ughghehfdshf one of those damn shifts that had me wondering why i became a fucking nurse and think about getting an arrange marriage to a rich asshole so i can be a stay at home mom. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh
on top of that i am sick. and it's sucking the life out of me to work and be sick.

rigggggggggggght

deleted twittttttttttttterrrr.

it's 3:30 am and I can't fucking sleep. My damn turtle is up due to my sudden onset of insomnia.
So a guy friend called me at 12 am we talked for an hr. Admist the conversation he said "man it's been so long since I had a conversation with a girl before I went to bed". I sat there in silence for a bit before realizing the awkward tension and letting out a laugh that sounded like a quack. I then brought up the topic of a girl he was interested in. He wanted to hang out since we both weren't going into work  but I said I was coming down with a cold and was going to stay home (Which is the truth, the climate change from my trip to vancouver is fucking with me). So he offered to come over to keep me company. Ugh..yah..no. Told him that wasn't a good idea since I got old folks at home that would freak and think their precious granddaughter is a hussy. Anyway, no biggie right?  


Looking forward to my soup, sleep and movies for the day. Afternoon I am going to a horse back riding lesson for 1 hr which I joined and then visiting my friend in the evening. :)

back

So vancouver was an amazing place to visit. I went with my brother. My initial plan was to go to Halifax on my own, upon expressing my plans to my brother and mom one day at lunch. My brother showed some interest. This prompted my mom to urge my brother to come along with him (for of course his experience and the perk of me not going alone). I loved it there and so did my brother . We contemplated on maybe moving here. Anyway, we did hiking (one particularly being a 5 hr hike to the top and bottom of Elk mountain), we went to the vancouver aquarium, whale watching and some shopping. The seafood there is of course fresh. Of course it's culture shock being in a place of dominantly white and east asian. Nevertheless people were friendly.
On my last day I decided to check the status of my offer at the final university to continue on my RN education. Yes I am a nurse but I think I wouldn't be content with myself until I am a nurse with a university degree. But I got rejected. It was weird because few days before as whale watching and just riding over the ocea and viewing the mountains, I realized how trivial these matters were. yes education and achieving our goals is important but when you gruel over things we miss out on the huge picture.  So then a part of me was content with doing the cardiology course, completing required hours and getting my nursing degree online through a university in alberta. And now with how the situation presents itself, that's what I am going to have to do. Initially I was devastated, i called my mom at work from vancouver and cried underneath the covers while my brother was showering. I don't know why  it hurt, but it did. Probably because I wanted it regardless of my  epiphinany  moment few days prior :p.
I think what it also was, was at one point i cared too much what people thought of me and my life. I pushed myself down because I was a college graduate and not a university. But regardless, of credentials at work and RPN (college graduate) and an RN (university graduate) do almost the same things.We have to endure the c.diff patient, the condescending remarks from the doctor or whatever issues that we come across. Of course with the status as an RN there are certain things an RN can do that an RPN cannot, like giving certain drugs. Anyway, back to my point, it was driving me insane that life was not going the way I wanted to. When I say insane I mean it. But then I got to the point where I was like who the fuck gives a shit? as long as I am happy and never give up on my dreams. I guess that was an inner fear of mine, what if I get to comfortable with the way life is that I give up on my goal to become an RN. However, if you want to succeed you got to want it as much as you want to breath (it was this video clip my bro showed me).
Then of course there is the aspect of relationships. Yes I have had my share of relationships, but to see a few of my friends getting married and my dad hinting in joking manner about arrange marriage i makes me wonder whats going on. I don't think I am ready to get married, not now.  I feel like I am far too young with so much yet to accomplish and experience prior to such a jump. I have   considered the option of dating but not so pushy on that because I am content with how my life flows now, either way it feels like I have met someone to peak my interest.
Anyway, Im off to an  optometrist appointment and maybe I can get some hot yoga into my schedule today.

nag

I complain and yet when the opportunity arises, I seem to not want it. Maybe it is the specific situation itself, and is justifiable. However,maybe I am okay with the way I want it and when an opportunity that is a more suitable fit, I'd rise to the occasion.

trips

As the dates approaches, I get a bit more nervous about preparation. I am excited but I don't want to go unprepared. Maybe I should make a list... -_-

bday

There are moments I literally want to rip my brother's head off. When we fight, it's quite a catastrophic explosion in our house hold. Despite his guy-ish tendency to be distant like any other guy, he care for me deeply. It's just I am more expressive and nurturing about it since I am after all his older sister. Nevertheless, there are moments my little brother steps past that role and acts as an older brother. Which is a great support to have. He's got a good head on his shoulder. He's more nonchalant and keeps to himself, while I am the eccentric, child-like meanderer. I guess what scares me is that he's growing up (he'll be 19 in less than a week), which legal allows him to drink. Now I am them last person to even restrict, judge or anything that prevents normal developmental experiences because I did some pretty messed up things that I doubt my brother would do. But I was the reckless one who made the mistakes which whom he learnt from. I know I should let him enjoy a drink, but I can't help but be worried. He told me all the details about the event. I simply said just keep it moderated and don't drive. Which prompted him to ask me to pick him up after his night out, which was obviously no issue at all for me. 

chocolate

Mom: The relatives from France got you a gift. (I open the bag to find perfume and chocolate)
Me: OMGGGGGGGGG!! TOLBORONE! Appapa (grandpa in Tamil)! Do you want two pieces or one piece?
Grandpa: Two! (breaks of two pieces for him and myself)
Mom: Between a box of chocolate and perfume, you seem more happy about a chocolate we can buy HERE. And now you two are both going to run around off of a sugar high.
Me(with a mouth full of chocolate): You make it seem like we're children