Life Goals

1. Become a Nurse
2. Volunteer Abroad in a foreign under-developed country.
   
3. Finish some unfinished business- Go back to York, study part time and get a BA in psych. or philosophy
4. Participate in writing a medical research paper
5. Open up a support group for emotionally abused women
6. Ride an elephant and kiss him or her! (nothing sexual >=\)
7. Go on a trip to the Galapagos islands.
   

Looking at this list gives me this empty-gut feeling that you get when you drop down a steep hill on a roller coaster. It's a sense of intimidation, fear, excitement and thrill, all at the same time! As much as I want to do all this, I stare at the list dumfounded. How can I accomplish all of this? Do I have the potential? What if I don't do all of this? What if I do?!

I can see some personal growth that I can allocate such goals. I’m surprised at myself. Nevertheless, I feel like a baby who has a long way to go to accomplish all of this. This list is my reminder, that despite everything that has happened to me, that I can’t let myself held back. Life most go on and it does. And unfortunately people let themselves get left behind. They let the state of their life control them. All of last week, I can clarify to you I had symptoms of depression. I took a sedative, it gave me this high that made you feel like you were walking on sunshine. Never felt anything like it! As a nursing student, I know this drug is highly addictive and patients develop dependency to it. I woke up feeling like CRAP. Because yes it’s a band-aid, it made me feel good then and there. I felt so ashamed that I resorted to it, once again (this was not my first time). From then on I knew I am an idiot. I cannot let life go on, and let myself get left behind. People go on, they have their own lives, and they go on to make themselves better. People can care ONLY so much about you because they have a life of their own. So I laid there at 4 am, all these thoughts racing through my head and my heart was pounding with anger and adrenaline had kicked in. The thought creeped in you know it would calm you down. But I pushed that stupid thought aside. I laid there and WHAM! One after another all these ideas came in my head. I wrote them down.

I always wonder what my purpose for being here? I always answered, to have kids and raise them.(LOL no lies) What difference do I make in this world? Probably not a lot but now I can say it wouldn’t hurt to try to make a difference. I think I finally have reconnected with God. It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are moments where I am the shit in the urine. But I guess this is what it’s all about: falling down, getting up, wobbling to get back your stance and walking again and then repeat. As much as it’s so easy to say don’t let your emotions control you, they will, its human nature. But the point of being human is not acting on impulse that it consumes your entire life and its also not finding quick fixes like taking sedatives for your emotions. You got to get to the root cause! I haven’t found the root cause or maybe I have. Maybe I know what it is but I let my emotions get the best of me. A week from now, there’s a chance I will probably be in the slums again. But from what self-reflected and observed of myself; if I get bad, I get better.

I always felt like I was a failure. For me a goal can never be accomplished successfully at the first shot. And so to write out these goals I was intimidated and I was putting myself out there because I may fail, thus disappointing myself which leads to beating myself up for it. I still fear I may fail but the goals give me a motivation, a direction and options!

As much as I was (maybe I still am) ashamed that I study at a college, there is a significant change in happiness and contentment. I’m a grateful for those individuals in my life and God for bringing me here. I know the journey isn’t done but coming to this college has changed me. I was always introverted and never really got involved. Now here I am writing out lists to get involved and do something! It’s a big change and a significant amount of the credit goes to the college and my Nursing Program.

I do, however, need to remind myself that these are goals not plans. Life does not go as one plans. Of course, I always fail to realize that and get ahead of myself but maybe one day I will achieve these goals. I hope I do.