Give A Little

=]

sometimes...

when I make my lunch I pretend I have my own cooking show. Yup I stand there and talk out loud to an invisible audience. I decided to treat myself todayand tried to get creative with the preparation. Presentation didn't turn out that great but hmm I tried and there's always next time! =]

Grilled salmon, egg, asparagus, tomatoes & green peppers.


Dessert!! Strawberries, Activia low fat vanilla yogurt & raspberries.

...

just not lookin forward to it anymore.

Turk does Poison (Scrubs)

We all have personal goals to attain when we achieve the career we want. Well being able to do this is one of mine. oh yah baby ;)

truth

When truth is waving a red flag and screaming right in your face, sometimes we choose to deny it. We hope and try to make excuses that Hey maybe? But the fact of the matter is, deep down we know what the actuality is. We are only fooling ourselves when we justify and make excuses to satisfy what we want reality to be. However, all of this is normal. It's a defense mechanism to nurture that ego that stubbornly doesn't want to comply to reality. I believe if we don't set up these ego defense mechanisms (everyone does it; it can be something subtle on a daily basis or something drastic that's lifelong) we'd probably fry our brains with the overload or just be really sad individuals. So, these mechanisms just act like buffers to actually help and adjust to reality with a smooth transistion. To actually have some sort of development from a hurdle, would require you to realize that your justifications, rationalization are all things to keep your ego intact and ignorant of yourself. But sadly, people go on in life following these illusions set up by your ego, failing to see the truth.
This makes me wonder, what illusions have I set up for myself? LOL How about we start of with something simple as the fact that I have an exam this wednesday and I really need to start studying hardcore for this shit instead of writing notes and answering questions. My goal is to finish up all the questions today and start studying my notes/work from Saturday-Tuesday.

That point

Prior to writing all of this I'd like to state: a lot of what you are going read was really difficult and shameful for me to express hahaha SO bear with my vagueness or anything that is confusing.

You know that point that you reach where you say to yourself enough is enough. You can't take anymore of this undue pressure and words you force upon yourself, so you push away the direct cause precipitating such thoughts. Writing this in my blog is making me feel so pathetic and cringe in disgust. But this is where my thoughts simply collect and helps make meaning of things. So I'll write it out: I miss the company of a male in my life. Oh God!(lol I literally said Oh God out loud)
I guess it's a normal process, I mean I've moved on. I think about my ex here and there. Smile about the silly things we've done together and the crazy adventures we had. But I don't miss it or want it back, I am content with the decision I made. I was speaking to a friend and from what I observed it's just something you get used to. Sadly, I miss that attention. And that feminist inside me is saying...no screaming "you don't need a man's attention to feel good...to feel complete." I should not have to fill this void with some other person, and initially I tried to find distractions. I tried to find ways to boost that insecurity. Then I realized that I was trying to band-aid the loss and loneliness I felt from my ex. At first, I felt uncomfortable going to clubs as it was some sort of betrayal to my ex. Then I liked going to clubs to get that attention from guys approaching you and hitting on you. LOL I know pretty low and I realize that. In the end those guys in that place go for one and only one thing: pussy. Pardon my choice of vile words but it's the truth when you break it down. Another conclusion I've got to state; guys don't come and talk to me. I think it must be some sort of body language sign my face is carrying around saying "don't you dare talk to me".
A reason I was hesitant on writing this entry was I've got close friends reading this blog, which of course I immensely appreciate but I would never express this in a conversation. The fact of the matter is, people (I know) knowing my vulnerability... well that hits my pride right in the vagina. haha. No one wants to be seen as weak and feeble, but I guess the fact I can admit these feelings I have is a lot better off than many others out there who are still blinded. As I stood there staring out my window the thoughts of "no guy ever approaches me...ugh my bday is coming up... UGH! My body is so disgustingly gross" raced through my head like a starving cheetah chasing its prey. I sat down and thought, if this was any other person or a friend I would be astonished on how someone can think so low of themselves. So why am I doing it?
For the very most I'm proud that I have this self-awareness. Don't get me wrong I love the time I have for myself. With the craziness from school and how emotionally draining it can be at the hospital; I find myself contemplating my ability to function in a relationship. The thought of being in a relationship seems draining and yet I miss that male company to talk to and that flattering attention. Like I mentioned, I shouldn't have to rely on that but I don't have much confidence in myself either to feel good about myself either. So that being said, I realized what the fuck they meant in my psych. textbooks: You have to learn to love yourself before loving others. In order to function in a relationship, you got to have that confidence just in yourself. Otherwise, you will be depending on someone else to feel “complete”.

Also, it's all in the universe. When your pheromones reek of desperation and loneliness, you will give that vibe off to others. In the end I need to stand tall on my own two feet and not have depend on anyone except myself to feel good and complete. But that my friends, for me is a uphill battle(my confidence is quite low but I have my good days?) and I'm getting there. What I am trying to push away are men. I will not look at a guy in any other manner. If they are good looking okay nice, but I am pushing out thoughts that I will have any prospects with them at all.
Anyways, I've grown my leg hair out and I don't want to shave it because I intend on waxing it next week. Problem is I've got an aquafit class with my mom tonight. LMAO! And I'm one hairy beast. Ahh well I have no intention on impressing anyone but it is just embarrassing. hahahaaha oh man. LOL and don't get me started on my wings...Oh! I mean armpits. *sigh* the high life of being a hairy brown chick.

weird fact

I hate mangos. Now this confuses alot of Tamil people. HOW can you hate mangos?!! Our country looks like an upside down mango! That's what my mom would exclaim when I refuse to eat her sliced mangos. On the other hand I absolutely love pomegranates. I'm salivating at the thought of them right now. See the picture above? Yup making me salivate. =] I was making myself some tea and there was a plate of mangos on the kitchen counter. Now even though I hate the taste of mangos, the appearance of them are quite appeasing. Golden yellow in colour with a nice gloss over them. So I took a little piece, ate it, made a face, felt kinda naseous and gulped down my tea. =\ Damn you mangos, why must you be a tease. What was the point of all of this? I don't know but for the past few months I've been longing to go back home. It's just with my family situation and school it seems like a long time from now or even a mission impossible. I also don't know if I can adapt well to plumbing system, especially the toilets. I don't mind anything else...as long as I don't have to squat I'd be happy. People have told that there has been upgrades but I'm assuming in the villages it would be unlikely. Hmm but I guess it would be an interesting experience and I'd have to adapt. We'll see.

=]

Why do people try to define themselves and try to put themselves in some sort of cookie-cutter image? What's with the self-proclamation? I don't know, just bugs the crap out of me. There is no need to state it, just be who you are. I’m trying my best not to self-contradict but let me be clear as possible. Yes, it’s good to be aware of yourself and have some sort of perception on the definition of your identity. BUT to go out of you way to boast it, verbally and physically, that puzzles me. I see it as some power struggle with yourself. That’s just my two cents.
Hmm...Reminds me of what we learnt in psychology my first semester about Erik Erikson's stages of development. During adolescence teenagers are at this phase of identity vs. identity diffusion. So teens are enduring this constant battle to construct an identity. This includes saying you’re going to be this profession one month and changing your mind afterwards. Your basically experimenting trying to find what fits. Which is why at this time we see kids tending towards trying to be "goth", "gangster" or whatever label you can think of. It's a form of adapting to an identity. We're all guilty of it.
We’ve all tried different style to find that niche. Bahaha. The stuff that you have or the clothes on your back doesn't define who you are. Defining ones self involves self-reflection and experience. Now I'm not a meditating pompous –in-touch-with myself chick who thinks she knows better. But simply put how you dress and material objects doesn't do squat shit to who your truly are. It's a meaningless triumph. Just do you own thing and stop trippin’ about your image.

In other news, I just farted and burped at the same time…now that’s fucking awesome. Ok not really it was awkward…really awkward. Lol I had a nap when I got come from like 3-5pm. So I woke up, went to the washroom (still half asleep) grabbed my brush and started brushing my teeth like it was morning! LOL haha silly goose. Well this week was one crazy week at the hospital. I think the most difficult part of the week was Tuesday when (1) Two patients passed away on our unit and (2) I had to bus at 5 am to the hospital (mind you I went to bed at 2, was woken up at 3:30 and didn’t sleep after). Sick kids was also really busy today morning and I was the only volunteer at the clinic.Well, started studying for exams and next week is my last week at clinicals. Next semester I believe we are at a medical-surgical unit. *sigh* and I have the honour of having an exam on my birthday (note: sarcasm). Even when I was freaking out about it today I kept telling myself, “It’s okay I’ve got 12 days to prepare more then enough!” Just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. GAH three of my friends are sick! And I'm sitting there going in my head going "please don't get sick, please don't get sick" fuck! Well I should get back to my readings that have been neglected due to my wandering mind!

somethings are better left unsaid.

Sometimes situations unfold to make one realize what is important, what is gone and what is to be expected. -A.K

beautiful day

Birds are chirping in delight
The Sun makes a debut on what was suppose to be a rainy day.
Soothing chilly breeze
Children laughing
Tricycle wheels grating on the pavement
Reading on electrolytes imbalances and drinking detox tea to make me shit.
Yes, I enjoy sucking the bliss out of these moments. MUAHAHA t'is a good day and hope you all are enjoying yourself. ;)

: Small, Medium, Large : Foamy The Squirrel

ahahahaa this never gets OLD...no matter how many times I watch it.

I feel..

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/photo-of-the-day/ornate-day-gecko-mauritius/

sometimes we are sheltered, there is so much to see beyond Canada. BUT at the same time there is so much of Canada that is left unexplored.Canadian tourists go off to other tropical countries that are viewed as exotic, but what about here? We take what we have for granted. I always wanted to travel by train throughout Canada. That'd be fun! Hmm I don't know what the sense of exploration came from. I guess it's because I was looking through my blogs stats. And I saw a page view from a country called Malta. I was like What is Malta? :S and I looked it up. According to "European Countries" it's a group of seven islands in the Mediterranean Sea. Only three of the islands are inhabited (Malta, Gozo and Comino). My best friend is a News Fiend...everytime I go to her house newspapers are to be found. If I sleep over, the morning she reads the paper. I don't read the paper, I don't even follow the news that much! But of course I read the paper to because as much as I'd secretly like to, I don't want to sit there and stare at her pretty face read the paper ;). Bahahaha I'm such a creep! But I notice that you are aware of much more that's going on globally and nationally. And well it's good to be aware of that and not sheltered in your own little bubble. Sometimes I can't help but question what exactly can we trust when we see/hear/ read in the news. Sometime I can't help but wonder do government officials control what is said in the news, kind of like in the movie Green Hornet. Well, I realized I should be more aware about what's going on and not just know the breaking news.
So here I am sitting here trying to distract myself. Today will be the last day of medications, what a fuckin' dreadful week it's been. I can't wait for the medication side effects to wear off. My ultrasound is for this afternoon so hopefully that will give some answers to what's in there (if there is). LOL! I'm not suppose to eat and I should consume two bottles of water. Haven't really started on the water part. Speaking of things I haven't started, my studying. I've got readings and work to finish up but they have been brought to a halt. By mid-week all I wanted to do was lay in bed, vommit or shit. Damn this stupid stomach infection. I was talking to a friend at clinical and she said something so true "ever since I started clinicals I've picked up every random bug." I guess it's because this was out first clinical expereince and we really haven't been exposed to these germs before, so it's new to our body. One thing I learnt from this stomach infection experience is hand washing is important. I mean they drill that into our heads for tests, returned demonstrations etc. etc. but it really is important to wash your hands. I do them often when I'm taking care of a patient but I think the key part is also washing your hands before you leave whether it be the shift or they break to eat. As silly as it is I now know better.

*Sigh*

My kryptonite:
Guys who smile and their eyes crinkle. Damn you crinkable eyes..damn you

melman talks about gloria

important discussion

hahaha I love the subtitles on this, especially the referral to Rebecca and Justin hahaha.
But from the looks of it the the brother with the two socks seems to be wearing his brothers missing sock hahaha. this is just too cute :) I can watch it so many times and not get sick of it. yeah im kind of creepy.