That point

Prior to writing all of this I'd like to state: a lot of what you are going read was really difficult and shameful for me to express hahaha SO bear with my vagueness or anything that is confusing.

You know that point that you reach where you say to yourself enough is enough. You can't take anymore of this undue pressure and words you force upon yourself, so you push away the direct cause precipitating such thoughts. Writing this in my blog is making me feel so pathetic and cringe in disgust. But this is where my thoughts simply collect and helps make meaning of things. So I'll write it out: I miss the company of a male in my life. Oh God!(lol I literally said Oh God out loud)
I guess it's a normal process, I mean I've moved on. I think about my ex here and there. Smile about the silly things we've done together and the crazy adventures we had. But I don't miss it or want it back, I am content with the decision I made. I was speaking to a friend and from what I observed it's just something you get used to. Sadly, I miss that attention. And that feminist inside me is saying...no screaming "you don't need a man's attention to feel good...to feel complete." I should not have to fill this void with some other person, and initially I tried to find distractions. I tried to find ways to boost that insecurity. Then I realized that I was trying to band-aid the loss and loneliness I felt from my ex. At first, I felt uncomfortable going to clubs as it was some sort of betrayal to my ex. Then I liked going to clubs to get that attention from guys approaching you and hitting on you. LOL I know pretty low and I realize that. In the end those guys in that place go for one and only one thing: pussy. Pardon my choice of vile words but it's the truth when you break it down. Another conclusion I've got to state; guys don't come and talk to me. I think it must be some sort of body language sign my face is carrying around saying "don't you dare talk to me".
A reason I was hesitant on writing this entry was I've got close friends reading this blog, which of course I immensely appreciate but I would never express this in a conversation. The fact of the matter is, people (I know) knowing my vulnerability... well that hits my pride right in the vagina. haha. No one wants to be seen as weak and feeble, but I guess the fact I can admit these feelings I have is a lot better off than many others out there who are still blinded. As I stood there staring out my window the thoughts of "no guy ever approaches me...ugh my bday is coming up... UGH! My body is so disgustingly gross" raced through my head like a starving cheetah chasing its prey. I sat down and thought, if this was any other person or a friend I would be astonished on how someone can think so low of themselves. So why am I doing it?
For the very most I'm proud that I have this self-awareness. Don't get me wrong I love the time I have for myself. With the craziness from school and how emotionally draining it can be at the hospital; I find myself contemplating my ability to function in a relationship. The thought of being in a relationship seems draining and yet I miss that male company to talk to and that flattering attention. Like I mentioned, I shouldn't have to rely on that but I don't have much confidence in myself either to feel good about myself either. So that being said, I realized what the fuck they meant in my psych. textbooks: You have to learn to love yourself before loving others. In order to function in a relationship, you got to have that confidence just in yourself. Otherwise, you will be depending on someone else to feel “complete”.

Also, it's all in the universe. When your pheromones reek of desperation and loneliness, you will give that vibe off to others. In the end I need to stand tall on my own two feet and not have depend on anyone except myself to feel good and complete. But that my friends, for me is a uphill battle(my confidence is quite low but I have my good days?) and I'm getting there. What I am trying to push away are men. I will not look at a guy in any other manner. If they are good looking okay nice, but I am pushing out thoughts that I will have any prospects with them at all.
Anyways, I've grown my leg hair out and I don't want to shave it because I intend on waxing it next week. Problem is I've got an aquafit class with my mom tonight. LMAO! And I'm one hairy beast. Ahh well I have no intention on impressing anyone but it is just embarrassing. hahahaaha oh man. LOL and don't get me started on my wings...Oh! I mean armpits. *sigh* the high life of being a hairy brown chick.