toy

I honestly feel like God or the universe or whatever it may be is just jerking me around like some sort of toy. One week I am in a state of constant anxiety and depression. Then, finally, I speak to admissions and it's a few days of relief that there was a mistake with my marks. But NOW once again, it looks like I was right all along. Messed up part is I can't speak to any one at the school until the Jan 2nd, 2012. Is it wrong to displace this on God or the universe?
Yes. Simply put the admissions guy may have made a mistake while I was right all along. It has nothing to do with God or the universe, but why is God letting this happen? But then again God watches over a lot worse travesties in this world. I find it such a taboo to speak about about God on my blog but furthermore blame him when things don't go right. These kind of things happens to everyone. But I'm so exasperated that I'm being jerked around like some rag doll. After reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho the one line that is drilled into us is; “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
Does the universe not see me striving to achieve my goals? Does the universe not see me come home from an 8 hr evening shift at clinicals only to study? Does the universe not see me lug around those huge books on my back? Does the universe not see me cry and break down very semester due to stress? DOES THE UNIVERSE NOT SEE ME FUCKING WORKING MY ASS OFF? 
Never have I put so much emotional, physical and mental effort into something. It's as if some sick joke to toy someone around like this. It's even more exasperating because this is something I really want and nursing is something I am very passionate about.  I've rocked many boats and changed a lot to get to nursing. And nursing has helped me become and grow into someone that I love.  I get if one is so passionate about their dreams, nothing will get in their way of achieving it. But I can't help but look around and wonder why only me?  Why do things just fall into place for some? While I pivot my way around to conform for something I love. What's even more irritating is I have to wait until Jan 2nd to hear back from someone. This isn't the end I will do whatever the fuck it takes to get to my final goal. It's just I can't help but wonder why the string of events had to occur the way they did. 
It's a funny turn of events though. Just at the moment when something you treasure so dearly is at the risk of not being attained those trivial matters just float away. I think about those months where I obsessed over cop guy, but now if someone was to walk in I'd put up walls. I realized how much of a priority my career and how irrelevant all this stuff in regards to boys came once all this happened. On my way back from the hockey game last night, I spoke to two guys from the leafs game. It was quite obvious they were hitting on me with their jokes and comments. I rolled my eyes, laughed and played along. It was fun. Nothing more. It was when I got home and I checked my mark that my peaceful day went down the drain. I didn't let it ruin it, because going to the hockey game last night was AMAZING and nothing can take from that. My point is, with all this going on in my plate I can never consider a guy. Even if things were to work out for me with school, I realized how high of a priority it is to ensure all my focus is on school and nothing else. (And of course leaving some aside for my family and friends). I stopped giving a fuck about what others my think because it's only those who love me and know truly how much I went through this semester would know. I'm pissed but the fact that I didn't get it acts as a challenge. Motivating me more to try harder. I'm happy with what I've got, my RPN degree, and I will make the most of it. I can work with that and work my way up. Now its a matter of looking at other options. But I guess for today, I am angry at this sick joke by the universe getting my hopes up by opening the door, I run to it, only to shut it in my face and laugh.