can't sleep

I've got an exam today at 11 am.

I've abused my body like a drug addict this summer, messing around with my circadian rhythm.
Well I can't sleep. It's one of those rare nights(well recently) all these thoughts are pacing around simultaneously in my head. SO there's the news I am anticipating to hear this week, there's the exam tomorow and friday, there's the party on friday, there's the things I got to do for friday and for some reason he's in my thoughts and few other things. And it's just everytime I take deep breaths to calm my thoughts; they slowly pop up one by one back into my mind. I've got a great sense of anxiety resting upon me.
The news I am anticipating to hear is something I got to get. Nevertheless, it's not in my hands.

As certain thoughts come up... her "tell it as it is" stern voice goes through my head saying "NO matter what you do and say people are going to talk shit and gossip. That's the nature of it all. They are going to gossip. They are going to talk shit. And he's going to talk shit. You have no control over that." And I know I have this idea that no matter what he has a sense of dignified respect for me and would not speak ill of me. I also know that he just doesn't trust people like that but I can't help but be puzzled. But I fail to recognize that the tables have turned and life goes on.

I've have this tendency (and it's a really bad flaw I need to fix) where I think too much into things and care so much about what people think. I never stop to think; who gives a rats flying ass? or doesn't matter your better. I need to keep telling myself that for friday.
Lately, I've been thinking to myself okay I know what his flaws were in his relationship but what were mine? We point fingers at the other person in the blame game once a relationship was over but never do we stop and refelct where we went wrong. Hopefully I get to that this winter break because everytime I attempted in recent times I got side tracked with the stress of school. It's important to allocate your mistakes and be aware of where the fuck you screwed up. Because in the end it's accepting your mistakes that will help you grow.

Friday/Saturday will be bittersweet days as much as I am looking forward to going out, I kind of don't want to. Aside from the obvious reasons why I don't want to I just really don't want to socialize. I want to stay home. Something(gut feelings) is telling me that friday and/or is not going to go so great but then again I can just be over-analyzing or just wary the situation as usual. I hate that feeling I get when I'm at a social gathering, surrounded by many happy people but you're just lost in your own world gazing off and feeling so alone. I know it's melodramatic but you think it only happens on TV when you can be in that position.

So,I'll also get the news somewhere between the 16th and 17th. Oh gosh I hope I get this. I'm praying that I get this.