For the past three days I have not accomplished anything academically. I'm so lazy. Today morning I went to go see the Leaf's practice. There's so much to write and yet I'm holding myself back. It's not a sense of defeat over me, I'm just exaseperated and emotionally drained. What's the point saying how I feel when nothing is going to change. In the end things happen all for the better, I've got fate in God for that much. I regret texting him last monday because it led to a huge blowout/uproar. At first I was angry but now it's like a sense of I give up. But at the same time I feel so unmotivated where I just don't want to do anything anymore. IIt's difficult trying to bother anymore. My mom's trying to keep me company and talking to me but I really dont want to try. haha if that makes any sense. Hmm I wonder if im being over dramatic...maybe to some but like i said I'm so tired of this crap to the point I don't want to even talk about it so it maybe look like I'm making a big deal out fo something small when I'm actually not....
I think the difficult part is trying not to think about everything. Like I said I regret it. And now it's just time to pick up the pieces. I was on a good roll anyways. School was hectic but I loved what I was doing. I was eating healthy and going to the gym again. I even lost some lbs! I'm not going to push myself for anything better and expect full recovery but just take my time to get back on my feet. It may seem as if I hurt him or used him in his eyes. But what he and maybe others fail to realize that he played a part in our relationship breaking apart. There may be even some assumptions made that I wasn't serious about this relationship with him. Which is what baffles me... if I wasn't then why was I with him for so long? If I wasn't serious why did I endure so much of his end of the crap just like he says he did with mine. I think we need to say some bad about the other person and have a reason to hate them to actually get over them because if you regard them as someone good you won't be able to get over them. So he's probably angry and bitter with his reasons to dislike me. It doesn't give him an excuse to speak the way he did to me but I'm done. If I wasn't serious why was it necessary for me to go talk to a counsellor? :S I've been thinking of going back, but with school it's just all hectic. It wouldn't hurt to make a session...hmm not sure.
I didn't tell anyone this but I got into an accident on friday. I was driving with my family home from temple. It was a green light so I started to go and this guy ran a red light. Luckily I breaked quick but still I hit his tire/rim so my car got scratched up. I felt like all of last week people were jinxing me and it wasn't just one incident it was numerous occasions where I felt like people would say the smallest things that would curse me. And maybe I'm just using that as an excuse for everything but all the bad stuff just happened one after another. Which is why I went to the temple(because I felt something bad was going to happen) but on our way home that happened. Everyone was okay but just shooken up. It's difficult getting into an accident with two seniors in the back because urgh it's just taken to another level. So clearly he was at fault and people gave me numbers for witness. Then two police came and sort of helped with the situation. We didn't report the collision because the man was genuinely sorry and if we reported it his insurance would SKY ROCKET. Instead I showed it to my mechanic, he said the cost of the repairs and the guy payed us the money. Friday night of course I've bottled up alot of emotions and wanted to just fucking get smashed. I know it's stupid and that's exactly what happened. I spent most of my night vommiting but regardless it was a fun night filled with jokes. Afte the accident i couldn't cry I had to suck it up because of my grandparents, I had to hold it together because my mom was so cheesed. I wanted to snap at the police officer but I just gave him a cold stare directly into his eyes. haha Saturday was okay I had the company of my friend so she was keeping me together. I was nauseous from the night before and we went out for dinner in the evening. Sunday came and he had called yet again.I answered the phone and we argued some more. And he just said some stuff that just pushed me over the edge where I was like I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. I'm done fucking hoping this man would change and maybe just fucking maybe we can back together. I'm done holding on to the glimmer of hope. I wanted to cut myself but I didn't I needed to do something to get my rage out. But nothing...nothing came. I sat there feeling so empty.
Nevertheless, things have changed for the better with some people in my life. Like for instance me and my brother are getting closer. I don't try to push it but he's looking out for me and asking if I'm alright. It's not like we talk everyday or disclose details of my life but he heard me arguing on the phone and asked me if I was alright and the same after the accident. It's better. Ahh well atleast that happened now... he is going off to uni and moving out for september (most likely).
You know this is fucked.. I want to cry so badly. Like cry like WAIL AND JUST SCREAM AND BAWL my eyes out. I want to do it.. and knowing me who cries ever so easily ... I NEED TO CRY or it will literally make me crazy. I guess I am waiting for that chance where I'm alone. Because obviously if I was to do it now...my family would be like wtf.
I think the difficult part is trying not to think about everything. Like I said I regret it. And now it's just time to pick up the pieces. I was on a good roll anyways. School was hectic but I loved what I was doing. I was eating healthy and going to the gym again. I even lost some lbs! I'm not going to push myself for anything better and expect full recovery but just take my time to get back on my feet. It may seem as if I hurt him or used him in his eyes. But what he and maybe others fail to realize that he played a part in our relationship breaking apart. There may be even some assumptions made that I wasn't serious about this relationship with him. Which is what baffles me... if I wasn't then why was I with him for so long? If I wasn't serious why did I endure so much of his end of the crap just like he says he did with mine. I think we need to say some bad about the other person and have a reason to hate them to actually get over them because if you regard them as someone good you won't be able to get over them. So he's probably angry and bitter with his reasons to dislike me. It doesn't give him an excuse to speak the way he did to me but I'm done. If I wasn't serious why was it necessary for me to go talk to a counsellor? :S I've been thinking of going back, but with school it's just all hectic. It wouldn't hurt to make a session...hmm not sure.
I didn't tell anyone this but I got into an accident on friday. I was driving with my family home from temple. It was a green light so I started to go and this guy ran a red light. Luckily I breaked quick but still I hit his tire/rim so my car got scratched up. I felt like all of last week people were jinxing me and it wasn't just one incident it was numerous occasions where I felt like people would say the smallest things that would curse me. And maybe I'm just using that as an excuse for everything but all the bad stuff just happened one after another. Which is why I went to the temple(because I felt something bad was going to happen) but on our way home that happened. Everyone was okay but just shooken up. It's difficult getting into an accident with two seniors in the back because urgh it's just taken to another level. So clearly he was at fault and people gave me numbers for witness. Then two police came and sort of helped with the situation. We didn't report the collision because the man was genuinely sorry and if we reported it his insurance would SKY ROCKET. Instead I showed it to my mechanic, he said the cost of the repairs and the guy payed us the money. Friday night of course I've bottled up alot of emotions and wanted to just fucking get smashed. I know it's stupid and that's exactly what happened. I spent most of my night vommiting but regardless it was a fun night filled with jokes. Afte the accident i couldn't cry I had to suck it up because of my grandparents, I had to hold it together because my mom was so cheesed. I wanted to snap at the police officer but I just gave him a cold stare directly into his eyes. haha Saturday was okay I had the company of my friend so she was keeping me together. I was nauseous from the night before and we went out for dinner in the evening. Sunday came and he had called yet again.I answered the phone and we argued some more. And he just said some stuff that just pushed me over the edge where I was like I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm done. I'm done fucking hoping this man would change and maybe just fucking maybe we can back together. I'm done holding on to the glimmer of hope. I wanted to cut myself but I didn't I needed to do something to get my rage out. But nothing...nothing came. I sat there feeling so empty.
Nevertheless, things have changed for the better with some people in my life. Like for instance me and my brother are getting closer. I don't try to push it but he's looking out for me and asking if I'm alright. It's not like we talk everyday or disclose details of my life but he heard me arguing on the phone and asked me if I was alright and the same after the accident. It's better. Ahh well atleast that happened now... he is going off to uni and moving out for september (most likely).
You know this is fucked.. I want to cry so badly. Like cry like WAIL AND JUST SCREAM AND BAWL my eyes out. I want to do it.. and knowing me who cries ever so easily ... I NEED TO CRY or it will literally make me crazy. I guess I am waiting for that chance where I'm alone. Because obviously if I was to do it now...my family would be like wtf.
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