking :P) I guess this is the first step identifying the problem. I think the difficult part is consistency I can’t keep something up and I find it really hard to balance working out with school schedules. And it doesn’t mean I should devote like 1 hr at the gym… at least ½ hr just jogging outside would be okay on those hectic days. Another thing that I find very difficult is eating right. I picked up this really bad habit of eating sweets and junk food and I need to get out of it! Ahh well let’s see how things unfold.
Well past week or so have been hectic and now I am bedridden (well not forced by choice) due to the fact I have a cold. The weather is GORGEOUS outside and I'm lying in bed. My urine output has increased due to the fluid intake and it's getting really annoying. Well it was really peculiar because I was peeing alot so I goggled it and things like diabetes and pregnancy came up and I just sat there like oh dear god. So now I stopped looking up a diagnosis and contributed to it my fluid intake. My final marks will be up tonight after 7:30 pm so I'm a little nervous about that. Over the weekend my family had thrown me a surprise party. I was shocked and I felt like I didn't deserve it. A sense of guilt went over me that all these people put in such effort. I was happy of course because everyone I loved was there except for my best friend who unfortunately couldn't make it. This really has never happened to me so I was really taken aback but overall the night was comfortable. My second nephew has grown and also my first nephew who is freakishly tall for his age but I guess that's genetics for ya. Now I havea cold I need to fight it off before school and fight off the shitty part of this cold so I can go into work this friday and weekend. I was suppose to meet up with two friends tomorow but Im not sure yet. and I had sick kids but that`s unlikely too! ARGHJHWJHDSD
